.these walls.

all too familiar.
i came home for spring break.
my bags rested on the floor as i could feel all the emotion coming back to me that i felt in the 4 dreadful months that i laid in that red bed.
i remember all the shapes i found in the walls...little faces and scenes from lying there so long...waiting for my heart to function properly. all at once i can feel the chest pain again, i can see the hospital bracelets, hear my doctor's voice, feel the lonliness.
i run my fingers over these pictures. pictures from 10+ years ago. no recent pictures. i have been too afraid of losing. these things i love are the things that bring crazy feelings to my numb heart. thank you Jesus that i am no longer in that bed and that i have more to look forward to than another hospital visit. this all just feels wrong, memories of coming back from school before the semester ended...i can remember almost every minute, everything that happened in those last few days i was at school in october and the trip home.
the way things could have been make me wonder.
the way things are makes my heart glad.