I need YOU to hear me tonight...please

I don’t want them to see me this way.
I am better than this, I just know it.
Lord, am I worth it?
To have a life? I gave it up Jesus, I swear I did! I gave it up so that I could find something better? And this is what you give me?!
I am damaged, broken, leaking, weak and waiting Jesus, waiting for a darn miracle.
I need You to pick me up, because I’ve fallen.
That cliff is so close and it scares me.
I know there’s a rope there, because I’ve been there before.
I don’t want to go that far, I don’t want to get as far as the rope.
You always give me the choice to hold on or to fall.
This place is slanted, where I am.
No one is here, but I know you are, because You had been before, when I first found You
I just need to see you right now. I need to know that you’re here.
I need to know that this battle can be fought by you.
I remember that place where I was standing, It wasn’t too far over there.
If You know this feeling, then why won’t You help?
If You can be everything that I need, then do it. Because I need. I need a lot. I need life.
Or if it’s not life that I need, then take me Jesus.
Take me home, Lord, I can’t go down like this.
I want this story you’ve given me to bring You glory, but I don’t know how much longer it will.
Never giving me more than I can handle, huh?
Well, this is a bit much.
Did you wake up crying?
Did you hate because there was no answer?
Did you build walls because it was easiest?
Did you forget how to love, because of how much it hurt?
I’m sorry I’m doubting you, I really am, because I love you. But this hurt goes further than the obvious. This hurt goes into my soul. I hurt because I cannot serve you when I am like this.
This proves my love/hate relationship. Know that I really do love You.
I need Your love to pull me up, Please.
Just another cry out for consistency.
I know You hear me, don’t be silent to my tears.
Amen.

.life.

Happy 1st Birthday Mr. David Jeremiah!


My heart missed you. Last year and this year again. Forever I'll be praying for you my little man. Bless you for the love you give without realizing it.

premature

this is purely just to spill.
I think I’ll just cry until I can’t feel anymore.
I sat in the car looking out the windows at the most beautiful hills in the world- with the green and red and brown and yellow trees.
We came to the restaurant where all my Italian friends were.
We ate a table made for a king and all his court.
And we drove back and my heart broke.
I stared at my packed bags. My prematurely packed bags.
This is not December. Now is when I ask God why these things happen.
tomorrow i will be on a plane- a plane in venice, a plane in frankfurt,a plane in denver, a plane to sacramento and then the roadtrip back home to my red room.
I know home will be fine, I’ll see my doctors and eventually I will be better.
But tonight- I’m not understanding at all, not understanding why He allowed me to stay long enough to learn to love and took me away soon enough so that I would break for these new brothers and sisters that I love.by the way...one year ago today I headed home from bible college in Murrieta to have heart surgery. Going in circles? I think so. This is my wilderness. Literally. My lungs hurt and I cannot get enough oxygen- this makes everything even harder…dangit.

this is my life guys- be jealous.

by the way- i'm not bitter, just hurting.

just things...and a love story.

1. my ring keeps turning upside-down.
2.my lips are chapped.
3. i wrote 2 papers today.
4. the sun is out but it is absolutely freezing.
5. risotto is way better than rice.
6. i prefer big groups of people.
7. Giovanni is my adopted Italian dog and I love him with my whole heart.
8. God is teaching me...big things.

He's teaching me to shut up. If God was as mean as me, He'd say it..."Jordyn- shut your trap you dummy!".
But instead, He speaks silently, through prayer. I talk to Him and then I listen and then He speaks. And He quiets me with His love and He rejoices over me with singing.
This thing started out as something bad- I was all alone.
But closet communion ain't so bad. We like to hang, me and Him.I walk with Him. We talk often. I have a lot to say. He probably has more, but I don't give Him the time of day.
Yet He's been good to me. Wherever He brings me, whatever the situation, He never leaves me and I always know it, even though I pretend I don't.
"I don't have anyone here!!!.....waaaah waaahh waaah" -Jordyn

Not true. He is here. With me.He kisses the tears off my face. And He holds me.He holds my cold hands. And pets my face until I fall asleep. And I love Him. He has become everything that I need.
Jesus is my boyfriend. No one else would treat me like this. And we cannot understand this fact until we have absolutely nothing left unfortunately. He took away everything I knew and gave me Himself. It took a while, but I found Him. He was here the whole time, the tears had just made my vision kinda blurry.
This heart is weak, But He is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Blessed be His name!

* You all were right, I did fall in love when I was in Italy.