"Life isn't fair, Jordyn..."

the title of this blog is a line I got from my mom almost every day of my childhood. might i add that I was the middle, non-talented one in the family. well this is actually about contentment and the striving for it. chasing for what's not there. and craving what is not true. last night i was overcome with anger. well, i lashed out in anger when my heart was really just breaking for the unhappiness we have as humans. but as christians, I just think some things should be a little different. tell me if you agree.
yes, we are all guilty of this.
we have everything we need, we are spoiled rotten. we get good beds to sleep in, a roof over our heads and relatively good food to eat, nice people in our lives who love us and yet EVERYTHING IS WRONG WITH MYYYYYYY LIFE!!!!!
ummm no. nothing is wrong with life. your attitude is wrong.
i've lived with this attitude for a long time, but i am so incredibly happy to say that the Lord has changed my heart in this way( He is still working on other parts).
i won't bring up the exact situation that I was angry about.
but after hearing a certain conversation, my heart was tearing, I got literally hot laying in bed trying to fall asleep, i couldn't breathe. i got up pacing around my dorm, then put on some clothes and left, I could not stand the environment any longer!
I walked around the lake with the Lord a few times asking why I felt the way I did. I didn't want to be hating, but I was more than upset. I've asked Him so many times to break my heart for what breaks His. I asked Him if this was breaking His heart...i hoped so, so that my wannabe rage wasn't in vain. I kept my cool while talking to God. then my sister called, so I walked around the lake a few more times and started kicking trees, rocks and ducks(not really the ducks...wanted to though).
understanding how people can be so bitter toward life and what the Lord has given them overwhelms my soul and to tell the truth...makes me want to throw up.
I did want to throw my glass bottle of lotion at this person's head, just so when this person woke back up, that they wouldn't remember the awful things that just came out of his/her mouth.
contentment is not something that comes easy to anyone.
in every situation, there will always be something "wrong".
the Lord puts these"wrong" things into our lives for a reason.
why are we not grateful?
I think I am running out of words...why? I have so much on my mind, but I cannot elaborate on this any longer.
simply put, I am done with this discontentment and will not tolerate it anymore because it causes me to stumble.
Lord, make me stronger and please, please, please give me Your patience. I love You Lord, thank you for the complacency You have brought into my life. Be my sustenance , and also to my peers . AMEN!

Chords that were broken will vibrate once more.

I am back at CCBC- the love of my life.
the joy i have felt in these past few days is incredible. i can't help but remember where I was last semester and where I am now.
to say that God is good, is not quite enough.
I have asked so many times that God be magnified in my life.
where other people may not see this magnification, I can see it clearly.
I want to jump up and down and run up and down the stairs(just because I can).
I want to run into HIS arms and kiss HIS face and thank Him.
blessing the Lord in the good times or the bad times are not easy.
when i'm in pain, i don't want God, because simply put in my human mind, He has messed everything up. and when life is good, I have no time for God because I am well and why should I spend time with Him when I could be enjoying my life.
This time around I am trying harder to praise His name always.
not just to say that I am in love, but to act it out.
Lord, give me perseverance.

.these walls.

all too familiar.
i came home for spring break.
my bags rested on the floor as i could feel all the emotion coming back to me that i felt in the 4 dreadful months that i laid in that red bed.
i remember all the shapes i found in the walls...little faces and scenes from lying there so long...waiting for my heart to function properly. all at once i can feel the chest pain again, i can see the hospital bracelets, hear my doctor's voice, feel the lonliness.
i run my fingers over these pictures. pictures from 10+ years ago. no recent pictures. i have been too afraid of losing. these things i love are the things that bring crazy feelings to my numb heart. thank you Jesus that i am no longer in that bed and that i have more to look forward to than another hospital visit. this all just feels wrong, memories of coming back from school before the semester ended...i can remember almost every minute, everything that happened in those last few days i was at school in october and the trip home.
the way things could have been make me wonder.
the way things are makes my heart glad.