tell me everything

i'll never be ready.

babysitting is a great way to prep for life; i have found.
i realize this more and more every day.
it seems that every time we play hide and seek when i call out at the top of my lungs "READY OR NOT HERE I COME!" some little person hiding screams back at me, "I'M NOT READY!"...yes, that's why i just told you, ready or not.
the whole point of the game is catching the stragglers.

i love chasing 2 year old lizzie down the hall when she claims it's not fair because the others are bigger and better at hiding- but i get a kick out of her grouchy little face when she sees me coming after just spinning in circles for 20 seconds while she's supposed to be hiding.

well, these doctors are screaming ready or not at me and i am desperately wanting to say i'm not ready, but i feel just a little too shy.
a little change in plans is that my treatment will not happen at st. elizabeth's in red bluff, but will go down at enloe in chico instead because my doctor in red bluff would not co-sign the order for the treatment- she thinks that this way far out and that it's gonna mess me up a lot(which it will) and that there are way too many risks and possibilities of getting lupus with the antibiotics that i will be taking orally with the IV antibiotics. she is not a fan. she also doesn't understand that i have been looking for a cure (or at least for some sort of small answer)for 6 years now!
my doctors are thinking that they don't want to see their 20 year old patient living like this, but i actually have to live this. the worries of infections in my PIC line and infections other places and having super low immunities over the next 3-6 months.
when i have a definite date from the hospital i'll post on facebook when the pic surgery will be.
right now i just feel lonely- it's been a really long summer. i feel like everyone should be coming home and things are just getting started- it's like a 7 month semester...not ok with me.

anyways, my friends susie- the one with stage 3 colon cancer, she was at church on sunday and i got to talk with her for a long time. we sat together and cried together.
i told her how funny it is to me, because of all people i have the most compassion for her as she goes through this battle, yet as i talk with the Lord, He tells me to have more compassion and that verse always comes to mind to

"Rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep"

. i thought i had what i takes to weep with susie through this time, yet it wasn't enough- the Lord said He wanted me to experience the hospitals and the PIC line that she has and the chemo as well.

our Lord is good.He has given us eachother and He will bring us through.