. a season. a purpose.

Ecclesiastes 3.

To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven.

Today is a time to heal.
today is a time to break down.
Today is a time to weep.
A time to refrain from embracing.
A time to lose.
A time to keep silent
And a time to love.

There is much more to this passage. But those season or times have not yet occurred.

This heart is open and bleeding. I've found that I suck at love. Love is not my forte. But the people that I love, I love them with everything that I am. I love them with everything that I have. I'd give up my life for their sakes. And I'm not just saying this. I mean this. I love you Tass!

He hasn't left us or forsaken us and won't this time either.

And it was written...on December 20th 2008.

Remembrance.

I found this little artifact while cleaning out my folders, it brought back a lot of reminders of what I was facing a year ago. so here it is.

"So what have I been learning lately?

That my life is not my own. I was reading past entries “pain has a conclusion and love has a foundation”.

Roscoe, my lover; died last Thursday. These material things are fading. It was so hard to lose him. Endless memories with that dog. He’s been with me through everything, when everyone else abandoned me; Roscoe was my boyfriend. There were countless days that I spent stressed, lying on the kitchen floor with him singing to him that only he was the boy for me, no other boy could take his place. How could I ever forget him when he’s every password I’ve ever had? Seriously. Brain pain. This makes my heart hurt 10 times worse. Mom told me that He gave his heart for me…so that I could be healthy. And I know he would. On Thursday he did, I will get better, I will for him.

Physical pain…well I’ve been going through a lot of testing, had my CT angiogram yesterday. Hoping for good news. I want to go back to school in February. This has been a rough few months. I like the fact that the physical pain takes away some of the mental pain. I guess that’s why some people cut themselves. Cutting isn’t for me, although my arms are very scarred from the needles.

“Give me Jesus, you can have all this world, but give me Jesus”

Spiritual pain. I feel undeserving and unworthy of what the Lord has for me. I have a feeling I’ll be better soon, this season is nearing an end. Particular people remind me of what the Lord has for me, well, what he’s guaranteed all of us. But what He could do with a life like mine. I wouldn’t think much, but He has a bigger plan.
If you know me, you know I’m a planner. I think I’ve had a day-planner since I was 5 or so , I’d use my mom’s old ones and make them new with my sloppy handwriting and Lisa Frank stickers. I’ve always been planning and keeping track of everything. I used to have a graphing notebook and would check a check in every box for every hour I would spend with my best friend when I was little. I was reminded of a song the other day “For I am not my own, you’ve bought me with your blood”. I make plans. They never work out. He makes plans, they always come to fruition. I want to give Him everything. I want to be in love with the One who has redeemed me. I felt in love for a while…and then it just faded away. I want Him to be the only thing on my mind. I want what He wants for me, and what He wants is pretty much NEVER what I want. I wanted to go study in Spain next semester; I decided to go against what I wanted. I sent in my application to Murrieta last week.
Do you see Jesus when you look at me? I hope He sees something in me. Something worth saving."

. the sol gives me soul.

the sun came out today.
life just automatically got 10 times better.
PRAISE 'IM!

.additions.

this goes with the previous blog entry.
good words, reminders from Pastor Chuck.

"Now, God has a whole new body for us, far superior to the present body in which we live. The present body in which we live is compared to a tent; a temporary place to dwell, contrasted with the building of God, not made with hands, that is eternal in the heavens. The present body in which we live has marvelous features, but yet it also has features that aren't so marvelous. The present body in which we live has an aging process that takes its toll, so that we grow old. And as we grow old, the capacities of the body diminish. And we are not always able to do all of the things that we want to do or would like to do. And sometimes we foolishly get out and try to do some of those things that we used to do, and find that age has taken its toll upon the body. The body deteriorates; the body is subject to sickness, to disease, to weaknesses.

Now, God has a new body for me. It's far superior to this body, in that it will not need sleep for recuperation. Thus, if I had a mansion in heaven, I wouldn't need a bedroom in it. Because the body won't need that period of recuperating its strength. You probably wouldn't need a kitchen, because the body will probably be nourished by other types of foods that the body will use completely...so I probably won't need a bathroom."

.Jehovah Rapha.

I long for this thing called healing.

Exodus 16:26- "For I am the Lord who heals you."

If the Lord chooses not to heal me, I need to be ok with that.

Right now I am not. I feel like it is my right to be well.

I know the Lord desires to heal most people.

But Paul He did not heal.



And Elijah (James 5:16-18) prayed for 3 1/2 years and nothing happened. Then prayer was answered.


I feel like I am decomposing at too early an age.

But the Lord is writing a story.


Whether or not He heals me, He is still Jehovah Rapha.

losing it. lost it.

I can't really explain the way I feel right now.
this morning I was actually looking for a Psalm that could explain the way I feel, but I couldn't.
So, since before I came to Italy, my heart was in Calabria ( my mom's realtives used to live there and some still do). So, one of the first days of school Pastor Brian says "There's gonna be a mission trip to Calabria!" I wanted to cry! I was so ecstatic, such answered prayer, I called my mom immediately and told her.
Today I go to morning devos to see the the Calabria trip is full. AKA- no room for Jordyn.
bummmmmmmmmmer.
yeah, so now I am sitting in this damp, cold basement, with absolutely no motivation to do anything. I try to pray and the words don't come.
Satan is getting a dang foothold in my life and I hate it.he is attacking me-like hardcore.
and it's rainy and cold. I wore my peacoat and scarves this morning. 50 degrees in September- I've never known this.
This is a really melancholy blog I guess, Italy is still wonderful and the people as well.
I communicated yesterday for the first time! YAY! I went to the paper store and asked for 7 postcards and 7 stamps and recieved them and we communicated. it felt good.
so, if you think about me, please pray for me. pray for the tears to go away and for the heart to be restored and for the Lord to give me words to speak to Him, for praises to come from my mouth. I want to be His servant. I just feel empty.
Lord, REVIVE ME!

que che?

so...
today was the 5th time in italy that i've gotten lost.
i went down the street looking for a stop light that was never found.
luckily I was with a roomie. we almost got killed by crossing the freeway offramp and running through construction zones...why?
because I wanted to go to a thrift store!
by the way- all construction guys here do not wear shirts and they wear shorts( even when laying asphalt)...very strange I thought it was.
anyways, but the Lord is moving here. 4 hour prayer last night with the girls was bomb.
continue to pray for me to learn Jesus and also to learn the culture.
when we left at noon- we were a hazard walking through the streets, an hour later everyone disappeared, the ladies on their porches;sweeping were gone. the construction guys minus their shirts were gone. the barking dogs were gone and the stores began to close.
it finally made sense...siesta.
God bless Italy!

.hedge me in.

Hosea.
Minor prophets class.
Tore me up in the first hour and a half I sat in this little Italian church in the middle of a field in a warehouse.
We talked about Gomer, Hosea's postitute that God called him to marry.
They go through what havoc she wreaks on his life and then chapter 2 goes on to say that he's tired of it and that he's going to hedge her in so that she cannot get out. these hedges I learned, were tall, like real tall and they had thorns and there was no way anything could get in and there was no way she could get out. she would be completely surrounded and given everything she needed.
As we talked, I felt this feeling of betrayal.
I felt as if God had taken away my hedge.
Then we talked about Job, the first chapter where God and Satan have this conversation of sorts about Job and his righteousness. Satan asks God if the hedge God has put around Job may be removed. God allows it.
And we all know what transpired in the life of Job after this occurance.
Why would God allow a hedge to be taken away from one of His children?
But I realized as I thought like a little owl in my seat that the whole time I was exposed to the world and harm and medical problems galore I was protected the whole time because God never left me and He never had forsaken me.
He hasn't and He won't.
This past week has been difficult, coming to a place where I know nothing, I know no one and I do not speak a word of the language to top everything off.
I sat on the train a few days back on my way to Venice and said, "It's just you and me Lord, just You and me."
And so it is. Just me and Him.
This time I'm gonna get to know Him, he knows me, He's known forever, I want to learn of Him.
So, continue praying for me in Montebelluna.
The Lord is working here for sure, I wish I could tell of all the stories here but no one would ever read the whole thing.
And please pray for the Italian people, as they are lost in cathedrals and confession booths.