say what you will.

i am not afraid of offending people.
read away.
if you are scared of my pain. if you are moved by this situation then that's your problem. i will not stop blogging. this is my way of releasing my emotional pain. the Lord hears and He heals the majority of it, but this is how I get rid of the rest of it.

there is nothing in the world i want right now more than Jesus Christ.
I want to be with Him, eternally.
If that scares you, then stop reading.
you don't have to read this.
but this is my reality.
we can't sweep this under the rug forever and pretend that this could be an infection and that antibiotics could help...as nice as that sounds.
for most people, this is not a problem.
my life is not normal. this may sound selfish.
but responsibility sort of asks me to be self absorbed sometimes.

this is being written because i've heard some things. and i don't want you all to be upset and all.
i love you all. and i know you love me too. and that's why you're reading. and that's why you're afraid. but you don't have to.

The book of Hosea teaches us that in affliction is when we learn to earnestly seek our Maker(5:15). He surely is teaching me. I pray that He teaches you as well, it hurts, you will not enjoy this chastening, but prepare my dear friend for the battle that will come. and if this battle does not come, i pray for your faith that it will increase, because the Lord scourges whom He loves. If you are not going through battles examine where you are with Christ.
I pray He gives you patience, and character and with this that He brings you hope.

with all I have left,

Jordyn

.el cielo.

confusion has filled my mind.
what do i live for?

last night i went there.
it was beautiful.
it was golden.
there were cornfields.
there were houses not built by human hands.
there was worship.
it was filled with the glory of God.
last night in my dreaming I saw a glimpse of heaven.
and i knew it was because Jesus whispered in my ear...
"This is your home...you'll be here"

i wanted to stay.
but i am still here in this madly hurting world, still blogging, until i go home.
the Lord is good to me.
please pray for answers on tuesday :)

all my love from the CCBC Library,
Jordyn

ahe, oh, pee, eee

i am learning to hope.

this is tough.
this battle is raging on.
it is most definitely not waiting for me.
i used to say bring it on.
now i say slow it down.i am weary.
Lamentations 3 lifted me up.
read it guys.
22 Through the LORD’s mercies we are not consumed,
Because His compassions fail not.
23 They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.
24 “ The LORD is my portion,” says my soul,

“ Therefore I hope in Him!”
25 The LORD is good to those who wait for Him,
To the soul who seeks Him.
26 It is good that one should hope and wait quietly
For the salvation of the LORD.

please feel free to encourage me. I want to go home. no, not red bluff, not selah, i want my heaven home. i want to worship Jesus forever. this is my one desire. but i know that while i am here, i need not to want what i cannot have, as of right now i am not dying( or no one has told me yet)...so i must press on. it hurts so bad.
my heart is torn as i wait. so i'll wait silently for the Lord to answer my cry. because i know that He hears me; because i still believe that He is good.

A knife in my hip.
needles in my shoulders.
nails driven into my arms.
legs broken in two.
feet torn from the sockets.
ribs crushed and shattered.
this is what i feel
blessed me the name of my ever living God who was and is and is to come!


* and as an update, today i have an chest CT scan to characterize the nodules and see if they are growing. I am being tested for Wegener's Disease (feel free to look it up) and bone and lung cancer. After this CT scan and the nodules are characterized a bronchoscopy will be done to remove the tumors and test for cancers.

the best so far.

thee most sisterly picture of the semester : Coffee Shop
thee smelliest hot springs with Jayden, Samantha and my Lizzie.
thee cutest little prego lady ever...my Jenna at Oceanside
thee best family photo: Venice Beach
thee best boys ever: Banquet march 3rd
thee best kitchen with Erin : Venice Beach
pictures that somewhat describe my life. PTL!

we just might be getting somewhere.

i call my doctors.
usually everyday.
i have 2 appointments monday and one on tuesday.
they have my test results for my parathyroid.
i talked to my neurologist.
soon things will change.
i am ready.
i have 2 critical care pulmonologists.
my rheumatologist is currently leading me in the right direction.
still i pray mostly for contentment.
so badly i want an answer, sometimes i think i need an answer.
but i am not all knowing.
so i still wait. like always.
hoping.
believing.
enduring.
Keep up the good work Lord. You've gotten me this far.
take me all the way.

can't stop now

I've come too far.
6 years it has been.
6 years since the beginning.
Last Thursday I went in to see my rhuematologist. she would have answers.
the week before she ran so many blood tests and that i was lethargic for the rest of the day.
well i go in...the darn blood showed nothing.
....whoever told you that "nothing" is good was lying.....nothing is bad.
but she also found on my chest x-ray that i have 4 nodules in my lungs.
as of last october i only had 2.
what are nodules?
they're like miniature tumors.
i named them...like everything else. I have Sam,Heloise, Oklahoma and Egor. Yes, some friends helped me out with those.
So, don't you worry your dear heart, I made an appointment with a critical care pulmonary doctor. yeah, I didn't really like the first part of that title either. but his real name is Dr. Lee. You can pray for him.
soon I will have a bronchoscopy done, so the nodules will be taken out and a biopsy will be done.
BIOPSY! oh what a fun word after my big fat greek wedding! maybe it's my twin?
i wouldn't be expecting that.
i may be seeming a bit naive here in this dumb blog...but don't worry. it's very real to me. because i feel it.
this is just the way I cope. some people would by crying or getting angry...i'd rather make fun of myself.
Please continue to pray for me. Pray for my doctors, Dr. Freyne, Dr. Black and Dr. Lee.
*An added praise report...well I happened to be thinking. Up north these doctors don't even exist. I tried to get in with a rhuematologist in Redding and i wouldn't have gotten an appointment until April for early May! Here, i was able to see one within the first 2 weeks of calling. So praise the Lord that I have doctors.
It is very hard being a full time student and a full time patient, but nonetheless, God is good.

I'll have more updates soon. As of right now parathyroid hormone tests are being done. Hopefully results on monday or tuesday.

Love you all, thank you for your continued prayer!

i'm 20

we had sunny D.
we had donuts.
there were many many friends.
i had to walk through a tunnel of them to get to the donuts.
gotta love them.





we had a good time.
i am undeserving of everything that everyone did for me.
but i must admit that it was amazing.

*props to Mirah for documenting.

"You have been upheld by Me from birth, I have carried you from the womb. Even to your old age, I am He, and even to your gray hairs I will carry you! I have made and I will bear; even I will carry and deliver you."

.all that's left.

Oh how I need you Lord
You are my only hope
You're my only prayer
So I will wait for You
To come and rescue me
Come and give me life...

This is my only prayer. I want to be where You are.

Give me hope, give me life, Lord Jesus, give me answers.

extra credit

i wake up. put on my face. get some clothes. go to breakfast. go to chapel. coffeeshop. homework. get a call. call the doctor. call the imaging place. go to the imaging place. try to finish homework. get my blood drawn. waste time waiting in lines. forget my insurance card. you suck. go back to college. go to class. do homework. eat. don't stop.

endurance...this is what I need the most. Countless times during the day I tell myself, "Keep going, you can't give up now."

i wish i got extra credit for doing all of this health stuff added with all these classes. i'm already taking 25 credits, but with these I am swamped. I get weak, but I realize more and more that I cannot do anything on my own, or I would be in bed all day.

I am super encouraged by the people I am around all day though. bible college is like this little christian world where you eat, sleep and pray and go to class with your best friends, and it's amazing. the encouragement is more than I could ask for. They keep me going, they interceed for me and bless me immensely.

What am I learning? currently, how to deal with pain. yes, i have been living in pain for the last 5 months, but i have reached this new level and it's intimidates me and every morning I think I can't do it. But i know the Lord is having me experience this just in preparation for something in the future, right now He needs me to feel this pain. So i'm getting ready.

Usually I feel awful every morning I get out of bed, not enough sleep, still in pain, whatever....no one cares really. But this morning; i just had to write about it because it's amazing. I don't remember exactly what I dreamed about, but the Lord was there. I was in His presence and I know this because I woke up with such peace that I have never felt before. I woke up with a smile although it was hard to throw my legs off my warm bed. and then I was reminded that the Lord is always with me. Not only in my dreams, but every step I take, every meal I eat, every vile of blood that I donate to my doctors...He is there. And He brings me peace unsurpassable.

He is my endurance. and i thought this was cool.

Banquet is tonight. so i'll most likely post some pictures of girls in pretty dresses and boys with whatever they could find...love to all. thanks for the prayers, they are greatly appreciated :)