We ourselves . . . Groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies.
Romans 8:23
This groaning is common among God's people: To a greater or lesser extent we all feel it. It is not the groan of murmuring or complaint: It is a note of desire rather than of distress. Having received a deposit, we desire the rest of our portion; we are sighing that our entire manhood, in its trinity of spirit, soul, and body, may be set free from the last trace of the Fall; we long to discard the rags of corruption, weakness, and dishonor and to be clothed with incorruption, immortality, glory—the spiritual body that the Lord Jesus will bestow upon His people.
We long for the manifestation of our adoption as the children of God. "We . . . groan," but it is "inwardly." It is not the hypocrite's groan, by which he would make men believe that he is a saint because he is wretched. Our sighs are sacred things, too holy and too personal for us to broadcast. We keep our longings for our Lord to ourselves. Then the apostle says we "wait," by which we learn that we are not to be petulant, like Jonah or Elijah when they said, "Let me die"; nor are we to whimper and sigh for the end of life because we are tired of work or wish to escape from our present sufferings till the will of the Lord is done. We are to groan for glorification, but we are to wait patiently for it, knowing that what the Lord appoints is best.
Waiting implies being ready. We are to stand at the door expecting the Beloved to open it and take us away to Himself. This groaning is a test. You can learn a lot about a man by what he groans after. Some men groan after wealth—they worship money; some groan continually under the troubles of life—they are merely impatient. But the man who sighs after God, who is uneasy until he is made like Christ—that is the blessed man. May God help us to groan for the coming of the Lord and the resurrection that He will bring to us.- Charles Spurgeon
Yeah, don't you worry, I haven't become an amazing writer overnight. Although if my heart could speak everything that is inside with the words it dreams of spilling it would come onto a page just like this- thus why I am sharing it. Partly why I am sharing it on blogger, facebook sees tumblr now, some people don't like to see that heaven is the only place that I really want to be. the more I live the more I realize that Jordyn Ellyse was not made for planet earth, but rather a heavenly kingdom. And now it is only for the day that my body is redeemed that I live for, the day that I look my Savior in the face and with one look every tear I've ever cried is suddenly forgotten and the pain that right now I can't remember living without I then would never be disabled by but will be dancing for my Lord who has found joy in me and for years has rejoiced over me...even in this state.
Oh, for this day. Let us live. For we will be redeemed, we already have, but a better hope is coming.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
something to say about this.
It was kind of like a cigarette thrown out of a moving car onto some brush in lake elsinore. Up in flames and there was nothing to stop it. What the heck am I referring to? Well, my newly diagnosed disease of course, the latent incurable Lymes.
It wasn’t more than a couple months ago when I got back from the family vacation I had a phone call from the doctors office, they told me my test from the Igenix lab had come back positive. To me this was worse than hearing that I had cancer; #1 reason in this is because Lymes most often does not kill you. This would be a battle I would fight for the rest of my life, and I had to make a choice whether or not I would be strong. With cancer maybe you face chemo once or twice, with Lymes depending upon how old you are you can go through treatment multiple times in your life; every 10 years is average.
Well, if you read that little excerpt deal at the top of my page it says “ Here’s to taking what He’s given me, which may not be a glass that’s full, but it’s not a glass that’s required to be half empty. Here’s to the life more abundant.” The Lord has spoken to my broken life through John 10:10 which speaks of Himself; Jesus as the Good Shepherd and He says “I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.”
What is a more abundant life? A life more full, a life full of life. Not a life struggling in death.
I felt compelled to write about my disease, I haven’t written a long drawn out essay like thing in a long time and I most definitely haven’t written about my sickness; and I wanted to write and I wanted you all to read this and to understand.
Most people with Lymes somewhat go into hiding, they do relapse with their symptoms, their employers can’t understand and because of this even their faith is compromised. What I have seen in Lymes disease as of late is very discouraging and disheartening and makes me want to live out loud more than ever. I feel like the Lord has called me to live with this to comfort those who are also suffering (2 Corin. 1:4). I know the Lord does not want me to be a typical Lymes patient. Even during this chemo process I refuse to hide out because He has given me life and if this sickness is not unto death but for the glory of God(John11:4) I will serve Him, with my heart, with my voice, if I can’t with this body.
I believe that I live an abundant life. I have nothing, yet I have it all, because I have my Savior. To the unbeliever, yes you will look at me and evaluate my circumstances and say that I have lost everything; dropping out of college, no car, no job, living with my parents- but the peace that I have in my soul I would not trade for a car or a job or a scholarship.
It’s going to be a long road ahead, one I can’t image right now. The pain is waring and the puking is tiring. For five days I threw up this week. I am not even 2 months into treatment. I had to get off a skype call with Erica in Spain to throw up, I cried, not from the pain, but from the pain in my heart from what this does emotionally. I always bounce back, new adventures give a person a new sense of humor and this I have found.
But I am here, writing, ultimately to tell you how big my God is. To remind you all that there is no Good Shepherd who does not lead His sheep. Lymes disease is the worst thing in the world to me, I hate it so much I haven’t even cared to learn about it or read on it…I simply learn as I go.
I thought things had been rough the past 6 years. This last birthday I thought, hey my 20’s are gonna be a different story, I’m going to get better. The Lord said, “Yes and No” Things have to get so much worse before they get better. i am in it for the long haul, too far gone to cop out now. Optimism is my only choice and realism is definitely a reality, yet I will keep moving.
The other day I couldn’t stop throwing up, I was in the living room on the floor and a verse came to mind
“But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.” Isaiah 40:31
And I cried out to the Lord and said “I WANT TO RUN, and I want to not be weary…or just to walk Lord, let me walk” but what I was asking was more a demand of the Lord.
And he said to me “But they that WAIT” and tears came to my eyes knowing this will be a long and drawn out battle, yet one worth waiting for.
My 20’s are going to be great. Optimism is going to pay off. My Good Shepherd is going to lead me and Lymes is not going to win because Jesus Christ has overcome this world.
Jesus was waiting for me to be completely weak to show Himself completely strong, and that He is.
It wasn’t more than a couple months ago when I got back from the family vacation I had a phone call from the doctors office, they told me my test from the Igenix lab had come back positive. To me this was worse than hearing that I had cancer; #1 reason in this is because Lymes most often does not kill you. This would be a battle I would fight for the rest of my life, and I had to make a choice whether or not I would be strong. With cancer maybe you face chemo once or twice, with Lymes depending upon how old you are you can go through treatment multiple times in your life; every 10 years is average.
Well, if you read that little excerpt deal at the top of my page it says “ Here’s to taking what He’s given me, which may not be a glass that’s full, but it’s not a glass that’s required to be half empty. Here’s to the life more abundant.” The Lord has spoken to my broken life through John 10:10 which speaks of Himself; Jesus as the Good Shepherd and He says “I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.”
What is a more abundant life? A life more full, a life full of life. Not a life struggling in death.
I felt compelled to write about my disease, I haven’t written a long drawn out essay like thing in a long time and I most definitely haven’t written about my sickness; and I wanted to write and I wanted you all to read this and to understand.
Most people with Lymes somewhat go into hiding, they do relapse with their symptoms, their employers can’t understand and because of this even their faith is compromised. What I have seen in Lymes disease as of late is very discouraging and disheartening and makes me want to live out loud more than ever. I feel like the Lord has called me to live with this to comfort those who are also suffering (2 Corin. 1:4). I know the Lord does not want me to be a typical Lymes patient. Even during this chemo process I refuse to hide out because He has given me life and if this sickness is not unto death but for the glory of God(John11:4) I will serve Him, with my heart, with my voice, if I can’t with this body.
I believe that I live an abundant life. I have nothing, yet I have it all, because I have my Savior. To the unbeliever, yes you will look at me and evaluate my circumstances and say that I have lost everything; dropping out of college, no car, no job, living with my parents- but the peace that I have in my soul I would not trade for a car or a job or a scholarship.
It’s going to be a long road ahead, one I can’t image right now. The pain is waring and the puking is tiring. For five days I threw up this week. I am not even 2 months into treatment. I had to get off a skype call with Erica in Spain to throw up, I cried, not from the pain, but from the pain in my heart from what this does emotionally. I always bounce back, new adventures give a person a new sense of humor and this I have found.
But I am here, writing, ultimately to tell you how big my God is. To remind you all that there is no Good Shepherd who does not lead His sheep. Lymes disease is the worst thing in the world to me, I hate it so much I haven’t even cared to learn about it or read on it…I simply learn as I go.
I thought things had been rough the past 6 years. This last birthday I thought, hey my 20’s are gonna be a different story, I’m going to get better. The Lord said, “Yes and No” Things have to get so much worse before they get better. i am in it for the long haul, too far gone to cop out now. Optimism is my only choice and realism is definitely a reality, yet I will keep moving.
The other day I couldn’t stop throwing up, I was in the living room on the floor and a verse came to mind
“But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.” Isaiah 40:31
And I cried out to the Lord and said “I WANT TO RUN, and I want to not be weary…or just to walk Lord, let me walk” but what I was asking was more a demand of the Lord.
And he said to me “But they that WAIT” and tears came to my eyes knowing this will be a long and drawn out battle, yet one worth waiting for.
My 20’s are going to be great. Optimism is going to pay off. My Good Shepherd is going to lead me and Lymes is not going to win because Jesus Christ has overcome this world.
Jesus was waiting for me to be completely weak to show Himself completely strong, and that He is.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
torn
i don't know what i'm doing.
i don't want to give up blogger but i must tell you that tumblr is waaaaay easier to use. and that's where i have been.
but i still come to blogger every so often.
i need guidance.
anyways, until i make up my mind, you can find me at http://www.whenthecurlsfellout.tumblr.com
love to you all:)
jordie
i don't want to give up blogger but i must tell you that tumblr is waaaaay easier to use. and that's where i have been.
but i still come to blogger every so often.
i need guidance.
anyways, until i make up my mind, you can find me at http://www.whenthecurlsfellout.tumblr.com
love to you all:)
jordie
Friday, September 3, 2010
sickbed playlist
1. Can I Stay By Vitamin String Quartet
2. Sufficient By Adie
3. Moonlight Sonata By Beethoven
4. Times By Tenth Avenue North
5. Everything Falls by Fee
6. Breathe In Breathe Out By Mat Kearney
7. Before the Throne of God Above (favorite!)
8. Unashamed By Starfield
9. Vanilla Twilight By Owl City
10. You Can Shake the Mountains By LIfehouse
11. Something Beautiful By Needtobreathe
12. That's What I'm Here For By Jason Castro
13. The Girl By City and Colour
14. One Day By Matisyahu
15. Living For Your Glory By Tim Hughes
16. The Boat Song By Ryan Montbleau
17. Say Hey By Michael Franti
18. Spirit Waltz By Something Like Silas
19. Young Pilgrims By The Shins
20. 23 By Jimmy Eat World
21. Jesus Paid It All
there is some secular in this playlist, but i must tell you all that the only thing that making the barfing and the pain any better is raising my hands and turning my volume all the way up on my laptop and having a worship sesh with my Creator.
He is Worthy of all my praise!
2. Sufficient By Adie
3. Moonlight Sonata By Beethoven
4. Times By Tenth Avenue North
5. Everything Falls by Fee
6. Breathe In Breathe Out By Mat Kearney
7. Before the Throne of God Above (favorite!)
8. Unashamed By Starfield
9. Vanilla Twilight By Owl City
10. You Can Shake the Mountains By LIfehouse
11. Something Beautiful By Needtobreathe
12. That's What I'm Here For By Jason Castro
13. The Girl By City and Colour
14. One Day By Matisyahu
15. Living For Your Glory By Tim Hughes
16. The Boat Song By Ryan Montbleau
17. Say Hey By Michael Franti
18. Spirit Waltz By Something Like Silas
19. Young Pilgrims By The Shins
20. 23 By Jimmy Eat World
21. Jesus Paid It All
there is some secular in this playlist, but i must tell you all that the only thing that making the barfing and the pain any better is raising my hands and turning my volume all the way up on my laptop and having a worship sesh with my Creator.
He is Worthy of all my praise!
Monday, August 30, 2010
tell me everything
i'll never be ready.
babysitting is a great way to prep for life; i have found.
i realize this more and more every day.
it seems that every time we play hide and seek when i call out at the top of my lungs "READY OR NOT HERE I COME!" some little person hiding screams back at me, "I'M NOT READY!"...yes, that's why i just told you, ready or not.
the whole point of the game is catching the stragglers.
i love chasing 2 year old lizzie down the hall when she claims it's not fair because the others are bigger and better at hiding- but i get a kick out of her grouchy little face when she sees me coming after just spinning in circles for 20 seconds while she's supposed to be hiding.
well, these doctors are screaming ready or not at me and i am desperately wanting to say i'm not ready, but i feel just a little too shy.
a little change in plans is that my treatment will not happen at st. elizabeth's in red bluff, but will go down at enloe in chico instead because my doctor in red bluff would not co-sign the order for the treatment- she thinks that this way far out and that it's gonna mess me up a lot(which it will) and that there are way too many risks and possibilities of getting lupus with the antibiotics that i will be taking orally with the IV antibiotics. she is not a fan. she also doesn't understand that i have been looking for a cure (or at least for some sort of small answer)for 6 years now!
my doctors are thinking that they don't want to see their 20 year old patient living like this, but i actually have to live this. the worries of infections in my PIC line and infections other places and having super low immunities over the next 3-6 months.
when i have a definite date from the hospital i'll post on facebook when the pic surgery will be.
right now i just feel lonely- it's been a really long summer. i feel like everyone should be coming home and things are just getting started- it's like a 7 month semester...not ok with me.
anyways, my friends susie- the one with stage 3 colon cancer, she was at church on sunday and i got to talk with her for a long time. we sat together and cried together.
i told her how funny it is to me, because of all people i have the most compassion for her as she goes through this battle, yet as i talk with the Lord, He tells me to have more compassion and that verse always comes to mind to
our Lord is good.He has given us eachother and He will bring us through.
babysitting is a great way to prep for life; i have found.
i realize this more and more every day.
it seems that every time we play hide and seek when i call out at the top of my lungs "READY OR NOT HERE I COME!" some little person hiding screams back at me, "I'M NOT READY!"...yes, that's why i just told you, ready or not.
the whole point of the game is catching the stragglers.
i love chasing 2 year old lizzie down the hall when she claims it's not fair because the others are bigger and better at hiding- but i get a kick out of her grouchy little face when she sees me coming after just spinning in circles for 20 seconds while she's supposed to be hiding.
well, these doctors are screaming ready or not at me and i am desperately wanting to say i'm not ready, but i feel just a little too shy.
a little change in plans is that my treatment will not happen at st. elizabeth's in red bluff, but will go down at enloe in chico instead because my doctor in red bluff would not co-sign the order for the treatment- she thinks that this way far out and that it's gonna mess me up a lot(which it will) and that there are way too many risks and possibilities of getting lupus with the antibiotics that i will be taking orally with the IV antibiotics. she is not a fan. she also doesn't understand that i have been looking for a cure (or at least for some sort of small answer)for 6 years now!
my doctors are thinking that they don't want to see their 20 year old patient living like this, but i actually have to live this. the worries of infections in my PIC line and infections other places and having super low immunities over the next 3-6 months.
when i have a definite date from the hospital i'll post on facebook when the pic surgery will be.
right now i just feel lonely- it's been a really long summer. i feel like everyone should be coming home and things are just getting started- it's like a 7 month semester...not ok with me.
anyways, my friends susie- the one with stage 3 colon cancer, she was at church on sunday and i got to talk with her for a long time. we sat together and cried together.
i told her how funny it is to me, because of all people i have the most compassion for her as she goes through this battle, yet as i talk with the Lord, He tells me to have more compassion and that verse always comes to mind to
"Rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep". i thought i had what i takes to weep with susie through this time, yet it wasn't enough- the Lord said He wanted me to experience the hospitals and the PIC line that she has and the chemo as well.
our Lord is good.He has given us eachother and He will bring us through.
Friday, August 27, 2010
now or later? probs now and later.
upping the date.
saw dr. johnson.
this is the new lymes doctor. no, not lemons,lymes, get it right people.
wednesday, the 1st of september i am penciled in at st. elizabeth's in red bluff to have my PIC line (permanent Iv) put in and my first treatment of Rosephin done.
treatment will be done for about 3-6 months.
don't you worry, i'll have pictures up and videos too:) this is gonna be fun, i'm gonna make it good, because i have to thrive on this.
all this still confuses me, i will learn as i go.
all i really know right now is that i am going to be really sick.
sweet beans...yeah not really.
but psalm 41 says that He will strengthen me on my sickbed.
this will most likely go on forever, i know at some point i will relapse and i will never live a completely normal life, but gosh darn- i will try.
i'll give until i have nothing left.
what are my feelings on this?
tears.
i'll be looking at the moon but i'll be seeing you
saw dr. johnson.
this is the new lymes doctor. no, not lemons,lymes, get it right people.
wednesday, the 1st of september i am penciled in at st. elizabeth's in red bluff to have my PIC line (permanent Iv) put in and my first treatment of Rosephin done.
treatment will be done for about 3-6 months.
don't you worry, i'll have pictures up and videos too:) this is gonna be fun, i'm gonna make it good, because i have to thrive on this.
all this still confuses me, i will learn as i go.
all i really know right now is that i am going to be really sick.
sweet beans...yeah not really.
but psalm 41 says that He will strengthen me on my sickbed.
this will most likely go on forever, i know at some point i will relapse and i will never live a completely normal life, but gosh darn- i will try.
i'll give until i have nothing left.
what are my feelings on this?
tears.
i'll be looking at the moon but i'll be seeing you
Thursday, August 26, 2010
my poudest moment...
i fought...
and i fought...
and then i twisted and i turned...
and i finally got the steering wheel cover on the dang steering wheel!
praise the Good Lord:)
it took a good 10 minutes and then i took about 10 more minutes just to stare at it.
it was a must have when the 112 degrees beats down on it all day and then i can't touch it when i need to, this will save many fingers.
just had to share.
and it also made me laugh, God has a sense of humor.
and i fought...
and then i twisted and i turned...
and i finally got the steering wheel cover on the dang steering wheel!
praise the Good Lord:)
it took a good 10 minutes and then i took about 10 more minutes just to stare at it.
it was a must have when the 112 degrees beats down on it all day and then i can't touch it when i need to, this will save many fingers.
just had to share.
and it also made me laugh, God has a sense of humor.
Monday, August 23, 2010
one day.
those who sow in tears shall reap in joy. he who continually goes forth in weeping, bearing seed for sowing, shall doubtless come again with rejoicing bringing sheaves with him. Psalm 126:5-6
if God's word is a promise, then i'll count it as good.
this week has been a weep-a-thon.
this heart wants murrieta.
this heart wants my siblings back.
ok- i just want to be where You are...i'm tired of lying to everyone, i'm not ok at all.
end of story.
goal: to learn Philippians 4:11
if God's word is a promise, then i'll count it as good.
this week has been a weep-a-thon.
this heart wants murrieta.
this heart wants my siblings back.
ok- i just want to be where You are...i'm tired of lying to everyone, i'm not ok at all.
end of story.
goal: to learn Philippians 4:11
Friday, August 20, 2010
with all the missing pieces.
i put you in my locket yesterday.
i will wear you there until you come home.
next to my heart forever.
just for everyone reading, there is nothing more beautiful than my sister.
i will wear you there until you come home.
next to my heart forever.
just for everyone reading, there is nothing more beautiful than my sister.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
when life gives you lymes, make lymeade?
for some reason after coming home from a week long exstravaganza in washington i didn't expect to pick up the phone and see 20 messages.
i listened, when it got to my doctor my heart dropped a little bit- well maybe a lot bit. all week i had been praying for the Lord to be preparing my heart for whatever He had in store for me. Lymes Disease was the last thing i wanted. after learning more and more in the past month and i have become more turned off to it, but i will write more on this towards the end.
i called back and the nurse gave me the long awaited results as my dad sat in the the chair next to me staring at me...uncomfortable, i would look back at him.
she explained that from what the "blood people" could see they could not see a positive result or a negative, but it was definitely more positive based upon my symptoms and the other blood tests they had performed.
so from here i will be seeing a doctor soon and he will be following my treatment for this cruel disease that never leaves you. over the next 12 weeks i believe i will be going through a very rough and intense IV course that is likened to chemotherapy which is trying to kill these particular cells that have taken over my body. what this therapy can possibly do is put my body into remission so that i can temporarily go back to normal...and this is what we all hope for.
i hope for this. most of all i hope for heaven. this summer has been a tough one, it's been long and life changing, it's been lonely, but it has prepared me for this...for something more. Just like the Lord answers Jeremiah in 12:5
so now i'll run with the horses and He will give me strength.
and together we'll make some freaking lymeade out of this situation:)
there have been a lot of tears over this and no doubt there will be more to come.
#1 prayer request: more than anything in the world right now i want to be at bible college and it kills that i am at home sick, by myself none the less- so please pray for contentment.
#2. that i would be dilligent with my online classes.
#3. i have an appointment with my doc on thursday. (Dr. Holscher)
#4. pray that i would continue to absolutely surrender everything to the Lord,hopes, dreams and all- more is required now with this diagnosis.
thank you all- this life is relentless-but our God is so big
Please also pray for:
Susie: Stage 3 colon cancer, started chemo last week, 3 young kids.
Owen: Leukemia, 6 years old, going through chemo.
Brynn: Battling many different health problems, 5 months pregnant
Jenna: Redemption and healing
i listened, when it got to my doctor my heart dropped a little bit- well maybe a lot bit. all week i had been praying for the Lord to be preparing my heart for whatever He had in store for me. Lymes Disease was the last thing i wanted. after learning more and more in the past month and i have become more turned off to it, but i will write more on this towards the end.
i called back and the nurse gave me the long awaited results as my dad sat in the the chair next to me staring at me...uncomfortable, i would look back at him.
she explained that from what the "blood people" could see they could not see a positive result or a negative, but it was definitely more positive based upon my symptoms and the other blood tests they had performed.
so from here i will be seeing a doctor soon and he will be following my treatment for this cruel disease that never leaves you. over the next 12 weeks i believe i will be going through a very rough and intense IV course that is likened to chemotherapy which is trying to kill these particular cells that have taken over my body. what this therapy can possibly do is put my body into remission so that i can temporarily go back to normal...and this is what we all hope for.
i hope for this. most of all i hope for heaven. this summer has been a tough one, it's been long and life changing, it's been lonely, but it has prepared me for this...for something more. Just like the Lord answers Jeremiah in 12:5
"If you have run with the footmen, and they have wearied you, then how can you contend with the horses? and if in the land of peace, in which you trusted, the wearied you, then how will you do in the floodplain of the Jordan?"
so now i'll run with the horses and He will give me strength.
and together we'll make some freaking lymeade out of this situation:)
there have been a lot of tears over this and no doubt there will be more to come.
#1 prayer request: more than anything in the world right now i want to be at bible college and it kills that i am at home sick, by myself none the less- so please pray for contentment.
#2. that i would be dilligent with my online classes.
#3. i have an appointment with my doc on thursday. (Dr. Holscher)
#4. pray that i would continue to absolutely surrender everything to the Lord,hopes, dreams and all- more is required now with this diagnosis.
thank you all- this life is relentless-but our God is so big
Please also pray for:
Susie: Stage 3 colon cancer, started chemo last week, 3 young kids.
Owen: Leukemia, 6 years old, going through chemo.
Brynn: Battling many different health problems, 5 months pregnant
Jenna: Redemption and healing
warshington.
God's been good to me.
in whatever state i am in i am learn(ing) to be content.
might i add this is not coming easy.
my week in this beautiful state was amazing- the pain did not cease but the berry picking and the meteor showers and the friends and family and and fairs and farmers markets and laughs and agate hunts made things better.
i am undeserving and my heart was on a thousand different levels of thinking this week.
i threw stanford out the window of my car going past mt. shasta and never felt better.
this heart of mine was never meant to be alone- this week i was filled with people all around me and was teased. today my brother left for college, and in a couple weeks erica will leave the country for spain- i know it seems far-fetched but it makes me feel alone...but the Lord is my help and I am never alone, He has set His angels dancing amongst us:)
Sunday, August 1, 2010
absolute surrender means letting go.
for so long now I've had these clenched fists, holding onto whatever I can because I barely hold anything.
a new discovery: i hold nothing.
i am a little girl, just weeping, with no strength left- i look around and there is nothing that i can cling to, but there is my Father who is greater than the ocean of all my tears who picks me up and holds me in His comforting arms.
when everything falls apart He is everything- He is everything because I stand emptyhanded, I have no money, no job, no vehicle,no lover, nothing material that I can claim- yet He claims me.
He is my only hope. so as long as he holds on to me, I know i will be ok. and will he ever let go?
yeah , that's rhetorical.
i was just reminded of my Savior's love for me over the past few days as I have been mulling over my circumstances. This love conquers everything, it covers all the hurt I've ever experienced and clothes me with joy.
This next week is VBS at my church and then on Thursday I will travel up to Portland with a couple of my roomies from Italy to a wedding and then on Sunday I will head up to Guemes Island with my fam and the Phelps, a little island practically in Canada in the San Juans just for a getaway for about a week- I'm pretty stoked to see the beautiful Esther Perry and Stever-muffin too:)
God is good.
a new discovery: i hold nothing.
i am a little girl, just weeping, with no strength left- i look around and there is nothing that i can cling to, but there is my Father who is greater than the ocean of all my tears who picks me up and holds me in His comforting arms.
when everything falls apart He is everything- He is everything because I stand emptyhanded, I have no money, no job, no vehicle,no lover, nothing material that I can claim- yet He claims me.
He is my only hope. so as long as he holds on to me, I know i will be ok. and will he ever let go?
yeah , that's rhetorical.
i was just reminded of my Savior's love for me over the past few days as I have been mulling over my circumstances. This love conquers everything, it covers all the hurt I've ever experienced and clothes me with joy.
This next week is VBS at my church and then on Thursday I will travel up to Portland with a couple of my roomies from Italy to a wedding and then on Sunday I will head up to Guemes Island with my fam and the Phelps, a little island practically in Canada in the San Juans just for a getaway for about a week- I'm pretty stoked to see the beautiful Esther Perry and Stever-muffin too:)
God is good.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
breakup
i guess my 3 in 1 video blogs said it all kinda-sorta as to what is going on as of late. you all really got to see it all. this has been quite the fight. and for the past 6 years i have been begging someone to fight for me. but all along i have been begging the wrong person. i have gone to MD after MD, someone smarter to someone smarter begging, then pleading with them to find pleasure in my eyes and to be willing to fight for my life.
no one has been willing.
they all have given up on me.
after 6 years. i have gone through this extremely treacherous fight and i feel like i have finally given up the fight with them and broken it off...goodbye Stanford, goodbye to the whole lot of doctors i have seen in these past 6 years that have done jack-squat for me.
i want to move on, i want to see the world, i want to finish bible college and go on to nursing school, but unfortunately right now these things must wait.
of course over this fall i'll be working towards my graduation from bible college by taking online classes...i refuse to start and quit.
it's funny, i highly considered deleting this blog last week. it was a goner. see you later! it started out as something that was just an online journal and then suddenly everyone started reading it and i had to be a little more careful about what i wrote.
if this blog was not online, it would have been burned last week. why? well, because it has everything to do with my sickness.
in sickness and in health.
that's pretty much my motto here on 'when the curls fall out'.
and the curls fell out a few days ago i realized.
the title actually came from a poem i wrote when i was younger. i wrote it when i had pin straight hair and curling it was only for special occasions and by the end of the night the curls would always have fallen and the event would be over, everything would be done.
a few lines from this poem went...
when the curls fell out
they fell with my world
looking for someone to give them a twirl...
and how true is that? at least for me. ultimately i wrote this about the Lord and how when everything fall around you. when the show is over and your world seems to be caving in and you're begging SOMEONE TO FIGHT FOR YOU , you need to look at who you've been asking to fight.
i was asking doctors to plead my cause.
now my world has fallen, just as these curls have fallen out but does it not say numerous times in the bible that the Lord is a Man of war!?
He lives to fight for us!
so, i am not here for pity or to prove that i have suffered for 6 years and that i am miserable and sad, i am here to prove that my Redeemer lives and He shall stand at last on the Earth. we all suffer in our different ways, whether financially or in relationships or spiritually or emotionally- we all have battles.
who is fighting for you?
i love you all so much and i deeply appreciate all the comments and messages on facebook and the texts and phone calls- you all are such a blessing, i can't describe it with words...i really can't or i start crying like a fool, you know me;)
anyways, be blessed you guys and stick around the blog. the blog will stay. because it's not for me anymore- this is for His glory and if it ever gets carnal it'll go buh-bye.
i will for sure have another post in a couple weeks when i get results of this Lymes test.
all my love- jordie
no one has been willing.
they all have given up on me.
after 6 years. i have gone through this extremely treacherous fight and i feel like i have finally given up the fight with them and broken it off...goodbye Stanford, goodbye to the whole lot of doctors i have seen in these past 6 years that have done jack-squat for me.
i want to move on, i want to see the world, i want to finish bible college and go on to nursing school, but unfortunately right now these things must wait.
of course over this fall i'll be working towards my graduation from bible college by taking online classes...i refuse to start and quit.
it's funny, i highly considered deleting this blog last week. it was a goner. see you later! it started out as something that was just an online journal and then suddenly everyone started reading it and i had to be a little more careful about what i wrote.
if this blog was not online, it would have been burned last week. why? well, because it has everything to do with my sickness.
in sickness and in health.
that's pretty much my motto here on 'when the curls fall out'.
and the curls fell out a few days ago i realized.
the title actually came from a poem i wrote when i was younger. i wrote it when i had pin straight hair and curling it was only for special occasions and by the end of the night the curls would always have fallen and the event would be over, everything would be done.
a few lines from this poem went...
when the curls fell out
they fell with my world
looking for someone to give them a twirl...
and how true is that? at least for me. ultimately i wrote this about the Lord and how when everything fall around you. when the show is over and your world seems to be caving in and you're begging SOMEONE TO FIGHT FOR YOU , you need to look at who you've been asking to fight.
i was asking doctors to plead my cause.
now my world has fallen, just as these curls have fallen out but does it not say numerous times in the bible that the Lord is a Man of war!?
He lives to fight for us!
so, i am not here for pity or to prove that i have suffered for 6 years and that i am miserable and sad, i am here to prove that my Redeemer lives and He shall stand at last on the Earth. we all suffer in our different ways, whether financially or in relationships or spiritually or emotionally- we all have battles.
who is fighting for you?
i love you all so much and i deeply appreciate all the comments and messages on facebook and the texts and phone calls- you all are such a blessing, i can't describe it with words...i really can't or i start crying like a fool, you know me;)
anyways, be blessed you guys and stick around the blog. the blog will stay. because it's not for me anymore- this is for His glory and if it ever gets carnal it'll go buh-bye.
i will for sure have another post in a couple weeks when i get results of this Lymes test.
all my love- jordie
Sunday, July 25, 2010
higher ground
No power of hell
No scheme of man
Could ever pluck me from his hand
‘Til he returns
Or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I’ll stand
Lately it seems that satan has been playing games with my mind. Just trying to tempt me and pull me down. I found that he can’t pull me down when I am on my face before my Maker.
Whatever my circumstances. Whatever comes of these tests, nothing will take me away from the love of the God that I serve.
I call for Him every day and every night hoping that He will come for me- how desperately I want Him. This morning we sang the song above. And that here in the power of Christ I will stand.
Sometimes the greatest place to stand, the highest place to stand is where your face is buried in the place you usually walk.
To be in a place where no one can possibly bring you lower, but where the Lord knows exactly where you are and He is only willing to bring you up.
I have a feeling I will be in this place for a while- this place of complete brokenness and sorrow. I know He can use this.
I go to Stanford in 2 days- a video blog will come soon.
The blog desperately needed a revamp from the brown whatever, I hope you all like it:)
No scheme of man
Could ever pluck me from his hand
‘Til he returns
Or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I’ll stand
Lately it seems that satan has been playing games with my mind. Just trying to tempt me and pull me down. I found that he can’t pull me down when I am on my face before my Maker.
Whatever my circumstances. Whatever comes of these tests, nothing will take me away from the love of the God that I serve.
I call for Him every day and every night hoping that He will come for me- how desperately I want Him. This morning we sang the song above. And that here in the power of Christ I will stand.
Sometimes the greatest place to stand, the highest place to stand is where your face is buried in the place you usually walk.
To be in a place where no one can possibly bring you lower, but where the Lord knows exactly where you are and He is only willing to bring you up.
I have a feeling I will be in this place for a while- this place of complete brokenness and sorrow. I know He can use this.
I go to Stanford in 2 days- a video blog will come soon.
The blog desperately needed a revamp from the brown whatever, I hope you all like it:)
Saturday, July 17, 2010
beeDEEdooDOP- You have Reached a New level...
i am writing right now completely uninspired, so i hope you're not expecting anything beautiful.
as the title of this little excerpt entails i have reached a new level of this sickness that has left me in bed for the last few days. Yesterday I got up to play mom for a few hours driving the kids around to their skit practice and picking them up and i got enough makeup on to make myself look healthy to go to a wedding today.
my stomach has been killing me, and my head has been spinning,i feel like a fish out of water-just gasping for air and my bones hate me more than ever- this feeling is not like the flu although everyone tries to tell me it is.
i don't see stanford for another week and a half. the 27th is the day.
dr. genovese and dr. flowers are the ones i know i will be seeing for sure- please be praying for wisdom for them.
please be praying for strength for me- i've been too uncomfortable to sleep and when i do fall asleep and i roll over and wake up not being able to breathe.
but in all of this i have been reminded of my beautiful brothers and sisters who are in this fight with me- this fight for life, or...this fight for heaven. I have been reminded in OUR suffering of this verse in 1 Peter 5:10 "But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen and settle you. And to Him be the Glory!"
Amen?
This is my prayer...this is why I have this blog, this is why i am alive to this day, this is why I keep fighting for life, this is why I choose Jesus over the world, because AFTER A WHILE, we may suffer for a while but He will perfect us...oh the glorious perfection that we will receive when we meet our Maker! He will establish us, we will be firm, set in our way so that we cannot be moved. we will be strengthened- i know as for me, strength is the one thing i am looking for these days, and if Jesus can give it to me- then give me Jesus! And He will settle you! Oh to be settled, to have a peace, to have a joy that no one can take away. And let the world stand by and marvel.
Let us march on and fight-we're in this together.
And to Him be the all the glory.
Please Pray for:
Susie- Diagnosed with cancer this week, starting chemo next week.
Sue- Diagnosed also with cancer, please pray for docs to pinpoint where it is.
Kathy- Diagnosed with breast cancer this week, pray for successful surgery.
Owen- Diagnosed with Leukemia this week, 5 years old. Pray for this little guy and his family to stay strong and battle this knowing that the Lord holds his little life and loves him abundantly:)
as the title of this little excerpt entails i have reached a new level of this sickness that has left me in bed for the last few days. Yesterday I got up to play mom for a few hours driving the kids around to their skit practice and picking them up and i got enough makeup on to make myself look healthy to go to a wedding today.
my stomach has been killing me, and my head has been spinning,i feel like a fish out of water-just gasping for air and my bones hate me more than ever- this feeling is not like the flu although everyone tries to tell me it is.
i don't see stanford for another week and a half. the 27th is the day.
dr. genovese and dr. flowers are the ones i know i will be seeing for sure- please be praying for wisdom for them.
please be praying for strength for me- i've been too uncomfortable to sleep and when i do fall asleep and i roll over and wake up not being able to breathe.
but in all of this i have been reminded of my beautiful brothers and sisters who are in this fight with me- this fight for life, or...this fight for heaven. I have been reminded in OUR suffering of this verse in 1 Peter 5:10 "But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen and settle you. And to Him be the Glory!"
Amen?
This is my prayer...this is why I have this blog, this is why i am alive to this day, this is why I keep fighting for life, this is why I choose Jesus over the world, because AFTER A WHILE, we may suffer for a while but He will perfect us...oh the glorious perfection that we will receive when we meet our Maker! He will establish us, we will be firm, set in our way so that we cannot be moved. we will be strengthened- i know as for me, strength is the one thing i am looking for these days, and if Jesus can give it to me- then give me Jesus! And He will settle you! Oh to be settled, to have a peace, to have a joy that no one can take away. And let the world stand by and marvel.
Let us march on and fight-we're in this together.
And to Him be the all the glory.
Please Pray for:
Susie- Diagnosed with cancer this week, starting chemo next week.
Sue- Diagnosed also with cancer, please pray for docs to pinpoint where it is.
Kathy- Diagnosed with breast cancer this week, pray for successful surgery.
Owen- Diagnosed with Leukemia this week, 5 years old. Pray for this little guy and his family to stay strong and battle this knowing that the Lord holds his little life and loves him abundantly:)
Monday, July 12, 2010
ten
i wonder if anyone else knows what it's like to just want to write but not be able to.
i want to hold a pen in my hand and watch it glide over the paper and feel my feelings release from my heart. sometimes it all just doesn't come out when i type.
pain keeps me from this.
pain wants to eat me alive tonight.
going on 10 months now...
10 months of pain, yes, but also ten months of hope and that i will not give up. 10 months i have been waiting for a better day.
i try not to reflect on these dates, but this just randomly came into my mind.
Lord, distract me with Your presence- You are all I need.
Be my pen, be my paper, be my feelings, be the time i feel i've lost, be everything that consumes me.
i want to hold a pen in my hand and watch it glide over the paper and feel my feelings release from my heart. sometimes it all just doesn't come out when i type.
pain keeps me from this.
pain wants to eat me alive tonight.
going on 10 months now...
10 months of pain, yes, but also ten months of hope and that i will not give up. 10 months i have been waiting for a better day.
i try not to reflect on these dates, but this just randomly came into my mind.
Lord, distract me with Your presence- You are all I need.
Be my pen, be my paper, be my feelings, be the time i feel i've lost, be everything that consumes me.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
me myself, i've got nothing to prove
1.first things first, i hate whistling, it automatically makes me angry. and it probably comes from bitter jealousy because i could never do it.
2. i had blonde hair until i was 5.
3. i made a new years resolution to do nothing with my hair until 2011.
4. being alone is the scariest thing. i've found.
5. i take to heart every fortune cookie that i open.
6. my dog was my best friend, my best friend died last year.
7. my 7 weeks in italy still seem like a dream, why did i have to wake up?
8. i wear one pair of contacts for 3 months instead of 2 weeks like i should.
9. my name is really spelled jordAn.
10. in my mind i think my perfect life consists of me playing my piano in an apartment 25 stories high in a city while the people walk below and the trees sway below.
11. i love trees...and if i were not a christian, i would probably be a tree hugger.
12. i want a whole farm of children someday, or maybe i'll just work in an orphanage.
13. realistically, i want to be a doctor. everyone tells me i cannot do it.but i out to prove everyone wrong. it is not for me, it is for Jesus.
14. i wrote my bucket list when i was 15.
15. i love writing and i love paper. paper listens better than people.
16. i've always wanted to be like super toned and tanned but it's never happened.
17. i have only broken my toe, broke it running into the washing machine.
18. if it weren't for Jesus finding me in my lowest state, i would have killed myself a long time ago.
19. blowing bubbles with gum or just with soapy water is one of my favorite things:)
20. the only thing i can claim that "i am good at" is showing goats, yes, at fairs, and i am proud of that!
21. i have never dyed my hair and i do not plan on doing so until i am gray.
22. i hate cookbooks, because i don't like a book other than the bible telling me what to do- thus most of my food turns out gross.
23. i have started reading Dr. Dolittle 5 different times and have never finished it. it is the only book i have started and never finished.
24. calvary chapel bible college is a modern day heaven to me.
25. i haven't been back to the place i grew up for 4 years now and i makes me sad.
26. my monkey lamp is the most amazing thing i own.
27. when i was younger i used to run away, my intention was of going to my best friends house 5 miles away, but i never made it further than the stop sign.
28. i have no clue why i am still on earth, i am waiting to see what the Lord wants fro me. He could have taken me so many times.
29. i really don't care what people think of me. i have heard from many people lately that this is a bad thing.
30. i've lived in 4 houses in 3 places in 2 states.
31. 31. if people really took the time to get to know my sister and i, they'd realize we look nothing alike, it's an optical illusion.
32. i am obsessed with organizing things at stores- take me to target and i will stock thing for hours and be perfectly content. it's my favorite:)
33. i speak to babies in asian accents and they fall in love with me, it's quite adorable.
34. i know love.
35. i know i will be better. these bones may be decaying and these lungs may have tumors in them but the Lord has promised a better home for me, so whether i inherit the promise of a better life here on earth or in heaven- it is coming and this gives me hope to live another day.
THE END
2. i had blonde hair until i was 5.
3. i made a new years resolution to do nothing with my hair until 2011.
4. being alone is the scariest thing. i've found.
5. i take to heart every fortune cookie that i open.
6. my dog was my best friend, my best friend died last year.
7. my 7 weeks in italy still seem like a dream, why did i have to wake up?
8. i wear one pair of contacts for 3 months instead of 2 weeks like i should.
9. my name is really spelled jordAn.
10. in my mind i think my perfect life consists of me playing my piano in an apartment 25 stories high in a city while the people walk below and the trees sway below.
11. i love trees...and if i were not a christian, i would probably be a tree hugger.
12. i want a whole farm of children someday, or maybe i'll just work in an orphanage.
13. realistically, i want to be a doctor. everyone tells me i cannot do it.but i out to prove everyone wrong. it is not for me, it is for Jesus.
14. i wrote my bucket list when i was 15.
15. i love writing and i love paper. paper listens better than people.
16. i've always wanted to be like super toned and tanned but it's never happened.
17. i have only broken my toe, broke it running into the washing machine.
18. if it weren't for Jesus finding me in my lowest state, i would have killed myself a long time ago.
19. blowing bubbles with gum or just with soapy water is one of my favorite things:)
20. the only thing i can claim that "i am good at" is showing goats, yes, at fairs, and i am proud of that!
21. i have never dyed my hair and i do not plan on doing so until i am gray.
22. i hate cookbooks, because i don't like a book other than the bible telling me what to do- thus most of my food turns out gross.
23. i have started reading Dr. Dolittle 5 different times and have never finished it. it is the only book i have started and never finished.
24. calvary chapel bible college is a modern day heaven to me.
25. i haven't been back to the place i grew up for 4 years now and i makes me sad.
26. my monkey lamp is the most amazing thing i own.
27. when i was younger i used to run away, my intention was of going to my best friends house 5 miles away, but i never made it further than the stop sign.
28. i have no clue why i am still on earth, i am waiting to see what the Lord wants fro me. He could have taken me so many times.
29. i really don't care what people think of me. i have heard from many people lately that this is a bad thing.
30. i've lived in 4 houses in 3 places in 2 states.
31. 31. if people really took the time to get to know my sister and i, they'd realize we look nothing alike, it's an optical illusion.
32. i am obsessed with organizing things at stores- take me to target and i will stock thing for hours and be perfectly content. it's my favorite:)
33. i speak to babies in asian accents and they fall in love with me, it's quite adorable.
34. i know love.
35. i know i will be better. these bones may be decaying and these lungs may have tumors in them but the Lord has promised a better home for me, so whether i inherit the promise of a better life here on earth or in heaven- it is coming and this gives me hope to live another day.
THE END
Friday, July 9, 2010
life in a sunscorched land
there are four very tall sunflowers in the garden.
no one has been home to water them for the past week- no one waters them when we are home...yet they grow.
life in a dry and thirsty land. somehow they are taken care of.
there is something about sunflowers that i have always loved.
i love the orange petals and brown and black center, i love how huge they are.
i love that no matter where you are in the world that they always look at the sun.
a few hours ago when i got home they were looking up- now their heavy heads are hanging only to lift again with the sun in the morning.
i know i'm like i am like a sunflower. especially in red bluff where it is so hot. sometime i feel like there is no one to water me to help me grow in a sense, yet i do.
i MUST look a the Son. when the dark times come, i hang my head, but the light always comes again.
the sunflower is marvelous.
it is strong.
i didn't necessarily come to the computer tonight to write about flowers but when you have a lot on your mind you can relate to anything...even a flower.
so- tonight if your head if hanging, don't worry look to the Son to pick it up because He won't let you down. He loves you- cares for you.
And if He can provide water and strength for a sunflower to lift its 5 pound head on its own every day- how much more is He going to love and provide for you?
i'm saying this to myself as well.
so long and goodnight my friends.
Friday, June 25, 2010
ignore the bones and live
yesterday was epic.
oh gosh, yesterday wanted to eat me whole.
my days have kind of been like this, but not as of late because i escaped and came to Murrieta about a week ago and it's been great.
yesterday i was in carlsbad.
it was hot at home and then the beach was absolutely frigid and everyone got...you know,edgy.
a phone call set me over the edge.
after pacing up and down the beach by myself for a while. i threw pebbles into the water trying to release some anger- it wasn't working.
erica and the girls came up behind me, i threw off my excess garments and ran into that great ocean.
the feeling was wonderful.
it was no longer cold, it was beautiful.
i watched the waves ahead of me waiting for the next one to mow me down. i wouldn't fight it and everyone on the beach would look at that girl out there who didn't know how to dive under the waves- i did it on purpose.
the salt on my lips tasted like magic.
and when i dove under that wave ... for the first time in eight months my bones didn't matter.
the water carried me.
i stood up and i felt alive.
for the first time in a long time i did something that made me feel alive physically.
and today i reap the repurcussions of that...haha. but it was worth it.
the Lord brings me to life everyday, but physically i am still dragging.
the ocean held me in all its fullness.
it held me in all my fullness, it grabbed my body and my mind.
it captured my full attention and i let everything go.
those petty things in my mind went...i don't know where, but they left and suddenly i didn't care, i wouldn't care.
THANK YOU LORD FOR YOUR CREATION!
it's been a long time since i've been on here, i know. i've been doing more journaling and such, and i dont really know why i decided to share this- but life is good guys, life is really really really good. whether you're sick or healthy or poor or rich or whatever! life is good...live for today, tomorrow isn't guaranteed, the past is gone and there is no changing it. this stuff has been on my mind an the ocean brought it all back.
it brought my mind back to where it should be, that the sound of those waves are for the One who created them. If the ocean worships Him why I am I not worshipping Him?
as a health update:
(if you're bored you can skip this)
i've been in and out of stanford. it's 3 1/2 hours from my house. pain in the bum to go there. my doctors have come to no conclusions lately and this research is taking a very long time. by the looks of it i won't be back at CCBC to graduate this fall and will be stuck in northern california at different hospitals. my main prayer request is for endurance, because i don't want to run or fight anymore- not spiritually speaking, but physically. if i gave up i would be a cripple and bed-ridden, so it's not a possibility- i must keep faking it.
i love you all. please send me your prayer requests- i have plenty of time to be lifting them up: )
xoxo
oh gosh, yesterday wanted to eat me whole.
my days have kind of been like this, but not as of late because i escaped and came to Murrieta about a week ago and it's been great.
yesterday i was in carlsbad.
it was hot at home and then the beach was absolutely frigid and everyone got...you know,edgy.
a phone call set me over the edge.
after pacing up and down the beach by myself for a while. i threw pebbles into the water trying to release some anger- it wasn't working.
erica and the girls came up behind me, i threw off my excess garments and ran into that great ocean.
the feeling was wonderful.
it was no longer cold, it was beautiful.
i watched the waves ahead of me waiting for the next one to mow me down. i wouldn't fight it and everyone on the beach would look at that girl out there who didn't know how to dive under the waves- i did it on purpose.
the salt on my lips tasted like magic.
and when i dove under that wave ... for the first time in eight months my bones didn't matter.
the water carried me.
i stood up and i felt alive.
for the first time in a long time i did something that made me feel alive physically.
and today i reap the repurcussions of that...haha. but it was worth it.
the Lord brings me to life everyday, but physically i am still dragging.
the ocean held me in all its fullness.
it held me in all my fullness, it grabbed my body and my mind.
it captured my full attention and i let everything go.
those petty things in my mind went...i don't know where, but they left and suddenly i didn't care, i wouldn't care.
THANK YOU LORD FOR YOUR CREATION!
it's been a long time since i've been on here, i know. i've been doing more journaling and such, and i dont really know why i decided to share this- but life is good guys, life is really really really good. whether you're sick or healthy or poor or rich or whatever! life is good...live for today, tomorrow isn't guaranteed, the past is gone and there is no changing it. this stuff has been on my mind an the ocean brought it all back.
it brought my mind back to where it should be, that the sound of those waves are for the One who created them. If the ocean worships Him why I am I not worshipping Him?
as a health update:
(if you're bored you can skip this)
i've been in and out of stanford. it's 3 1/2 hours from my house. pain in the bum to go there. my doctors have come to no conclusions lately and this research is taking a very long time. by the looks of it i won't be back at CCBC to graduate this fall and will be stuck in northern california at different hospitals. my main prayer request is for endurance, because i don't want to run or fight anymore- not spiritually speaking, but physically. if i gave up i would be a cripple and bed-ridden, so it's not a possibility- i must keep faking it.
i love you all. please send me your prayer requests- i have plenty of time to be lifting them up: )
xoxo
Monday, May 31, 2010
FOR(him i will go)WARD
i know you've brought me here to teach me something.
these people do not know me.
they don't know my weakness.
i know that you know me.
it's this weird feeling of acknowledging how much i trust you and letting go of all i still hold onto.
i want to hold onto everything i used to have.
i want my strength.
when i see it in other people this feeling comes over me...i could not figure it out until recently.
this feeling is jealousy.
because i remember it.
i remember all you gave me.
and i am thankful for what i had.
you took my physical strength and gave me strength from the inside, but now i feel so weak.
tonight i want to touch you.
i want to feel you.
i know that you've brought me to this place so that i can want these things more than anything else.
you want my mindset to be something more eternal.
but eternity isn't right now.
while i'm here lord, i beg you to give me endurance, to run this race with a goal in mind.
to run towards your beautiful face without looking back at what i used to have.
my goal will be forwards.
my goal will be for you.
i want to want nothing else- but there are so many things that crowd my mind.
my precious lord, make me beautiful in your sight.
do not be silent at my tears.
these people do not know me.
they don't know my weakness.
i know that you know me.
it's this weird feeling of acknowledging how much i trust you and letting go of all i still hold onto.
i want to hold onto everything i used to have.
i want my strength.
when i see it in other people this feeling comes over me...i could not figure it out until recently.
this feeling is jealousy.
because i remember it.
i remember all you gave me.
and i am thankful for what i had.
you took my physical strength and gave me strength from the inside, but now i feel so weak.
tonight i want to touch you.
i want to feel you.
i know that you've brought me to this place so that i can want these things more than anything else.
you want my mindset to be something more eternal.
but eternity isn't right now.
while i'm here lord, i beg you to give me endurance, to run this race with a goal in mind.
to run towards your beautiful face without looking back at what i used to have.
my goal will be forwards.
my goal will be for you.
i want to want nothing else- but there are so many things that crowd my mind.
my precious lord, make me beautiful in your sight.
do not be silent at my tears.
Monday, May 24, 2010
we just may have been great
this is note of recognition.
a note of thankfulness to the Lord, my Redeemer and friend.
it takes time, sometimes, we must look back at where we were to be able to look forward at what we have now.
four months ago was not a pretty sight. i was angry and bitter and sick- call me Mara, don't call me Jordyn anymore.
all i wanted was CCBC- to feel love was what i longed for. what i could do for myself was impossible but what He did for me was incredible.
on an early february day all I wanted was given to me and off i went with erica to calvary chapel bible college and my life and circumstances were instantly changed- my God was for me!
over the course of the semester i knew in my mind that it was not going to be easy. soon after i got there i got this horrendous cough- started coughing up blood and got really tired, the weakness set in and the bones were hurting more than ever. as the Lord chose to take away my physical strength He placed people in my life that He knew beforehand that I would need.
the way the Lord picks people just astounds me, i needed each person for something specific and i didn't see it until recently.
first of all there was my sister- erica...where would i ever be without you? it was you that got me to school anyways, mom and dad would have never let me come if it weren't for you. you gave up days and time just for me, you gave up your car so i could make my appointments and gave up some of your heart to be all that i needed.i love you and i am going to miss you terribly this summer.
then there was mira...we were placed in the same dorm and what i thought was going to be the end of me, happened for my own good. without you my darling i would have died a horrible death in CA 123. thanks for the late night back scratches and loaning me your bed so i could sleep. thanks for taking me on as a love project by seeking the Lord; learning to be there for me even more than you were before. i can't give you anything here, but just wait for heaven girl- the rewards will come:)
then there was stevie...oh gosh kiddo, you didn't just make me cry when you left. your patience with my stubborness blessed me and taught me so much more about Christ. i don't think you know that the days we woke up super early to study the Word were days i specifically felt low and tired of fighting, the Lord chose you to show me that I was loved by someone that was greater than my temporary pain. you're a blessing, don't doubt the great ways the Lord is going to use you:)
and then there was nathan- my buddy...where would i be without you kid!!!??? your mullet and your eyes and your dumb tattoos always made me happy. i would have never known that i looked "EPIC" on the way to the hospital if it weren't for you. you brought more joy to my life in the past 4 months than i ever expected in coming back his spring. thanks:)
then there was erin...jiminy child, you beat me in the tanning contest in one day, but i still love you. thanks for the great beach days that you always suggested and the messy hair...and possibly some dreads. it sucks you're back in colorado but snail mail awaits us, and next semester as well:) ptl.
and philip...never in a million years did i expect to still have a great relationship with you, but i just love you kiddo and i am so glad that the Lord has given us what He has. I needed your humor, and the expectation of that awful beard coming off. the anticipation of the dreads and the AV golf cart crash story. oh phil, you make me happy, thanks for sticking around even though 'america may be the most boring place in the world', you've stuck it out, and you've made america better just by being apart of it.
esther-mother-freaking-perry!!!!- i'm so glad you came back to CCBC this semester, you're just great. never have i ever felt so comfortable around someone. you're just a joy to be around and make me smile hearing some things that come out of your mouth- you surprise me all the time. your relationship with nathan will always boggle my mind. please come back to me next semester. i love you dearly!
and to all the rest of you who i want to mention and probably will in more detail later, thank you- kelsey, jenni,emma, messican, brooke stew, hannah, charles, christian, angela, b-shep, mange, and so many others; you guys just rock my socks and have blessed me beyond words in the way you take care of me and "protect my bones".
The Lord is using you for far greater purposes than just blessing me,but i just want you all to know just how much i love you. may this summer be one you never forget, full of blessings and hopefully i'll see ya'lls again soon:)
all my love,
Jordyn
a note of thankfulness to the Lord, my Redeemer and friend.
it takes time, sometimes, we must look back at where we were to be able to look forward at what we have now.
four months ago was not a pretty sight. i was angry and bitter and sick- call me Mara, don't call me Jordyn anymore.
all i wanted was CCBC- to feel love was what i longed for. what i could do for myself was impossible but what He did for me was incredible.
on an early february day all I wanted was given to me and off i went with erica to calvary chapel bible college and my life and circumstances were instantly changed- my God was for me!
over the course of the semester i knew in my mind that it was not going to be easy. soon after i got there i got this horrendous cough- started coughing up blood and got really tired, the weakness set in and the bones were hurting more than ever. as the Lord chose to take away my physical strength He placed people in my life that He knew beforehand that I would need.
the way the Lord picks people just astounds me, i needed each person for something specific and i didn't see it until recently.
first of all there was my sister- erica...where would i ever be without you? it was you that got me to school anyways, mom and dad would have never let me come if it weren't for you. you gave up days and time just for me, you gave up your car so i could make my appointments and gave up some of your heart to be all that i needed.i love you and i am going to miss you terribly this summer.
then there was mira...we were placed in the same dorm and what i thought was going to be the end of me, happened for my own good. without you my darling i would have died a horrible death in CA 123. thanks for the late night back scratches and loaning me your bed so i could sleep. thanks for taking me on as a love project by seeking the Lord; learning to be there for me even more than you were before. i can't give you anything here, but just wait for heaven girl- the rewards will come:)
then there was stevie...oh gosh kiddo, you didn't just make me cry when you left. your patience with my stubborness blessed me and taught me so much more about Christ. i don't think you know that the days we woke up super early to study the Word were days i specifically felt low and tired of fighting, the Lord chose you to show me that I was loved by someone that was greater than my temporary pain. you're a blessing, don't doubt the great ways the Lord is going to use you:)
and then there was nathan- my buddy...where would i be without you kid!!!??? your mullet and your eyes and your dumb tattoos always made me happy. i would have never known that i looked "EPIC" on the way to the hospital if it weren't for you. you brought more joy to my life in the past 4 months than i ever expected in coming back his spring. thanks:)
then there was erin...jiminy child, you beat me in the tanning contest in one day, but i still love you. thanks for the great beach days that you always suggested and the messy hair...and possibly some dreads. it sucks you're back in colorado but snail mail awaits us, and next semester as well:) ptl.
and philip...never in a million years did i expect to still have a great relationship with you, but i just love you kiddo and i am so glad that the Lord has given us what He has. I needed your humor, and the expectation of that awful beard coming off. the anticipation of the dreads and the AV golf cart crash story. oh phil, you make me happy, thanks for sticking around even though 'america may be the most boring place in the world', you've stuck it out, and you've made america better just by being apart of it.
esther-mother-freaking-perry!!!!- i'm so glad you came back to CCBC this semester, you're just great. never have i ever felt so comfortable around someone. you're just a joy to be around and make me smile hearing some things that come out of your mouth- you surprise me all the time. your relationship with nathan will always boggle my mind. please come back to me next semester. i love you dearly!
and to all the rest of you who i want to mention and probably will in more detail later, thank you- kelsey, jenni,emma, messican, brooke stew, hannah, charles, christian, angela, b-shep, mange, and so many others; you guys just rock my socks and have blessed me beyond words in the way you take care of me and "protect my bones".
The Lord is using you for far greater purposes than just blessing me,but i just want you all to know just how much i love you. may this summer be one you never forget, full of blessings and hopefully i'll see ya'lls again soon:)
all my love,
Jordyn
Saturday, May 22, 2010
...and they called this place my home
yesterday i left.
i left what i know as my home.
i left what has kept me above the raging seas for the past 4 months.
i left the people i love the most.
it took about 2 weeks of tears to let it go.
i sat in class with people and thought that i may never ever be there again.
i walked through the coffee shop to see philip sleeping on the couch- a perfectly normal sight.
hugs to dave shirley. and talks with terry- the dishwasher.
all this just takes too long to say goodbye to.
so graduation finally came- i got the brochure deal that had all my friends names in it...minus mine.
this was my class- and this is why it was so hard to see them all go.
hopefully i'll be back as a 5th semester in the fall.
hopefully stanford will have something for me.
these are my hopes. i know the Lord knows them all- He thinks some are crazy,yet He cares about them. "God bless the Lord"-CCBC
so, with many tears I bid them all farewell as evil thoughts came into my head thinking I may never see them again. maybe not here, not on this earth. oh, but we will meet again:)
the long drive got the best of me. I didn't talk besides putting in the frequent "South, please!" when getting back on the freeway. I said it in all seriousness but it didn't work, because I arrived here. In Red Bluff.
The mullets and mary kay ladies greeted me along with the hazardously depressing weather and the smelly little dogs.
i love it all- it does make me smile, but how I miss what I had.
I am glad that this time I never took a day for granted. Every day I lived as if I were dying- because it could have happened. The Lord is using this crazy adventure- I have learned to love, to love better than before, because i know how much it hurts to leave it all.
so, here I am- maybe in a new chapter, awaiting whatever may happen next...
i left what i know as my home.
i left what has kept me above the raging seas for the past 4 months.
i left the people i love the most.
it took about 2 weeks of tears to let it go.
i sat in class with people and thought that i may never ever be there again.
i walked through the coffee shop to see philip sleeping on the couch- a perfectly normal sight.
hugs to dave shirley. and talks with terry- the dishwasher.
all this just takes too long to say goodbye to.
so graduation finally came- i got the brochure deal that had all my friends names in it...minus mine.
this was my class- and this is why it was so hard to see them all go.
hopefully i'll be back as a 5th semester in the fall.
hopefully stanford will have something for me.
these are my hopes. i know the Lord knows them all- He thinks some are crazy,yet He cares about them. "God bless the Lord"-CCBC
so, with many tears I bid them all farewell as evil thoughts came into my head thinking I may never see them again. maybe not here, not on this earth. oh, but we will meet again:)
the long drive got the best of me. I didn't talk besides putting in the frequent "South, please!" when getting back on the freeway. I said it in all seriousness but it didn't work, because I arrived here. In Red Bluff.
The mullets and mary kay ladies greeted me along with the hazardously depressing weather and the smelly little dogs.
i love it all- it does make me smile, but how I miss what I had.
I am glad that this time I never took a day for granted. Every day I lived as if I were dying- because it could have happened. The Lord is using this crazy adventure- I have learned to love, to love better than before, because i know how much it hurts to leave it all.
so, here I am- maybe in a new chapter, awaiting whatever may happen next...
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
in remembering
if you can remember to pray for me, please stop and pray for Jenna first.
thanks.
Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.- Kahlil Gibran
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
this is different.
it's a weird feeling to be falling apart physically.
i was up and about the other day and felt my heart racing, i looked at my chest to see it pounding through my chest.
kinda cool- but not at all normal.
i've fallen apart emotionally many times.
as tired as i feel with classes and all i can't help but be blessed; well the Lord can't help but bless me. He loves me, through all my unworthiness and it pretty much rocks my socks.
my class; ruth and esther has been amazing, it's tough to stay awake, yet i listen and get so blessed, simply by God's word. i don't see myself really as a ruth or an esther, yet i know that God is working behind the scenes in my life as well and that he ultimately desires to give me a future and a hope- something to hold onto.
He longs to redeem me. my next project is a research paper on the Kinsman Redeemer.
5 pages at the least usually scares me, but i am kind of excited to get into this and learn more about my Savior.
tonight i go to Southwest Juvenille Hall as every tuesday night and share a bible study with unit 4. i'm not sure what to share on, but it will come, because the Lord never fails.
Noah's memorial service is this saturday and i wish that i could spend 500 dollars on a plane ticket...i would give anything to be there for Jenna. my heart still hurts, i find that tears still come to my eyes. i am afraid to talk to her, because i'm afraid of these tears that come all too often- I want to be strong for her, yet I am still so weak. only God can be her strength...i wish i had more to offer, but all I have left is my Savior.
I learned His name today- El Shaddai- He is enough, He is the One who will bring me to the end of myself to find He who is all powerful. He holds it all- and this is only one of His names. How beautiful.
I've learned a lot about names in this class- I wish my name meant something, it means "decending" or something...nothing great, but i am not great- God deserves all these names..if only we called Him this more often.
On thursday I will go back to Dr. Chung for an echocardiogram, I will see my heart on a screen and hopefully have something to glean from this appointment.
life has been good- i am dreading going home, the fellowship here is like nothing else on this earth- yet i know the Lord will bless my time back in Red Bluff just like everything else.
I have no room to doubt him.
15 days remain and this may be the last blog coming from CCBC for my 4th semester...i'll be home soon. I wish I could go home and be well- this is my desire- but I will go home and not be able to do much more than rest...but during this time my goal is not to forget that the Lord, my God, my El Shaddai will still be working behind the scenes of my life.
so here's to a the end of a chapter, the end of 4th semester and on to whatever the Lord may bring; it scares me not knowing what to expect, yet it's not mine to worry about. If the Lord gives the birds food and a nest I am sure that He will take care of me, I'm His child and He's promised not to abandon me.
I hope I remember this when a few weeks go by and times get tougher.
For all you reading- remind me of this.
i was up and about the other day and felt my heart racing, i looked at my chest to see it pounding through my chest.
kinda cool- but not at all normal.
i've fallen apart emotionally many times.
as tired as i feel with classes and all i can't help but be blessed; well the Lord can't help but bless me. He loves me, through all my unworthiness and it pretty much rocks my socks.
my class; ruth and esther has been amazing, it's tough to stay awake, yet i listen and get so blessed, simply by God's word. i don't see myself really as a ruth or an esther, yet i know that God is working behind the scenes in my life as well and that he ultimately desires to give me a future and a hope- something to hold onto.
He longs to redeem me. my next project is a research paper on the Kinsman Redeemer.
5 pages at the least usually scares me, but i am kind of excited to get into this and learn more about my Savior.
tonight i go to Southwest Juvenille Hall as every tuesday night and share a bible study with unit 4. i'm not sure what to share on, but it will come, because the Lord never fails.
Noah's memorial service is this saturday and i wish that i could spend 500 dollars on a plane ticket...i would give anything to be there for Jenna. my heart still hurts, i find that tears still come to my eyes. i am afraid to talk to her, because i'm afraid of these tears that come all too often- I want to be strong for her, yet I am still so weak. only God can be her strength...i wish i had more to offer, but all I have left is my Savior.
I learned His name today- El Shaddai- He is enough, He is the One who will bring me to the end of myself to find He who is all powerful. He holds it all- and this is only one of His names. How beautiful.
I've learned a lot about names in this class- I wish my name meant something, it means "decending" or something...nothing great, but i am not great- God deserves all these names..if only we called Him this more often.
On thursday I will go back to Dr. Chung for an echocardiogram, I will see my heart on a screen and hopefully have something to glean from this appointment.
life has been good- i am dreading going home, the fellowship here is like nothing else on this earth- yet i know the Lord will bless my time back in Red Bluff just like everything else.
I have no room to doubt him.
15 days remain and this may be the last blog coming from CCBC for my 4th semester...i'll be home soon. I wish I could go home and be well- this is my desire- but I will go home and not be able to do much more than rest...but during this time my goal is not to forget that the Lord, my God, my El Shaddai will still be working behind the scenes of my life.
so here's to a the end of a chapter, the end of 4th semester and on to whatever the Lord may bring; it scares me not knowing what to expect, yet it's not mine to worry about. If the Lord gives the birds food and a nest I am sure that He will take care of me, I'm His child and He's promised not to abandon me.
I hope I remember this when a few weeks go by and times get tougher.
For all you reading- remind me of this.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
it is well with my soul.
This week has been one I won’t forget anytime soon.
In fact it might be one of those that I may talk to my grandkids about in my rocking chair in 2070…haha let’s hope not. Jesus come quickly!
Friday night it all started. We went to the park and played wiffle ball- well I watched. During the events I started coughing, my cough is no normal cough, I was coughing up blood, a lot of it. I swallowed it all like I usually do and then threw it all up. Going to bed is usually my best bet. Saturday things just got worse. Around 9pm I called my mom barely breathing. Kelsey and jenni came to my room and called an ambulance. Soon there were about 5 guys in my room- hooking me up to machines galore; thinking that I was having a heart attack. Heart attacks are normal for this kid. Well, as always; the docs found nothing but “bronchitis” at the hospital. Screw that answer. I know better. Well, Sunday afternoon brought me back to the ER, not breathing again. This doctor listened some more and talked to my mom over the phone. Eventually, what this all came down to was that they cannot help me and my best bet is going to a big university research hospital. Which at this point I’d be down for…pretty much anything. Anything but a primary care doc who will just look at me and once again say “Jordyn, you are like no one I have ever met, you have a very unique case, and…” And that’s all, all they ever have to say.
I saw my critical care pulmonologist on Tuesday. My bronchoscopy results were normal as ever. He found slight bacteria from a pneumonia infection, but nothing serious. I always pray for it to be something serious. Serious means answer. Answer means help. And help means…getting better? Either way I am somewhat at a loss. My plan is to go home this summer. I also plan on getting some referrals to go to Stanford Medical and get some help there. San Francisco is not close, but it’s all I have left. I don’t feel like giving up anytime soon. Giving up in this fight would entail living in pain and being hopeless. Hope is what I thrive on. I will not give it up for anything.
I started my new block class today, Ruth and Esther is what I’m currently studying. We are learning about our Kinsman Redeemer. I know the Lord is able to take care of me, but I have been praying more for this husband of mine, wherever he may be. I know a day is coming soon when I won’t be able to take care of myself and I cannot depend upon my parents forever. I will wait for this helpmate for as long as I have to, I know my Redeemer will bring him to me when the time is perfect. I feel like I would have nothing to offer, nothing but love. Hopefully love would be enough.
In the meantime I am perfectly in love with my Savior, He proves to me every day that He is good and I have no place to doubt Him. He holds me and quiets me and wipes away my tears. He knows me like no one else and provides for me constantly.
On Friday I have an appointment with my cardiologist at 11:30, I’ll ask him about congestive heart failure. Maybe a new heart is what I need.
So I continue to wait. Life is a waiting game I guess. This week has been rough. Noah went to be with Jesus and I don’t think I have ever in my 20 years cried so many tears; I cannot explain enough how much I longed to hold that precious baby and see him outlast me, but the Lord has such a different plan. Noah doesn’t have to suffer. He is perfect now. And I cannot wait till the day I meet him; the Lord gave me a dream a few nights ago, it was Noah, he was beautiful and healthy, smiling. But it was not me that was holding him, neither was it Jenna. Now I pray that the Lord will hold Jenna so close to Himself during this time, that she will find this love that I have found in my wilderness as she holds onto nothing now. We do indeed have to lose our lives in order to find it. For me, I trusted in my health, and that in that I could do anything, and the Lord took it away from me and replaced it with Himself. But here in the wilderness I have found everything that I need. For Jenna, all she wanted was Noah and she held onto him with all she had, now all she has is Christ, this life has been taken away so abruptly. I pray that this wilderness leads her to promise.
Well, this is a much longer update than I expected but I must inform you all what’s been going on. I appreciate you all who have been praying for Noah and Jenna and myself as well.
“The Lord will fight for you and you shall hold your peace”-Exodus 14:14
Praise the one is mighty to save, to conquer and deliver we who are so small, weak and fragile.
From this heart that now beats with a different rhythm,
Jordyn
In fact it might be one of those that I may talk to my grandkids about in my rocking chair in 2070…haha let’s hope not. Jesus come quickly!
Friday night it all started. We went to the park and played wiffle ball- well I watched. During the events I started coughing, my cough is no normal cough, I was coughing up blood, a lot of it. I swallowed it all like I usually do and then threw it all up. Going to bed is usually my best bet. Saturday things just got worse. Around 9pm I called my mom barely breathing. Kelsey and jenni came to my room and called an ambulance. Soon there were about 5 guys in my room- hooking me up to machines galore; thinking that I was having a heart attack. Heart attacks are normal for this kid. Well, as always; the docs found nothing but “bronchitis” at the hospital. Screw that answer. I know better. Well, Sunday afternoon brought me back to the ER, not breathing again. This doctor listened some more and talked to my mom over the phone. Eventually, what this all came down to was that they cannot help me and my best bet is going to a big university research hospital. Which at this point I’d be down for…pretty much anything. Anything but a primary care doc who will just look at me and once again say “Jordyn, you are like no one I have ever met, you have a very unique case, and…” And that’s all, all they ever have to say.
I saw my critical care pulmonologist on Tuesday. My bronchoscopy results were normal as ever. He found slight bacteria from a pneumonia infection, but nothing serious. I always pray for it to be something serious. Serious means answer. Answer means help. And help means…getting better? Either way I am somewhat at a loss. My plan is to go home this summer. I also plan on getting some referrals to go to Stanford Medical and get some help there. San Francisco is not close, but it’s all I have left. I don’t feel like giving up anytime soon. Giving up in this fight would entail living in pain and being hopeless. Hope is what I thrive on. I will not give it up for anything.
I started my new block class today, Ruth and Esther is what I’m currently studying. We are learning about our Kinsman Redeemer. I know the Lord is able to take care of me, but I have been praying more for this husband of mine, wherever he may be. I know a day is coming soon when I won’t be able to take care of myself and I cannot depend upon my parents forever. I will wait for this helpmate for as long as I have to, I know my Redeemer will bring him to me when the time is perfect. I feel like I would have nothing to offer, nothing but love. Hopefully love would be enough.
In the meantime I am perfectly in love with my Savior, He proves to me every day that He is good and I have no place to doubt Him. He holds me and quiets me and wipes away my tears. He knows me like no one else and provides for me constantly.
On Friday I have an appointment with my cardiologist at 11:30, I’ll ask him about congestive heart failure. Maybe a new heart is what I need.
So I continue to wait. Life is a waiting game I guess. This week has been rough. Noah went to be with Jesus and I don’t think I have ever in my 20 years cried so many tears; I cannot explain enough how much I longed to hold that precious baby and see him outlast me, but the Lord has such a different plan. Noah doesn’t have to suffer. He is perfect now. And I cannot wait till the day I meet him; the Lord gave me a dream a few nights ago, it was Noah, he was beautiful and healthy, smiling. But it was not me that was holding him, neither was it Jenna. Now I pray that the Lord will hold Jenna so close to Himself during this time, that she will find this love that I have found in my wilderness as she holds onto nothing now. We do indeed have to lose our lives in order to find it. For me, I trusted in my health, and that in that I could do anything, and the Lord took it away from me and replaced it with Himself. But here in the wilderness I have found everything that I need. For Jenna, all she wanted was Noah and she held onto him with all she had, now all she has is Christ, this life has been taken away so abruptly. I pray that this wilderness leads her to promise.
Well, this is a much longer update than I expected but I must inform you all what’s been going on. I appreciate you all who have been praying for Noah and Jenna and myself as well.
“The Lord will fight for you and you shall hold your peace”-Exodus 14:14
Praise the one is mighty to save, to conquer and deliver we who are so small, weak and fragile.
From this heart that now beats with a different rhythm,
Jordyn
Noah Zion Creasy- April 27th 2010
Noah came into this world yesterday morning at 11:40 via c-section and was soon taken home by our Almighty God in the afternoon. The Lord gives and He takes away...we will still bless His name, because He still is good.
Dear Noah,
Today you went to be with Jesus. You put up quite the fight little guy. I found out and I wished that you were still here; but that was selfish. I wanted to hold you. I wanted you to outlast me, but Jesus loves you so much that He wanted to hold you much more than we all did here.
I grew very attached to you over these past months. And I found this new love for your mom that I never knew before. She’s a great little lady and would have given everything for you, well she did; the only way she could, by keeping you.
It was hard for me to hear that you were not here anymore; although you’ll never feel that pain. Your mom came to visit a couple months ago…we sat in a class together and I felt you kick your foot against my hand, you were so alive Noah. I thank God that I got to experience that.
I know my tears won’t bring you back, so I’ll stop crying and start thanking my Jesus that you are healthy and perfect and living in perfect peace. I love you so much little boy.
With all my heart,
Auntie Jordyn
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
nothing more.
i want nothing more than Jesus.
I want to love the God of the word just as much as I love the word of God.
this is a growing time.
i know nothing right now.
i don't know what my life holds. but i know that He has given me promises and He also wants me to dwell in them.
i know that this valley is only the shadow of death, not death itself.
and i know that He is with me.
i know He longs to hold my hand. and hold onto my heart.
He desires to breathe life into my hurting lungs.
and give strength to me when there is nothing left.
these things i know because i know that He loves me.
Satan can try to lie to me. well he did.
i believed him. and i had to ask for forgiveness.
i am waiting for Him to restore my soul. I know that He is leading me, I just don't know where. i feel helpless and useless.
june will come and i will ask my doctor what research hospitals are looking for people like me.
i will not stop praying for healing. i know that it is real because I have experienced it before. I have so much on my mind I could write a book this very second, but my day is going to be packed.
the Lord's love is really what overwhelms me right now. i know that it is real. He has kept me awake for 2 nights now. i sit up and watch out my window at the lights and wait for the sun to come up while i pray. i wait for the nyquil to kick in but it never does. there is a reason for this.
something amazing is happening here.
here in the wilderness. it may be lonely and cold, then scorching hot. i may have nothing. i may be hungry, but in my heart of hearts i know that God is good and no one can take that away.
I pray that someday I will be bold, I will be strong to speak. I know I need to share this. Maybe when I go home for the summer. because everyone experiences wilderness. we just do not know how to tolerate it. we still are more than conquerors, we have just forgotten.
from this brain that won't stop thinking,
jordyn ellyse
Friday, April 16, 2010
wilderness.
i have never in my life known such wilderness.
that picture you see above this post.
this is where i feel like i am at all the time.
in the photo, i could see someone ahead of me though.
the Lord has brought me to this place to humble me.
to test me.
to see what is in my heart.
deuteronomy chapter 8.
He is allowing me to hunger.
and He is feeding me with what I do not know.
I have nothing left but Him.
I want nothing but Him.
i'm sorry if you cannot relate to me.
if you have not been in these shoes, then don't try to.
the Lord will put you in them one day.
if you have been in this wilderness. but you are no longer here. remember the Lord your God who has brought you out of it. do not forget Him who is able to save!
i trust Him to bring me just as far out of this as He has brought me into this land of messes and chaos. because He understands me perfectly. He holds me. He holds my test results; yet allows me to suffer.
2 Chronicles 20:12- we do not know what we are about to face, but our eyes are upon You, because You,are greater!
as an update of sorts- i have no plans for this summer until april 29th which is my next appoint with Dr. Lee. He is my critical care pulmonologist. He will have my results from the bronchoscopy...and pictures too(so stay tuned). This will determine where I stay for the summer. I want to go home, only because I soon will need someone to take care of me.The only way i would be able to go home for the summer is if I could see an oncologist. the other doctors don't exist in northern california. well, they do, but only in sacramento and san francisco, which means it would be quite the drive to get some help when if i stayed here, i would only have to drive minutes to see a good doctor to help me.
so keep this all in prayer. no plans til the 29th.
that picture you see above this post.
this is where i feel like i am at all the time.
in the photo, i could see someone ahead of me though.
the Lord has brought me to this place to humble me.
to test me.
to see what is in my heart.
deuteronomy chapter 8.
He is allowing me to hunger.
and He is feeding me with what I do not know.
I have nothing left but Him.
I want nothing but Him.
i'm sorry if you cannot relate to me.
if you have not been in these shoes, then don't try to.
the Lord will put you in them one day.
if you have been in this wilderness. but you are no longer here. remember the Lord your God who has brought you out of it. do not forget Him who is able to save!
i trust Him to bring me just as far out of this as He has brought me into this land of messes and chaos. because He understands me perfectly. He holds me. He holds my test results; yet allows me to suffer.
2 Chronicles 20:12- we do not know what we are about to face, but our eyes are upon You, because You,are greater!
as an update of sorts- i have no plans for this summer until april 29th which is my next appoint with Dr. Lee. He is my critical care pulmonologist. He will have my results from the bronchoscopy...and pictures too(so stay tuned). This will determine where I stay for the summer. I want to go home, only because I soon will need someone to take care of me.The only way i would be able to go home for the summer is if I could see an oncologist. the other doctors don't exist in northern california. well, they do, but only in sacramento and san francisco, which means it would be quite the drive to get some help when if i stayed here, i would only have to drive minutes to see a good doctor to help me.
so keep this all in prayer. no plans til the 29th.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
wishes
i wish my heart could be as fragile as my bones.
unfortunately i have grown cold to feelings.
i'm sorry that i don't mind them as i should.
doctors have forgotten me and i have picked up their horrible habits.
to all of my friends and family.
don't doubt my love for you.
i love you more than my words or facial expressions can explain.
my blank stares may hurt you.
but in my heart a lot is going on.
my dumb heart doesn't know how to handle all the situations that are going on.
i am overwhelmed.
i feel sick out of disappointment of myself.
so please forgive me.
i may never change.
i hate to blame it on the changes, but sometimes it's all i have left to do.
my diseases have unfortunately made me a monster at times.
the devil tries to play games with my mind. don't help him.
i'm sorry if i've hurt you.
please let love be enough.
because right now it's all i have to give.
unfortunately i have grown cold to feelings.
i'm sorry that i don't mind them as i should.
doctors have forgotten me and i have picked up their horrible habits.
to all of my friends and family.
don't doubt my love for you.
i love you more than my words or facial expressions can explain.
my blank stares may hurt you.
but in my heart a lot is going on.
my dumb heart doesn't know how to handle all the situations that are going on.
i am overwhelmed.
i feel sick out of disappointment of myself.
so please forgive me.
i may never change.
i hate to blame it on the changes, but sometimes it's all i have left to do.
my diseases have unfortunately made me a monster at times.
the devil tries to play games with my mind. don't help him.
i'm sorry if i've hurt you.
please let love be enough.
because right now it's all i have to give.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
letters to the unborn
Dear Noah,
I was up all last night praying for you. It is still 10 days until you are born, but I have been praying for you for a long, long time, and I won’t stop anytime soon. I am very sick and I was in a lot of pain last night, maybe you were too, I think this is where God gives me a lot of compassion for you, maybe He keeps us awake at the same times. I don’t know if I will ever get to meet you face to face, or hold you in my own arms, but I know that your beautiful mommy will read this to you, hopefully while you snuggle her. I want you to get better little boy, real fast. But if you go home to be with Jesus before I do, it’s ok, you’ve had a long tough fight. You’re quite the strong man, I’ve seen your muscles on the sonogram pictures your mom has shown me, Noah, you are fearfully and definitely wonderfully made…Trisomy 18 has nothing on you.
Although we have never met, you have become quite popular. When I found out you were coming, I was in Italy, it’s a beautiful place, and there were and still are many people there praying for you. And there is a place in California where I met your mom called Calvary Chapel Bible College; Noah, there are more than 100 people I know that are praying for you here.
I want to sing this to you in person but I know your mom knows all the words and she’ll sing it to you, so if you get tired, if the nurses and doctors get to you just have her sing you this little diddle by James Taylor, it’s my favorite…Close your eyes, you can close your eyes, it’s alright. I don’t know no love songs and I can’t sing the blues anymore. But I can sing this song. And you can sing this song when I’m gone.
I love you Noah. You hang in there, stay warm and cozy. Welcome to the world little boy!
With all my love,
Auntie Jordyn
I was up all last night praying for you. It is still 10 days until you are born, but I have been praying for you for a long, long time, and I won’t stop anytime soon. I am very sick and I was in a lot of pain last night, maybe you were too, I think this is where God gives me a lot of compassion for you, maybe He keeps us awake at the same times. I don’t know if I will ever get to meet you face to face, or hold you in my own arms, but I know that your beautiful mommy will read this to you, hopefully while you snuggle her. I want you to get better little boy, real fast. But if you go home to be with Jesus before I do, it’s ok, you’ve had a long tough fight. You’re quite the strong man, I’ve seen your muscles on the sonogram pictures your mom has shown me, Noah, you are fearfully and definitely wonderfully made…Trisomy 18 has nothing on you.
Although we have never met, you have become quite popular. When I found out you were coming, I was in Italy, it’s a beautiful place, and there were and still are many people there praying for you. And there is a place in California where I met your mom called Calvary Chapel Bible College; Noah, there are more than 100 people I know that are praying for you here.
I want to sing this to you in person but I know your mom knows all the words and she’ll sing it to you, so if you get tired, if the nurses and doctors get to you just have her sing you this little diddle by James Taylor, it’s my favorite…Close your eyes, you can close your eyes, it’s alright. I don’t know no love songs and I can’t sing the blues anymore. But I can sing this song. And you can sing this song when I’m gone.
I love you Noah. You hang in there, stay warm and cozy. Welcome to the world little boy!
With all my love,
Auntie Jordyn
Saturday, April 10, 2010
boggy bronchoscopy
as we already went over on facebook some college students party it up in cancun this week, others get their messy hair on with their slightly crooked glasses.
none the less it was great. i am here to talk about my bronchoscopy though.
wednesday i went back to inland valley hospital, where i was born( how weird is that!!) and had this mini surgery done.
i met a lot of new people, lot of nurses and pulmonary people, they told me Dr. Lee would take pictures of my dear little lungs if need be, but wouldn't waste film on anything perfectly normal. I prayed that he would waste film.
So, I woke up not too much later, the doc had talked to my mom, who had flown down from Sacramento the day before to be with me at the hospital that day, he told her that my left lung looked "Boggy(whatever this means) and the tissue was thin" so he took pictures!!!
All these little tumors that I have had have been on my right side of my lungs but apparently there was nothing too frightening over there.
but he washed my lungs anyways. sounds great. they don't feel too clean, but for my mind, it feels nice to think that they are clean.
So, I will see these photos of my lungs and hopefully post them on here sometime soon when i get in for an appointment with Dr. Lee. Hopefully he will have some sort of news for me. He told my mom that he is not quite finished with me yet. He has blood work he wants to do. just some ideas in general, which is always good. i like when doctors use their heads.
the Lord has been good to me.
He has put so many good people around me.
like too many to count.
it's really amazing.
right when I start to doubt Him is when He reminds me that He does hear me.
it's easy to forget. because my prayers get repetitive.
but thank you all for your prayers shot up on wednesday, i'll keep you updated on here for sure, with pics and all hopefully!
love you all.
none the less it was great. i am here to talk about my bronchoscopy though.
wednesday i went back to inland valley hospital, where i was born( how weird is that!!) and had this mini surgery done.
i met a lot of new people, lot of nurses and pulmonary people, they told me Dr. Lee would take pictures of my dear little lungs if need be, but wouldn't waste film on anything perfectly normal. I prayed that he would waste film.
So, I woke up not too much later, the doc had talked to my mom, who had flown down from Sacramento the day before to be with me at the hospital that day, he told her that my left lung looked "Boggy(whatever this means) and the tissue was thin" so he took pictures!!!
All these little tumors that I have had have been on my right side of my lungs but apparently there was nothing too frightening over there.
but he washed my lungs anyways. sounds great. they don't feel too clean, but for my mind, it feels nice to think that they are clean.
So, I will see these photos of my lungs and hopefully post them on here sometime soon when i get in for an appointment with Dr. Lee. Hopefully he will have some sort of news for me. He told my mom that he is not quite finished with me yet. He has blood work he wants to do. just some ideas in general, which is always good. i like when doctors use their heads.
the Lord has been good to me.
He has put so many good people around me.
like too many to count.
it's really amazing.
right when I start to doubt Him is when He reminds me that He does hear me.
it's easy to forget. because my prayers get repetitive.
but thank you all for your prayers shot up on wednesday, i'll keep you updated on here for sure, with pics and all hopefully!
love you all.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
say what you will.
i am not afraid of offending people.
read away.
if you are scared of my pain. if you are moved by this situation then that's your problem. i will not stop blogging. this is my way of releasing my emotional pain. the Lord hears and He heals the majority of it, but this is how I get rid of the rest of it.
there is nothing in the world i want right now more than Jesus Christ.
I want to be with Him, eternally.
If that scares you, then stop reading.
you don't have to read this.
but this is my reality.
we can't sweep this under the rug forever and pretend that this could be an infection and that antibiotics could help...as nice as that sounds.
for most people, this is not a problem.
my life is not normal. this may sound selfish.
but responsibility sort of asks me to be self absorbed sometimes.
this is being written because i've heard some things. and i don't want you all to be upset and all.
i love you all. and i know you love me too. and that's why you're reading. and that's why you're afraid. but you don't have to.
The book of Hosea teaches us that in affliction is when we learn to earnestly seek our Maker(5:15). He surely is teaching me. I pray that He teaches you as well, it hurts, you will not enjoy this chastening, but prepare my dear friend for the battle that will come. and if this battle does not come, i pray for your faith that it will increase, because the Lord scourges whom He loves. If you are not going through battles examine where you are with Christ.
I pray He gives you patience, and character and with this that He brings you hope.
with all I have left,
Jordyn
read away.
if you are scared of my pain. if you are moved by this situation then that's your problem. i will not stop blogging. this is my way of releasing my emotional pain. the Lord hears and He heals the majority of it, but this is how I get rid of the rest of it.
there is nothing in the world i want right now more than Jesus Christ.
I want to be with Him, eternally.
If that scares you, then stop reading.
you don't have to read this.
but this is my reality.
we can't sweep this under the rug forever and pretend that this could be an infection and that antibiotics could help...as nice as that sounds.
for most people, this is not a problem.
my life is not normal. this may sound selfish.
but responsibility sort of asks me to be self absorbed sometimes.
this is being written because i've heard some things. and i don't want you all to be upset and all.
i love you all. and i know you love me too. and that's why you're reading. and that's why you're afraid. but you don't have to.
The book of Hosea teaches us that in affliction is when we learn to earnestly seek our Maker(5:15). He surely is teaching me. I pray that He teaches you as well, it hurts, you will not enjoy this chastening, but prepare my dear friend for the battle that will come. and if this battle does not come, i pray for your faith that it will increase, because the Lord scourges whom He loves. If you are not going through battles examine where you are with Christ.
I pray He gives you patience, and character and with this that He brings you hope.
with all I have left,
Jordyn
Saturday, March 27, 2010
.el cielo.
confusion has filled my mind.
what do i live for?
last night i went there.
it was beautiful.
it was golden.
there were cornfields.
there were houses not built by human hands.
there was worship.
it was filled with the glory of God.
last night in my dreaming I saw a glimpse of heaven.
and i knew it was because Jesus whispered in my ear...
"This is your home...you'll be here"
i wanted to stay.
but i am still here in this madly hurting world, still blogging, until i go home.
the Lord is good to me.
please pray for answers on tuesday :)
all my love from the CCBC Library,
Jordyn
what do i live for?
last night i went there.
it was beautiful.
it was golden.
there were cornfields.
there were houses not built by human hands.
there was worship.
it was filled with the glory of God.
last night in my dreaming I saw a glimpse of heaven.
and i knew it was because Jesus whispered in my ear...
"This is your home...you'll be here"
i wanted to stay.
but i am still here in this madly hurting world, still blogging, until i go home.
the Lord is good to me.
please pray for answers on tuesday :)
all my love from the CCBC Library,
Jordyn
Friday, March 26, 2010
ahe, oh, pee, eee
i am learning to hope.
this is tough.
this battle is raging on.
it is most definitely not waiting for me.
i used to say bring it on.
now i say slow it down.i am weary.
Lamentations 3 lifted me up.
read it guys.
22 Through the LORD’s mercies we are not consumed,
Because His compassions fail not.
23 They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.
24 “ The LORD is my portion,” says my soul,
“ Therefore I hope in Him!”
25 The LORD is good to those who wait for Him,
To the soul who seeks Him.
26 It is good that one should hope and wait quietly
For the salvation of the LORD.
please feel free to encourage me. I want to go home. no, not red bluff, not selah, i want my heaven home. i want to worship Jesus forever. this is my one desire. but i know that while i am here, i need not to want what i cannot have, as of right now i am not dying( or no one has told me yet)...so i must press on. it hurts so bad.
my heart is torn as i wait. so i'll wait silently for the Lord to answer my cry. because i know that He hears me; because i still believe that He is good.
A knife in my hip.
needles in my shoulders.
nails driven into my arms.
legs broken in two.
feet torn from the sockets.
ribs crushed and shattered.
this is what i feel
blessed me the name of my ever living God who was and is and is to come!
* and as an update, today i have an chest CT scan to characterize the nodules and see if they are growing. I am being tested for Wegener's Disease (feel free to look it up) and bone and lung cancer. After this CT scan and the nodules are characterized a bronchoscopy will be done to remove the tumors and test for cancers.
this is tough.
this battle is raging on.
it is most definitely not waiting for me.
i used to say bring it on.
now i say slow it down.i am weary.
Lamentations 3 lifted me up.
read it guys.
22 Through the LORD’s mercies we are not consumed,
Because His compassions fail not.
23 They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.
24 “ The LORD is my portion,” says my soul,
“ Therefore I hope in Him!”
25 The LORD is good to those who wait for Him,
To the soul who seeks Him.
26 It is good that one should hope and wait quietly
For the salvation of the LORD.
please feel free to encourage me. I want to go home. no, not red bluff, not selah, i want my heaven home. i want to worship Jesus forever. this is my one desire. but i know that while i am here, i need not to want what i cannot have, as of right now i am not dying( or no one has told me yet)...so i must press on. it hurts so bad.
my heart is torn as i wait. so i'll wait silently for the Lord to answer my cry. because i know that He hears me; because i still believe that He is good.
A knife in my hip.
needles in my shoulders.
nails driven into my arms.
legs broken in two.
feet torn from the sockets.
ribs crushed and shattered.
this is what i feel
blessed me the name of my ever living God who was and is and is to come!
* and as an update, today i have an chest CT scan to characterize the nodules and see if they are growing. I am being tested for Wegener's Disease (feel free to look it up) and bone and lung cancer. After this CT scan and the nodules are characterized a bronchoscopy will be done to remove the tumors and test for cancers.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
the best so far.
thee most sisterly picture of the semester : Coffee Shop
thee smelliest hot springs with Jayden, Samantha and my Lizzie.
thee cutest little prego lady ever...my Jenna at Oceanside
thee best family photo: Venice Beach
thee best boys ever: Banquet march 3rd
thee best kitchen with Erin : Venice Beach
pictures that somewhat describe my life. PTL!
thee smelliest hot springs with Jayden, Samantha and my Lizzie.
thee cutest little prego lady ever...my Jenna at Oceanside
thee best family photo: Venice Beach
thee best boys ever: Banquet march 3rd
thee best kitchen with Erin : Venice Beach
pictures that somewhat describe my life. PTL!
Friday, March 19, 2010
we just might be getting somewhere.
i call my doctors.
usually everyday.
i have 2 appointments monday and one on tuesday.
they have my test results for my parathyroid.
i talked to my neurologist.
soon things will change.
i am ready.
i have 2 critical care pulmonologists.
my rheumatologist is currently leading me in the right direction.
still i pray mostly for contentment.
so badly i want an answer, sometimes i think i need an answer.
but i am not all knowing.
so i still wait. like always.
hoping.
believing.
enduring.
Keep up the good work Lord. You've gotten me this far.
take me all the way.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
can't stop now
I've come too far.
6 years it has been.
6 years since the beginning.
Last Thursday I went in to see my rhuematologist. she would have answers.
the week before she ran so many blood tests and that i was lethargic for the rest of the day.
well i go in...the darn blood showed nothing.
....whoever told you that "nothing" is good was lying.....nothing is bad.
but she also found on my chest x-ray that i have 4 nodules in my lungs.
as of last october i only had 2.
what are nodules?
they're like miniature tumors.
i named them...like everything else. I have Sam,Heloise, Oklahoma and Egor. Yes, some friends helped me out with those.
So, don't you worry your dear heart, I made an appointment with a critical care pulmonary doctor. yeah, I didn't really like the first part of that title either. but his real name is Dr. Lee. You can pray for him.
soon I will have a bronchoscopy done, so the nodules will be taken out and a biopsy will be done.
BIOPSY! oh what a fun word after my big fat greek wedding! maybe it's my twin?
i wouldn't be expecting that.
i may be seeming a bit naive here in this dumb blog...but don't worry. it's very real to me. because i feel it.
this is just the way I cope. some people would by crying or getting angry...i'd rather make fun of myself.
Please continue to pray for me. Pray for my doctors, Dr. Freyne, Dr. Black and Dr. Lee.
*An added praise report...well I happened to be thinking. Up north these doctors don't even exist. I tried to get in with a rhuematologist in Redding and i wouldn't have gotten an appointment until April for early May! Here, i was able to see one within the first 2 weeks of calling. So praise the Lord that I have doctors.
It is very hard being a full time student and a full time patient, but nonetheless, God is good.
I'll have more updates soon. As of right now parathyroid hormone tests are being done. Hopefully results on monday or tuesday.
Love you all, thank you for your continued prayer!
6 years it has been.
6 years since the beginning.
Last Thursday I went in to see my rhuematologist. she would have answers.
the week before she ran so many blood tests and that i was lethargic for the rest of the day.
well i go in...the darn blood showed nothing.
....whoever told you that "nothing" is good was lying.....nothing is bad.
but she also found on my chest x-ray that i have 4 nodules in my lungs.
as of last october i only had 2.
what are nodules?
they're like miniature tumors.
i named them...like everything else. I have Sam,Heloise, Oklahoma and Egor. Yes, some friends helped me out with those.
So, don't you worry your dear heart, I made an appointment with a critical care pulmonary doctor. yeah, I didn't really like the first part of that title either. but his real name is Dr. Lee. You can pray for him.
soon I will have a bronchoscopy done, so the nodules will be taken out and a biopsy will be done.
BIOPSY! oh what a fun word after my big fat greek wedding! maybe it's my twin?
i wouldn't be expecting that.
i may be seeming a bit naive here in this dumb blog...but don't worry. it's very real to me. because i feel it.
this is just the way I cope. some people would by crying or getting angry...i'd rather make fun of myself.
Please continue to pray for me. Pray for my doctors, Dr. Freyne, Dr. Black and Dr. Lee.
*An added praise report...well I happened to be thinking. Up north these doctors don't even exist. I tried to get in with a rhuematologist in Redding and i wouldn't have gotten an appointment until April for early May! Here, i was able to see one within the first 2 weeks of calling. So praise the Lord that I have doctors.
It is very hard being a full time student and a full time patient, but nonetheless, God is good.
I'll have more updates soon. As of right now parathyroid hormone tests are being done. Hopefully results on monday or tuesday.
Love you all, thank you for your continued prayer!
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
i'm 20
we had sunny D.
we had donuts.
there were many many friends.
i had to walk through a tunnel of them to get to the donuts.
gotta love them.
we had a good time.
i am undeserving of everything that everyone did for me.
but i must admit that it was amazing.
*props to Mirah for documenting.
"You have been upheld by Me from birth, I have carried you from the womb. Even to your old age, I am He, and even to your gray hairs I will carry you! I have made and I will bear; even I will carry and deliver you."
we had donuts.
there were many many friends.
i had to walk through a tunnel of them to get to the donuts.
gotta love them.
we had a good time.
i am undeserving of everything that everyone did for me.
but i must admit that it was amazing.
*props to Mirah for documenting.
"You have been upheld by Me from birth, I have carried you from the womb. Even to your old age, I am He, and even to your gray hairs I will carry you! I have made and I will bear; even I will carry and deliver you."
.all that's left.
Oh how I need you Lord
You are my only hope
You're my only prayer
So I will wait for You
To come and rescue me
Come and give me life...
This is my only prayer. I want to be where You are.
Give me hope, give me life, Lord Jesus, give me answers.
You are my only hope
You're my only prayer
So I will wait for You
To come and rescue me
Come and give me life...
This is my only prayer. I want to be where You are.
Give me hope, give me life, Lord Jesus, give me answers.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
extra credit
i wake up. put on my face. get some clothes. go to breakfast. go to chapel. coffeeshop. homework. get a call. call the doctor. call the imaging place. go to the imaging place. try to finish homework. get my blood drawn. waste time waiting in lines. forget my insurance card. you suck. go back to college. go to class. do homework. eat. don't stop.
endurance...this is what I need the most. Countless times during the day I tell myself, "Keep going, you can't give up now."
i wish i got extra credit for doing all of this health stuff added with all these classes. i'm already taking 25 credits, but with these I am swamped. I get weak, but I realize more and more that I cannot do anything on my own, or I would be in bed all day.
I am super encouraged by the people I am around all day though. bible college is like this little christian world where you eat, sleep and pray and go to class with your best friends, and it's amazing. the encouragement is more than I could ask for. They keep me going, they interceed for me and bless me immensely.
What am I learning? currently, how to deal with pain. yes, i have been living in pain for the last 5 months, but i have reached this new level and it's intimidates me and every morning I think I can't do it. But i know the Lord is having me experience this just in preparation for something in the future, right now He needs me to feel this pain. So i'm getting ready.
Usually I feel awful every morning I get out of bed, not enough sleep, still in pain, whatever....no one cares really. But this morning; i just had to write about it because it's amazing. I don't remember exactly what I dreamed about, but the Lord was there. I was in His presence and I know this because I woke up with such peace that I have never felt before. I woke up with a smile although it was hard to throw my legs off my warm bed. and then I was reminded that the Lord is always with me. Not only in my dreams, but every step I take, every meal I eat, every vile of blood that I donate to my doctors...He is there. And He brings me peace unsurpassable.
He is my endurance. and i thought this was cool.
Banquet is tonight. so i'll most likely post some pictures of girls in pretty dresses and boys with whatever they could find...love to all. thanks for the prayers, they are greatly appreciated :)
endurance...this is what I need the most. Countless times during the day I tell myself, "Keep going, you can't give up now."
i wish i got extra credit for doing all of this health stuff added with all these classes. i'm already taking 25 credits, but with these I am swamped. I get weak, but I realize more and more that I cannot do anything on my own, or I would be in bed all day.
I am super encouraged by the people I am around all day though. bible college is like this little christian world where you eat, sleep and pray and go to class with your best friends, and it's amazing. the encouragement is more than I could ask for. They keep me going, they interceed for me and bless me immensely.
What am I learning? currently, how to deal with pain. yes, i have been living in pain for the last 5 months, but i have reached this new level and it's intimidates me and every morning I think I can't do it. But i know the Lord is having me experience this just in preparation for something in the future, right now He needs me to feel this pain. So i'm getting ready.
Usually I feel awful every morning I get out of bed, not enough sleep, still in pain, whatever....no one cares really. But this morning; i just had to write about it because it's amazing. I don't remember exactly what I dreamed about, but the Lord was there. I was in His presence and I know this because I woke up with such peace that I have never felt before. I woke up with a smile although it was hard to throw my legs off my warm bed. and then I was reminded that the Lord is always with me. Not only in my dreams, but every step I take, every meal I eat, every vile of blood that I donate to my doctors...He is there. And He brings me peace unsurpassable.
He is my endurance. and i thought this was cool.
Banquet is tonight. so i'll most likely post some pictures of girls in pretty dresses and boys with whatever they could find...love to all. thanks for the prayers, they are greatly appreciated :)
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
"how do I get found?"
2 of fmy 25 credits i'm taking this semester consist of CCS...christian community service.
my CCS is going to Southwest Juvenille Hall every tuesday night.
last night was the beginning.
last night was a miracle.
I was incredible unprepared for what the Lord was going to do.
kate, elisa and I walk into Unit 4...the girls unit and after 5 minutes were sent to Unit 3, the boys unit. wow- my heart kind of dropped. I prayed the Lord would close their eyes to anything "girly" about us and that all they would see is Christ.
We all shared bits and pieces of our testimonies and the Lord spoke. Our words were nothing, the Spirit moved us by the Almighty's power. The Lord spoke and two young men were saved from eternal damnation last night! Praise the Lord? Yes, praise Him forever.
One of the boys said, " These girls said that the Lord found them...what does that mean? How do I get found? Does this mean I'm lost?"
Kevin explained this to him and He was set free from his chains of sin, Francisco accepted the Lord last night.
Shouldn't we all always be saying that...how do I get found? sometimes it's easy to feel lost. in their innocence of eternity I found how precious it is to be a babe in Christ. The need for answers. It's not always bad to be a skeptic.
We look for revivial. we look for something to keep us going. but we never look to go to the lowest places on this earth to find it.
The Lord brought our hearts to selflessness and He used us. Something for myself that I didn't think was possible.
In my situation I feel like I can't be used...ever. I am weak and powerless. But all to often I forget that it's not me that I'm living for anymore.
I live for Jesus, and in Him is my strength.
So, I really don't know who's going to be reading this. But just an update...on my life. The Lord is working mightily, and He is continually teaching me.
* Please pray for Quinten and Francisco who accepted the Lord Jesus as their Savior last night.
* Also for Jorge who was released last night at midnight, that his walk would be steady. He says he will come to campus church on sunday, pray that it happens.
* Also, for our Tuesday night team...Kevin,Ben,Jake,Kate,Elisa and I.
Monday, February 15, 2010
His Story.
what has He done for you?
this week for homework in acts class, we all had to share out testimonies with 3 different people.
i realized as i told my story that this is not mine, but it is His. all is His. my life is His, I sang that to the Lord last night as I worshipped.
this life does not any longer belong to me. I gave it up. I really, honestly, do not want it anymore.
it's awesome to hear other people's stories as well. victory stories.
stories of overcoming.
Oh, Praise the One who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead!
I want Jesus to be the only thing that moves me.
I know this story is not over yet. there are more and more chapters all the time, but the book has no conclusion and as long as we keep trucking on this path I know it will not be easy, but it will add to this story of proving God true.
There is no way you can tell me that my God is not real.
Because He has proven himself ever true in my heart and my eyes and my brain and in my bones.
this week for homework in acts class, we all had to share out testimonies with 3 different people.
i realized as i told my story that this is not mine, but it is His. all is His. my life is His, I sang that to the Lord last night as I worshipped.
this life does not any longer belong to me. I gave it up. I really, honestly, do not want it anymore.
it's awesome to hear other people's stories as well. victory stories.
stories of overcoming.
Oh, Praise the One who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead!
I want Jesus to be the only thing that moves me.
I know this story is not over yet. there are more and more chapters all the time, but the book has no conclusion and as long as we keep trucking on this path I know it will not be easy, but it will add to this story of proving God true.
There is no way you can tell me that my God is not real.
Because He has proven himself ever true in my heart and my eyes and my brain and in my bones.
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