tell me everything

i'll never be ready.

babysitting is a great way to prep for life; i have found.
i realize this more and more every day.
it seems that every time we play hide and seek when i call out at the top of my lungs "READY OR NOT HERE I COME!" some little person hiding screams back at me, "I'M NOT READY!"...yes, that's why i just told you, ready or not.
the whole point of the game is catching the stragglers.

i love chasing 2 year old lizzie down the hall when she claims it's not fair because the others are bigger and better at hiding- but i get a kick out of her grouchy little face when she sees me coming after just spinning in circles for 20 seconds while she's supposed to be hiding.

well, these doctors are screaming ready or not at me and i am desperately wanting to say i'm not ready, but i feel just a little too shy.
a little change in plans is that my treatment will not happen at st. elizabeth's in red bluff, but will go down at enloe in chico instead because my doctor in red bluff would not co-sign the order for the treatment- she thinks that this way far out and that it's gonna mess me up a lot(which it will) and that there are way too many risks and possibilities of getting lupus with the antibiotics that i will be taking orally with the IV antibiotics. she is not a fan. she also doesn't understand that i have been looking for a cure (or at least for some sort of small answer)for 6 years now!
my doctors are thinking that they don't want to see their 20 year old patient living like this, but i actually have to live this. the worries of infections in my PIC line and infections other places and having super low immunities over the next 3-6 months.
when i have a definite date from the hospital i'll post on facebook when the pic surgery will be.
right now i just feel lonely- it's been a really long summer. i feel like everyone should be coming home and things are just getting started- it's like a 7 month semester...not ok with me.

anyways, my friends susie- the one with stage 3 colon cancer, she was at church on sunday and i got to talk with her for a long time. we sat together and cried together.
i told her how funny it is to me, because of all people i have the most compassion for her as she goes through this battle, yet as i talk with the Lord, He tells me to have more compassion and that verse always comes to mind to

"Rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep"

. i thought i had what i takes to weep with susie through this time, yet it wasn't enough- the Lord said He wanted me to experience the hospitals and the PIC line that she has and the chemo as well.

our Lord is good.He has given us eachother and He will bring us through.

now or later? probs now and later.

upping the date.

saw dr. johnson.
this is the new lymes doctor. no, not lemons,lymes, get it right people.

wednesday, the 1st of september i am penciled in at st. elizabeth's in red bluff to have my PIC line (permanent Iv) put in and my first treatment of Rosephin done.
treatment will be done for about 3-6 months.
don't you worry, i'll have pictures up and videos too:) this is gonna be fun, i'm gonna make it good, because i have to thrive on this.
all this still confuses me, i will learn as i go.
all i really know right now is that i am going to be really sick.
sweet beans...yeah not really.

but psalm 41 says that He will strengthen me on my sickbed.

this will most likely go on forever, i know at some point i will relapse and i will never live a completely normal life, but gosh darn- i will try.

i'll give until i have nothing left.

what are my feelings on this?
tears.

i'll be looking at the moon but i'll be seeing you

my poudest moment...

i fought...
and i fought...
and then i twisted and i turned...

and i finally got the steering wheel cover on the dang steering wheel!

praise the Good Lord:)

it took a good 10 minutes and then i took about 10 more minutes just to stare at it.

it was a must have when the 112 degrees beats down on it all day and then i can't touch it when i need to, this will save many fingers.

just had to share.
and it also made me laugh, God has a sense of humor.

one day.

those who sow in tears shall reap in joy. he who continually goes forth in weeping, bearing seed for sowing, shall doubtless come again with rejoicing bringing sheaves with him. Psalm 126:5-6

if God's word is a promise, then i'll count it as good.

this week has been a weep-a-thon.
this heart wants murrieta.
this heart wants my siblings back.

ok- i just want to be where You are...i'm tired of lying to everyone, i'm not ok at all.

end of story.

goal: to learn Philippians 4:11

with all the missing pieces.

i put you in my locket yesterday.

i will wear you there until you come home.

next to my heart forever.

just for everyone reading, there is nothing more beautiful than my sister.

when life gives you lymes, make lymeade?

for some reason after coming home from a week long exstravaganza in washington i didn't expect to pick up the phone and see 20 messages.
i listened, when it got to my doctor my heart dropped a little bit- well maybe a lot bit. all week i had been praying for the Lord to be preparing my heart for whatever He had in store for me. Lymes Disease was the last thing i wanted. after learning more and more in the past month and i have become more turned off to it, but i will write more on this towards the end.

i called back and the nurse gave me the long awaited results as my dad sat in the the chair next to me staring at me...uncomfortable, i would look back at him.
she explained that from what the "blood people" could see they could not see a positive result or a negative, but it was definitely more positive based upon my symptoms and the other blood tests they had performed.

so from here i will be seeing a doctor soon and he will be following my treatment for this cruel disease that never leaves you. over the next 12 weeks i believe i will be going through a very rough and intense IV course that is likened to chemotherapy which is trying to kill these particular cells that have taken over my body. what this therapy can possibly do is put my body into remission so that i can temporarily go back to normal...and this is what we all hope for.

i hope for this. most of all i hope for heaven. this summer has been a tough one, it's been long and life changing, it's been lonely, but it has prepared me for this...for something more. Just like the Lord answers Jeremiah in 12:5

"If you have run with the footmen, and they have wearied you, then how can you contend with the horses? and if in the land of peace, in which you trusted, the wearied you, then how will you do in the floodplain of the Jordan?"

so now i'll run with the horses and He will give me strength.
and together we'll make some freaking lymeade out of this situation:)

there have been a lot of tears over this and no doubt there will be more to come.

#1 prayer request: more than anything in the world right now i want to be at bible college and it kills that i am at home sick, by myself none the less- so please pray for contentment.
#2. that i would be dilligent with my online classes.
#3. i have an appointment with my doc on thursday. (Dr. Holscher)
#4. pray that i would continue to absolutely surrender everything to the Lord,hopes, dreams and all- more is required now with this diagnosis.

thank you all- this life is relentless-but our God is so big

Please also pray for:

Susie: Stage 3 colon cancer, started chemo last week, 3 young kids.
Owen: Leukemia, 6 years old, going through chemo.
Brynn: Battling many different health problems, 5 months pregnant
Jenna: Redemption and healing

warshington.

God's been good to me.

in whatever state i am in i am learn(ing) to be content.

might i add this is not coming easy.

my week in this beautiful state was amazing- the pain did not cease but the berry picking and the meteor showers and the friends and family and and fairs and farmers markets and laughs and agate hunts made things better.

i am undeserving and my heart was on a thousand different levels of thinking this week.

i threw stanford out the window of my car going past mt. shasta and never felt better.

this heart of mine was never meant to be alone- this week i was filled with people all around me and was teased. today my brother left for college, and in a couple weeks erica will leave the country for spain- i know it seems far-fetched but it makes me feel alone...but the Lord is my help and I am never alone, He has set His angels dancing amongst us:)

absolute surrender means letting go.

for so long now I've had these clenched fists, holding onto whatever I can because I barely hold anything.
a new discovery: i hold nothing.

i am a little girl, just weeping, with no strength left- i look around and there is nothing that i can cling to, but there is my Father who is greater than the ocean of all my tears who picks me up and holds me in His comforting arms.

when everything falls apart He is everything- He is everything because I stand emptyhanded, I have no money, no job, no vehicle,no lover, nothing material that I can claim- yet He claims me.
He is my only hope. so as long as he holds on to me, I know i will be ok. and will he ever let go?

yeah , that's rhetorical.
i was just reminded of my Savior's love for me over the past few days as I have been mulling over my circumstances. This love conquers everything, it covers all the hurt I've ever experienced and clothes me with joy.
This next week is VBS at my church and then on Thursday I will travel up to Portland with a couple of my roomies from Italy to a wedding and then on Sunday I will head up to Guemes Island with my fam and the Phelps, a little island practically in Canada in the San Juans just for a getaway for about a week- I'm pretty stoked to see the beautiful Esther Perry and Stever-muffin too:)

God is good.