i would have.

A conversation with a friend reminded me today of a lot of things.
This talk reminded me of how far I have come, well not how far I have come, but how far the Lord, my God has brought me. 5 years ago I would have never guessed my life to be like this and I look at it now and I am shocked to tell you the truth. But as I was talking with a well loved friend today, this person asked me how I’ve done it. How I have conquered my demons and walked through these flames to see that I am still amidst a trial. And I told him, “I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.” King David’s words.
And this; my friends is true. I would have given up, long ago. I would have given up 5 years ago unless I had believed that the Lord’s promises are true. That he promises that there will be a day when he will personally wipe the tears from my face and where pain will only be a memory. I would have given up if I had believed that my God was lying. I am still going because I believe that although I wake up every day in pain that this God who has brought me all this way into the wilderness will be just as faithful to bring me all that way into the promised land…even if that land is heaven and not an easier life on earth.
I will wait on the Lord and be of good courage because He has promised to strengthen my heart. This is an emotional battle now, the pain has become natural, it has become a part of me, but the lump I feel rising in my throat when I think of my life is not a physical pain. It seems unfair, I see people around me every day, people who have not been good to me in the past and their lives are glorious to say the least. They have been blessed beyond measure, even after they have left the Lord for their worldly lusts and these fading treasures, they have lived dishonest lives and yet they are continually blessed. Why can’t I be blessed? Well I am. Just in different ways. The Lord told us not to covet another’s house or wife, I think the Lord meant “life” instead. He has different ways of getting people’s attention. He has captivated mine. I’ll continue to watch these people live their perfect lives and be grateful for my own, to be grateful that I am alive. That the Lord has kept me. He has allowed me to believe. That he has brought me to not doubt His goodness.
These years have been long. And I realize as march approaches that my teen years will be over, and what do I have to remember but a bunch of doctor visits and painful tests. But I am reminded of Pastor Chuck’s words about victory and that being a victor doesn’t only apply to how you win the fight, but it is how you fight during the battle. Be victorious while you fight your battles. Know that the devil wants you, but that the One that is fighting for you is the One that is holding your world. Also remember that as He holds your small world, it is very easy for Him to turn it upside-down and when He does so, remember that He knows what He is doing. Never would I think that He would hold mine this way for 5 years, but His ways are much higher than mine, so much I cannot attain it.
Jesus- I commit my life to you. I commit my diseases to you and all that is within me. My burdens are too much for me to bear on my own. You are everything, help me to stop striving to change what’s going on.

i'll be hiding.

Appparently no one knows that I am hurting.
Appparently the hurt behind my eyes didn't even occur to my parents.
Well, we fleeced it out.
My mom told me that, "Not many people can tell that you're not OK, because you always appear smiling, how should anyone know how to help you...you're happy"

What I have figured over the years is that not many people can see past a smile, but there are few on this earth that can look straight into your eyes, they can see behind your eyes, they can see the tears that are hiding. That are hiding behind a smile made of fraud and bogus feelings.
Not many people can figure me out. The smile will kill, but I am not about to go to church or the grocery store moping like an idiot. I'll fake it until I die. I'll be hiding behind these pearly whites until someone can see past them.

It all comes down to trust. who do you trust to tell your feelings to? Well, to tell the truth, I really don't trust anyone. It'll get out someday. People who are genuine, people who are sincere will figure it out for themselves without a word coming from these lips of mine. It's worked out good for the past 5 years, why not continue?
People don't care enough to use common sense.
But the Lord sees, and the Lord hears, and He knows these secret tears. and He is all that matters. everything else has passed away. I have nothing, nothing but Him...and I am fine with that.

Roscoe.

A year ago my dog died.
A week before Christmas.
I had been at the hospital all day having tests done for my heart.
Roscoe had never had a healthy heart but I knew when he died, he gave it up for me.
Even though a whole year has come and gone, there is not one day that I don't think about Roscoe. He was my best friend.

-I talk to him when I'm lonesome like; and I'm sure he understands. When he looks at me so attentively, and gently licks my hands; then he rubs his nose on my tailored clothes, but I never say naught thereat. For the good Lord knows I can buy more clothes, but never a friend like that. ~W. Dayton Wedgefarth

I love you man.

PS. The picture was taken via webcam through Skype after I had left for my first semester of Bible College.

holding onto the One who holds me.

He has lifted the lowly,
brings goodness to the poor,
My Savior's love endures.

Glory be to the Father and Son
Glory be the the Spirit three in One.
Glory be in the beginning and the end.
Glory forever. Amen.

All I am for His kingdom's cause.
I am nothing. He is everything.

Are You seeing this?

Psalm 56:8 "You number my wanderings; Put my tears in Your bottle; Are they not in Your book? When I cry out to You, my enemies will turn back, This I know; Because God is for me."

The most recent feelings have been ones of abandonment and failure. To tell you the truth I hadn't cried since I was in Italy, but the other day I did, I let it all out, I couldn't contain my disgust with myself.
I feel as though I have let myself down as I have let down the rest of the world. Anyone who has expected anything from me will be disappointed. I felt as though Christ was immensely disappointed in me as well. I knew for once that He was the only one who could love me because I am not very lovable in this state of confusion and chaos.
Once again I felt as if I was not heard, so I stopped talking. So I thank you all who have been interceding on my behalf.
I have been caught up in the Psalms and it seems like David is a lot like me, he says how wonderful God is and all His greatness is in one chapter and then it goes to the next where David is begging to be delivered from his enemies and asking fervently for God to hear him. Bu though all of this, he knows that God catches every tear that falls from his face.
If God keeps these salty little capsules of emotions, they must mean something to Him. It's hard to imagine that He cares to keep them in His bottle, that He cares to know my pain.
Yesterday I was faced with yet another burden I had to take on. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. Yeah, weird word, weird disease. There's actually no way of testing for it besides seeing where you are most sensitive. My doctor tested me by pushing on spots on my body, all were very painful. She said all were positive for this disease.
My dad has this disease, he's lived with it for a long while now, but he never had it when he was as young as I am. He still does things as much as he can handle, but life is somewhat tougher. There is no cure for Fibromyalgia, you just have to live with it. Putting another disease on my list is not my idea of "an answer"...it's just making me more and more sick. This changed my outlook a lot.
For the past week I have been very depressed. I had never really understood depression before, but in this last week I have felt it like an ocean swallowing me up. I have had no joy in anything. All has seemed to be lost. I wonder how anyone will ever love me in this condition...like Lenny Kensington. If I were a guy, Jordyn Wagner would be the last person I would want to be with. Maybe I'm selfish, but I think I'd want to have fun. Well I can be fun, but my diseases definitely debilitate me. I know I will never have kids of my own. I won't be able to get pregnant someday, I won't and wouldn't want to...I wouldn't want to impose my condition on my child. These are just wants, but it still makes me feel weird.
So I ask God if He's seeing all of this.

"Hey You up there on Your high pedestal...can you see down here! Do you see this chaos that is running my life! Do you see that I'm not normal, that I am a drag to be around, that my dreams have been crushed by these darn diseases! Hey You- listen to me!"

I don't know if everyone screams at God. But it's something I have done a lot of recently. I know He hears me...secretly I believe it. Secretly I believe that He does love me, because He's not the average man, He died for me.
This love consumes me, but it makes me wonder what I'll be doing in my next few years, in the next 10 years. Where will I be?
I wanted to be a doctor. Not for the paycheck, or for the degree, but to sincerely help people. From there I wanted to go to Africa and Eastern Europe to those orphanages who have no medical attention. Right now, this seems like it will never happen. Right now all my dreams have crumbled to the floor.
But life goes on. Today I'm gonna go watch beautiful 7 year old Samantha play Christmas music on the piano at the Hallmark store. I'm going to put up the Christmas tree and wash the dishes and iron some clothes and look at myself in the mirror and convince myself that I am still alive, and that I am for a reason, although I cannot see why.
Are you seeing this?
My side of the story.
For all of you who have been praying for me and convincing me not to give up I thank you millions. Thank you Jenni for helping me at my lowest. Thank you Erin for your words of love that mean more than anything else. Thank you Stevie for praying with me. Thank you Mirah for being here for me consistently and loving all my flaws. Thank you to so many other people who just mean the world to me, if you're reading this, you are one of the those people.
Oh, and as of late, I was at the hospital today getting blood work done. Testing for sickel cell anemia, rhumatoid problems and bone cancer.
Secretly I want someone to hold my hand constantly.(Isaiah 41:13)

For all of you that I thought I was strong, and to myself included; I am not.
It's a good thing to remember, because somehow when we are weak, God is strong...for us. Like super strong, maybe stronger than He usually is, because He makes up for all we lack. That's all for now. I'll be back soon.