i would have.

A conversation with a friend reminded me today of a lot of things.
This talk reminded me of how far I have come, well not how far I have come, but how far the Lord, my God has brought me. 5 years ago I would have never guessed my life to be like this and I look at it now and I am shocked to tell you the truth. But as I was talking with a well loved friend today, this person asked me how I’ve done it. How I have conquered my demons and walked through these flames to see that I am still amidst a trial. And I told him, “I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.” King David’s words.
And this; my friends is true. I would have given up, long ago. I would have given up 5 years ago unless I had believed that the Lord’s promises are true. That he promises that there will be a day when he will personally wipe the tears from my face and where pain will only be a memory. I would have given up if I had believed that my God was lying. I am still going because I believe that although I wake up every day in pain that this God who has brought me all this way into the wilderness will be just as faithful to bring me all that way into the promised land…even if that land is heaven and not an easier life on earth.
I will wait on the Lord and be of good courage because He has promised to strengthen my heart. This is an emotional battle now, the pain has become natural, it has become a part of me, but the lump I feel rising in my throat when I think of my life is not a physical pain. It seems unfair, I see people around me every day, people who have not been good to me in the past and their lives are glorious to say the least. They have been blessed beyond measure, even after they have left the Lord for their worldly lusts and these fading treasures, they have lived dishonest lives and yet they are continually blessed. Why can’t I be blessed? Well I am. Just in different ways. The Lord told us not to covet another’s house or wife, I think the Lord meant “life” instead. He has different ways of getting people’s attention. He has captivated mine. I’ll continue to watch these people live their perfect lives and be grateful for my own, to be grateful that I am alive. That the Lord has kept me. He has allowed me to believe. That he has brought me to not doubt His goodness.
These years have been long. And I realize as march approaches that my teen years will be over, and what do I have to remember but a bunch of doctor visits and painful tests. But I am reminded of Pastor Chuck’s words about victory and that being a victor doesn’t only apply to how you win the fight, but it is how you fight during the battle. Be victorious while you fight your battles. Know that the devil wants you, but that the One that is fighting for you is the One that is holding your world. Also remember that as He holds your small world, it is very easy for Him to turn it upside-down and when He does so, remember that He knows what He is doing. Never would I think that He would hold mine this way for 5 years, but His ways are much higher than mine, so much I cannot attain it.
Jesus- I commit my life to you. I commit my diseases to you and all that is within me. My burdens are too much for me to bear on my own. You are everything, help me to stop striving to change what’s going on.

i'll be hiding.

Appparently no one knows that I am hurting.
Appparently the hurt behind my eyes didn't even occur to my parents.
Well, we fleeced it out.
My mom told me that, "Not many people can tell that you're not OK, because you always appear smiling, how should anyone know how to help you...you're happy"

What I have figured over the years is that not many people can see past a smile, but there are few on this earth that can look straight into your eyes, they can see behind your eyes, they can see the tears that are hiding. That are hiding behind a smile made of fraud and bogus feelings.
Not many people can figure me out. The smile will kill, but I am not about to go to church or the grocery store moping like an idiot. I'll fake it until I die. I'll be hiding behind these pearly whites until someone can see past them.

It all comes down to trust. who do you trust to tell your feelings to? Well, to tell the truth, I really don't trust anyone. It'll get out someday. People who are genuine, people who are sincere will figure it out for themselves without a word coming from these lips of mine. It's worked out good for the past 5 years, why not continue?
People don't care enough to use common sense.
But the Lord sees, and the Lord hears, and He knows these secret tears. and He is all that matters. everything else has passed away. I have nothing, nothing but Him...and I am fine with that.

Roscoe.

A year ago my dog died.
A week before Christmas.
I had been at the hospital all day having tests done for my heart.
Roscoe had never had a healthy heart but I knew when he died, he gave it up for me.
Even though a whole year has come and gone, there is not one day that I don't think about Roscoe. He was my best friend.

-I talk to him when I'm lonesome like; and I'm sure he understands. When he looks at me so attentively, and gently licks my hands; then he rubs his nose on my tailored clothes, but I never say naught thereat. For the good Lord knows I can buy more clothes, but never a friend like that. ~W. Dayton Wedgefarth

I love you man.

PS. The picture was taken via webcam through Skype after I had left for my first semester of Bible College.

holding onto the One who holds me.

He has lifted the lowly,
brings goodness to the poor,
My Savior's love endures.

Glory be to the Father and Son
Glory be the the Spirit three in One.
Glory be in the beginning and the end.
Glory forever. Amen.

All I am for His kingdom's cause.
I am nothing. He is everything.

Are You seeing this?

Psalm 56:8 "You number my wanderings; Put my tears in Your bottle; Are they not in Your book? When I cry out to You, my enemies will turn back, This I know; Because God is for me."

The most recent feelings have been ones of abandonment and failure. To tell you the truth I hadn't cried since I was in Italy, but the other day I did, I let it all out, I couldn't contain my disgust with myself.
I feel as though I have let myself down as I have let down the rest of the world. Anyone who has expected anything from me will be disappointed. I felt as though Christ was immensely disappointed in me as well. I knew for once that He was the only one who could love me because I am not very lovable in this state of confusion and chaos.
Once again I felt as if I was not heard, so I stopped talking. So I thank you all who have been interceding on my behalf.
I have been caught up in the Psalms and it seems like David is a lot like me, he says how wonderful God is and all His greatness is in one chapter and then it goes to the next where David is begging to be delivered from his enemies and asking fervently for God to hear him. Bu though all of this, he knows that God catches every tear that falls from his face.
If God keeps these salty little capsules of emotions, they must mean something to Him. It's hard to imagine that He cares to keep them in His bottle, that He cares to know my pain.
Yesterday I was faced with yet another burden I had to take on. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. Yeah, weird word, weird disease. There's actually no way of testing for it besides seeing where you are most sensitive. My doctor tested me by pushing on spots on my body, all were very painful. She said all were positive for this disease.
My dad has this disease, he's lived with it for a long while now, but he never had it when he was as young as I am. He still does things as much as he can handle, but life is somewhat tougher. There is no cure for Fibromyalgia, you just have to live with it. Putting another disease on my list is not my idea of "an answer"...it's just making me more and more sick. This changed my outlook a lot.
For the past week I have been very depressed. I had never really understood depression before, but in this last week I have felt it like an ocean swallowing me up. I have had no joy in anything. All has seemed to be lost. I wonder how anyone will ever love me in this condition...like Lenny Kensington. If I were a guy, Jordyn Wagner would be the last person I would want to be with. Maybe I'm selfish, but I think I'd want to have fun. Well I can be fun, but my diseases definitely debilitate me. I know I will never have kids of my own. I won't be able to get pregnant someday, I won't and wouldn't want to...I wouldn't want to impose my condition on my child. These are just wants, but it still makes me feel weird.
So I ask God if He's seeing all of this.

"Hey You up there on Your high pedestal...can you see down here! Do you see this chaos that is running my life! Do you see that I'm not normal, that I am a drag to be around, that my dreams have been crushed by these darn diseases! Hey You- listen to me!"

I don't know if everyone screams at God. But it's something I have done a lot of recently. I know He hears me...secretly I believe it. Secretly I believe that He does love me, because He's not the average man, He died for me.
This love consumes me, but it makes me wonder what I'll be doing in my next few years, in the next 10 years. Where will I be?
I wanted to be a doctor. Not for the paycheck, or for the degree, but to sincerely help people. From there I wanted to go to Africa and Eastern Europe to those orphanages who have no medical attention. Right now, this seems like it will never happen. Right now all my dreams have crumbled to the floor.
But life goes on. Today I'm gonna go watch beautiful 7 year old Samantha play Christmas music on the piano at the Hallmark store. I'm going to put up the Christmas tree and wash the dishes and iron some clothes and look at myself in the mirror and convince myself that I am still alive, and that I am for a reason, although I cannot see why.
Are you seeing this?
My side of the story.
For all of you who have been praying for me and convincing me not to give up I thank you millions. Thank you Jenni for helping me at my lowest. Thank you Erin for your words of love that mean more than anything else. Thank you Stevie for praying with me. Thank you Mirah for being here for me consistently and loving all my flaws. Thank you to so many other people who just mean the world to me, if you're reading this, you are one of the those people.
Oh, and as of late, I was at the hospital today getting blood work done. Testing for sickel cell anemia, rhumatoid problems and bone cancer.
Secretly I want someone to hold my hand constantly.(Isaiah 41:13)

For all of you that I thought I was strong, and to myself included; I am not.
It's a good thing to remember, because somehow when we are weak, God is strong...for us. Like super strong, maybe stronger than He usually is, because He makes up for all we lack. That's all for now. I'll be back soon.

RATS!

So, I do mainly nothing at home besides listening to these rats in my walls.
They creep by night.
they like to talk to me through the wall, by my head, while I try to sleep.
They are obnoxious.
And although it's hard to tell, they are bigger than a mouse.
1 down, many to go.

Called to be sick.

So I’ve been figuring out that my approach to life itself has just sucked.
Everything changes though when you wake up tomorrow morning so much worse than you were yesterday. "Dangit! Why did I lie around all day? I could have done something"
I guess life is full of regrets.

This past week seemed like one I’d never get through. But the Lord is good. The Lord has given to me people that I just couldn't live without. People who have encouraged me, sent me letters, sent me verses, talked to me on the phone and just been there for me, no to pity party with me but to talk me out of my selfishness.
Being sick tends to lead to slothfulness.

If you've never had a debilitating disease you won't understand, but for those of you who do, it's pretty ridiculous, but something you can't really help.
This week I had the opportunity to go down to Murrieta. I passed it up. When something like this comes up- I am suddenly not sick anymore and I am ready to face the world. My parents had to talk to me and show me physically how weak I am.
So I was brought back to one of my favorite books of the bible. 1 Corinthians. God bless Paul. He had some good words to say, words from the Lord of course.

In chapter 7, Paul is talking about marriage mostly. He says in verse 20 to "remain in the calling in which you were called".
What the junk is that? That’s what I thought the first time I read it.
All this "callings" stuff just usually goes right over my head. Paul is saying that if you're married, stay married. If you're single, live a single lifestyle, not striving for what you don't have.

So- this is what I came to. I asked myself- "What is my calling?"
and I sat and I thought and I stood and I thought and I looked at something different and I thought and I came to the conclusion that at least for my teen years God has called me to be sick.
Since I was 13 I've struggled with health problems, all different, all strange diseases and each time the Lord has brought me through it. So here I am, sick again. But knowing that I need to live in the calling in which I was called.
Why would God have a mission for me as a sick person?

I feel pretty useless every day. I sit on my butt and accomplish...usually nothing. But with this time God has given me an opportunity to pray, to pray a lot. He's given me opportunities to write letters to hurting people. He's given me time to listen to chuck tracks and actually meditate on what I'm learning.
This pain may be a hindrance, but it's what God uses for me to see Him more clearly.

Ok- so this might be really long and if you want to give up reading...I don't blame you. But when I was in Italy just a few weeks ago I was studying 2 Corinthians. In one of my assignments I was to read the book in its entirety. So, I read and it was all good, nothing had really struck my attention until I came to chapter 12...and tears filled my eyes and I knew what Paul was saying because verses 7-10 are my life story. Verses 7-10 are my calling.
Vs.7- and lest I should be exalted above measure by the abundance of revelations, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I be exalted above measure.
Paul's thorn definitely hindered him; at times he couldn't go on his missionary journeys because he was sick. I love how he calls it a messenger of Satan. I like to call my diseases Satan as well.
Vs.8- concerning this thing, I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me.
This is what got to me. I have pleaded with the Lord countless times to remove these diseases from me so that I can fully function. Once the Lord did- and for that I cannot thank Him enough, as of 2 years ago I should have been blind...permanently. The Lord has restored my sight.
Vs.9- and He said to me

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness"

. Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
How many times has the Lord said this to you?
He is completely all that we need, although when weak, it is the perfect excuse to need something more. To boast in my sickness though? I do praise Jesus for what my diseases have made me because I cannot imagine the person I would be today if I had not been sick all these years. His strength in weakness has preserved me!
Vs.10- therefore I take please in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Am I happy with being sick? No. I want to run. I want to feel the wind in my face again. I want to be able to pick up all the little kids that I love. I want to be able to work and pay of these hospital bills. My sickness has been a burden. But Jesus has asked me to stop. To stop fighting. To stop carrying this burden. He's asked me to lay it down at His cross. As much as I hate this burden, I hold onto this. I hold onto the fact that I could be sick forever. I could be in pain. I could possibly never live a normal life; never have a job and so on.

I dwell on these things until it makes me sick.
But He has said, “Come to me, you who are heavy laden and I will give you rest. Take My yoke, learn from Me, I am gentle and you will find rest for your soul. My yoke is easy and my burden is light”.
It’s time to give up once again. To give up myself. And to take what He’s given me, which is a glass not filled, but a glass that’s not required to be half empty.
Here’s to a calling that sounds crazy…to being sick…and to being ok with that.

Hope this comes as some sort of encouragement who have been a world of help to me.
With all my love from my dented couch,
Jordyn

I need YOU to hear me tonight...please

I don’t want them to see me this way.
I am better than this, I just know it.
Lord, am I worth it?
To have a life? I gave it up Jesus, I swear I did! I gave it up so that I could find something better? And this is what you give me?!
I am damaged, broken, leaking, weak and waiting Jesus, waiting for a darn miracle.
I need You to pick me up, because I’ve fallen.
That cliff is so close and it scares me.
I know there’s a rope there, because I’ve been there before.
I don’t want to go that far, I don’t want to get as far as the rope.
You always give me the choice to hold on or to fall.
This place is slanted, where I am.
No one is here, but I know you are, because You had been before, when I first found You
I just need to see you right now. I need to know that you’re here.
I need to know that this battle can be fought by you.
I remember that place where I was standing, It wasn’t too far over there.
If You know this feeling, then why won’t You help?
If You can be everything that I need, then do it. Because I need. I need a lot. I need life.
Or if it’s not life that I need, then take me Jesus.
Take me home, Lord, I can’t go down like this.
I want this story you’ve given me to bring You glory, but I don’t know how much longer it will.
Never giving me more than I can handle, huh?
Well, this is a bit much.
Did you wake up crying?
Did you hate because there was no answer?
Did you build walls because it was easiest?
Did you forget how to love, because of how much it hurt?
I’m sorry I’m doubting you, I really am, because I love you. But this hurt goes further than the obvious. This hurt goes into my soul. I hurt because I cannot serve you when I am like this.
This proves my love/hate relationship. Know that I really do love You.
I need Your love to pull me up, Please.
Just another cry out for consistency.
I know You hear me, don’t be silent to my tears.
Amen.

.life.

Happy 1st Birthday Mr. David Jeremiah!


My heart missed you. Last year and this year again. Forever I'll be praying for you my little man. Bless you for the love you give without realizing it.

premature

this is purely just to spill.
I think I’ll just cry until I can’t feel anymore.
I sat in the car looking out the windows at the most beautiful hills in the world- with the green and red and brown and yellow trees.
We came to the restaurant where all my Italian friends were.
We ate a table made for a king and all his court.
And we drove back and my heart broke.
I stared at my packed bags. My prematurely packed bags.
This is not December. Now is when I ask God why these things happen.
tomorrow i will be on a plane- a plane in venice, a plane in frankfurt,a plane in denver, a plane to sacramento and then the roadtrip back home to my red room.
I know home will be fine, I’ll see my doctors and eventually I will be better.
But tonight- I’m not understanding at all, not understanding why He allowed me to stay long enough to learn to love and took me away soon enough so that I would break for these new brothers and sisters that I love.by the way...one year ago today I headed home from bible college in Murrieta to have heart surgery. Going in circles? I think so. This is my wilderness. Literally. My lungs hurt and I cannot get enough oxygen- this makes everything even harder…dangit.

this is my life guys- be jealous.

by the way- i'm not bitter, just hurting.

just things...and a love story.

1. my ring keeps turning upside-down.
2.my lips are chapped.
3. i wrote 2 papers today.
4. the sun is out but it is absolutely freezing.
5. risotto is way better than rice.
6. i prefer big groups of people.
7. Giovanni is my adopted Italian dog and I love him with my whole heart.
8. God is teaching me...big things.

He's teaching me to shut up. If God was as mean as me, He'd say it..."Jordyn- shut your trap you dummy!".
But instead, He speaks silently, through prayer. I talk to Him and then I listen and then He speaks. And He quiets me with His love and He rejoices over me with singing.
This thing started out as something bad- I was all alone.
But closet communion ain't so bad. We like to hang, me and Him.I walk with Him. We talk often. I have a lot to say. He probably has more, but I don't give Him the time of day.
Yet He's been good to me. Wherever He brings me, whatever the situation, He never leaves me and I always know it, even though I pretend I don't.
"I don't have anyone here!!!.....waaaah waaahh waaah" -Jordyn

Not true. He is here. With me.He kisses the tears off my face. And He holds me.He holds my cold hands. And pets my face until I fall asleep. And I love Him. He has become everything that I need.
Jesus is my boyfriend. No one else would treat me like this. And we cannot understand this fact until we have absolutely nothing left unfortunately. He took away everything I knew and gave me Himself. It took a while, but I found Him. He was here the whole time, the tears had just made my vision kinda blurry.
This heart is weak, But He is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Blessed be His name!

* You all were right, I did fall in love when I was in Italy.

. a season. a purpose.

Ecclesiastes 3.

To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven.

Today is a time to heal.
today is a time to break down.
Today is a time to weep.
A time to refrain from embracing.
A time to lose.
A time to keep silent
And a time to love.

There is much more to this passage. But those season or times have not yet occurred.

This heart is open and bleeding. I've found that I suck at love. Love is not my forte. But the people that I love, I love them with everything that I am. I love them with everything that I have. I'd give up my life for their sakes. And I'm not just saying this. I mean this. I love you Tass!

He hasn't left us or forsaken us and won't this time either.

And it was written...on December 20th 2008.

Remembrance.

I found this little artifact while cleaning out my folders, it brought back a lot of reminders of what I was facing a year ago. so here it is.

"So what have I been learning lately?

That my life is not my own. I was reading past entries “pain has a conclusion and love has a foundation”.

Roscoe, my lover; died last Thursday. These material things are fading. It was so hard to lose him. Endless memories with that dog. He’s been with me through everything, when everyone else abandoned me; Roscoe was my boyfriend. There were countless days that I spent stressed, lying on the kitchen floor with him singing to him that only he was the boy for me, no other boy could take his place. How could I ever forget him when he’s every password I’ve ever had? Seriously. Brain pain. This makes my heart hurt 10 times worse. Mom told me that He gave his heart for me…so that I could be healthy. And I know he would. On Thursday he did, I will get better, I will for him.

Physical pain…well I’ve been going through a lot of testing, had my CT angiogram yesterday. Hoping for good news. I want to go back to school in February. This has been a rough few months. I like the fact that the physical pain takes away some of the mental pain. I guess that’s why some people cut themselves. Cutting isn’t for me, although my arms are very scarred from the needles.

“Give me Jesus, you can have all this world, but give me Jesus”

Spiritual pain. I feel undeserving and unworthy of what the Lord has for me. I have a feeling I’ll be better soon, this season is nearing an end. Particular people remind me of what the Lord has for me, well, what he’s guaranteed all of us. But what He could do with a life like mine. I wouldn’t think much, but He has a bigger plan.
If you know me, you know I’m a planner. I think I’ve had a day-planner since I was 5 or so , I’d use my mom’s old ones and make them new with my sloppy handwriting and Lisa Frank stickers. I’ve always been planning and keeping track of everything. I used to have a graphing notebook and would check a check in every box for every hour I would spend with my best friend when I was little. I was reminded of a song the other day “For I am not my own, you’ve bought me with your blood”. I make plans. They never work out. He makes plans, they always come to fruition. I want to give Him everything. I want to be in love with the One who has redeemed me. I felt in love for a while…and then it just faded away. I want Him to be the only thing on my mind. I want what He wants for me, and what He wants is pretty much NEVER what I want. I wanted to go study in Spain next semester; I decided to go against what I wanted. I sent in my application to Murrieta last week.
Do you see Jesus when you look at me? I hope He sees something in me. Something worth saving."

. the sol gives me soul.

the sun came out today.
life just automatically got 10 times better.
PRAISE 'IM!

.additions.

this goes with the previous blog entry.
good words, reminders from Pastor Chuck.

"Now, God has a whole new body for us, far superior to the present body in which we live. The present body in which we live is compared to a tent; a temporary place to dwell, contrasted with the building of God, not made with hands, that is eternal in the heavens. The present body in which we live has marvelous features, but yet it also has features that aren't so marvelous. The present body in which we live has an aging process that takes its toll, so that we grow old. And as we grow old, the capacities of the body diminish. And we are not always able to do all of the things that we want to do or would like to do. And sometimes we foolishly get out and try to do some of those things that we used to do, and find that age has taken its toll upon the body. The body deteriorates; the body is subject to sickness, to disease, to weaknesses.

Now, God has a new body for me. It's far superior to this body, in that it will not need sleep for recuperation. Thus, if I had a mansion in heaven, I wouldn't need a bedroom in it. Because the body won't need that period of recuperating its strength. You probably wouldn't need a kitchen, because the body will probably be nourished by other types of foods that the body will use completely...so I probably won't need a bathroom."

.Jehovah Rapha.

I long for this thing called healing.

Exodus 16:26- "For I am the Lord who heals you."

If the Lord chooses not to heal me, I need to be ok with that.

Right now I am not. I feel like it is my right to be well.

I know the Lord desires to heal most people.

But Paul He did not heal.



And Elijah (James 5:16-18) prayed for 3 1/2 years and nothing happened. Then prayer was answered.


I feel like I am decomposing at too early an age.

But the Lord is writing a story.


Whether or not He heals me, He is still Jehovah Rapha.

losing it. lost it.

I can't really explain the way I feel right now.
this morning I was actually looking for a Psalm that could explain the way I feel, but I couldn't.
So, since before I came to Italy, my heart was in Calabria ( my mom's realtives used to live there and some still do). So, one of the first days of school Pastor Brian says "There's gonna be a mission trip to Calabria!" I wanted to cry! I was so ecstatic, such answered prayer, I called my mom immediately and told her.
Today I go to morning devos to see the the Calabria trip is full. AKA- no room for Jordyn.
bummmmmmmmmmer.
yeah, so now I am sitting in this damp, cold basement, with absolutely no motivation to do anything. I try to pray and the words don't come.
Satan is getting a dang foothold in my life and I hate it.he is attacking me-like hardcore.
and it's rainy and cold. I wore my peacoat and scarves this morning. 50 degrees in September- I've never known this.
This is a really melancholy blog I guess, Italy is still wonderful and the people as well.
I communicated yesterday for the first time! YAY! I went to the paper store and asked for 7 postcards and 7 stamps and recieved them and we communicated. it felt good.
so, if you think about me, please pray for me. pray for the tears to go away and for the heart to be restored and for the Lord to give me words to speak to Him, for praises to come from my mouth. I want to be His servant. I just feel empty.
Lord, REVIVE ME!

que che?

so...
today was the 5th time in italy that i've gotten lost.
i went down the street looking for a stop light that was never found.
luckily I was with a roomie. we almost got killed by crossing the freeway offramp and running through construction zones...why?
because I wanted to go to a thrift store!
by the way- all construction guys here do not wear shirts and they wear shorts( even when laying asphalt)...very strange I thought it was.
anyways, but the Lord is moving here. 4 hour prayer last night with the girls was bomb.
continue to pray for me to learn Jesus and also to learn the culture.
when we left at noon- we were a hazard walking through the streets, an hour later everyone disappeared, the ladies on their porches;sweeping were gone. the construction guys minus their shirts were gone. the barking dogs were gone and the stores began to close.
it finally made sense...siesta.
God bless Italy!

.hedge me in.

Hosea.
Minor prophets class.
Tore me up in the first hour and a half I sat in this little Italian church in the middle of a field in a warehouse.
We talked about Gomer, Hosea's postitute that God called him to marry.
They go through what havoc she wreaks on his life and then chapter 2 goes on to say that he's tired of it and that he's going to hedge her in so that she cannot get out. these hedges I learned, were tall, like real tall and they had thorns and there was no way anything could get in and there was no way she could get out. she would be completely surrounded and given everything she needed.
As we talked, I felt this feeling of betrayal.
I felt as if God had taken away my hedge.
Then we talked about Job, the first chapter where God and Satan have this conversation of sorts about Job and his righteousness. Satan asks God if the hedge God has put around Job may be removed. God allows it.
And we all know what transpired in the life of Job after this occurance.
Why would God allow a hedge to be taken away from one of His children?
But I realized as I thought like a little owl in my seat that the whole time I was exposed to the world and harm and medical problems galore I was protected the whole time because God never left me and He never had forsaken me.
He hasn't and He won't.
This past week has been difficult, coming to a place where I know nothing, I know no one and I do not speak a word of the language to top everything off.
I sat on the train a few days back on my way to Venice and said, "It's just you and me Lord, just You and me."
And so it is. Just me and Him.
This time I'm gonna get to know Him, he knows me, He's known forever, I want to learn of Him.
So, continue praying for me in Montebelluna.
The Lord is working here for sure, I wish I could tell of all the stories here but no one would ever read the whole thing.
And please pray for the Italian people, as they are lost in cathedrals and confession booths.

Please, Just hold my hand.

This week has been a rough one.
This week has been a lonely one.
I want to say that I am brave. God always proves me wrong.
When I thought that He had let me down He used my best friend to send me a verse.
Isaiah 41:13
"For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says 'Fear not, I will help you"
I desperately needed help this week. I was longing for affection. I secretly hold all that stuff inside.
Kills me to know all this time, all 2,000 years ago, how He knew that I'd need a Savior.

A day in the...hospital.

Things come up.
In my life, things that aren't so average.
This is the way the Lord shows me that He's not finished with me yet.
He's got a plan, and He's not forgotten what He's gonna do with me.
This also proves my human-ness, and how upset I get.
Yesterday, I read Matthew 11 and complained of how this burden is not 'light'.
The fact is that the burden is light because in Him I find rest. I read it backward and it made more sense.
Lord, teach me to pray, to pray more effectively; to pray believing.

Mark 11:24
"Therefore I say to you, whatever things you ask when you pray, believe that you recieve them, and you will have them."

What happens when Love happens.

A word on my mind recently is the word "redmemption" or to be redeemed.
I decided to do a word study. So I looked and looked and came up with these defintions:
1. Repurchase
2. Repair
3. To help overcome something detrimental.
4. To change for the better.
5. To make worthwhile.

Honestly, I was inspired to write this because of a friend's foot tattoo. She said she got the permanent ink set into her skin so that she would never forget the love Jesus had to buy her back from her captivity.
I've been up at night praying for these friends of mine whom have forgotten to say the least, it breaks my heart, I cry and I pray and I feel like I am doing nothing.
The Lord brought me to Isaiah 52:3,

For thus says the LORD:


“ You have sold yourselves for nothing,
And you shall be redeemed without money.”

The Lord's own words, it almost hurts to know that He knows me so well. That He knows we will sell ourselves for nothing, that we see ourselves as worthless when He's bought us with His blood. And yet He says that we will be repurchased without money.
The way He loves us in incredible, there's no real way of understanding this, but a good way to see it is when we are sinning, stealing out of the cookie jar, lying about being in earlier than we were and so on. This leads to hanging with the wrong crowd, ruining ourselves and seeing ourselves good for nothing but maybe one thing. This is when He says "I want YOU back!"
Not like Uncle Sam saying, I want you. We've always been His, we've just wandered away, maybe a slow progression, maybe fast, yet He cries for us to stop writhing out of His hands.
What I'm getting to here...well I don't really know and I know the people who I want to read this, will not, but here goes...
He wants you.
He wants to buy you back.
You've sold yourself for nothing.
And he's already paid the price.
He'll take that shriveled up red thing we call your heart and He'll make it whole, He'll repair it. These things take time, but He created time.
He always loves and He never fails.
Please consider this.
And please read Isaiah 52.
I'm done...never forget that I love you as well.

.nothingBUTweak.

Something I wrote not too long ago.

I am nothing but weak
Is there any way you can make this heart complete
So much blaming for my problems
Answer my plea
I want no more of me
When the curls fall out
And time fades away
I’ll still be standing here
Day by day
Well, the curls came out
Lord, you know what this story’s about
I have dressed for the occasion
Temporal satisfaction I put on
But after the wearing, the waiting grows long
Out came the curls
They fell with my world
Looking for someone to give them a twirl
And here I stand
Not by my own strength
Looking for you, only by your grace
This party ended long ago
The questions “why?” have rung through my head
How I so badly wanted this life to be average
You’ve changed my plans
Wouldn’t give my hurt a bandage
No covering this up
This was open and bleeding
Was it Your intention for them to see the healing?
So much hurt, too much pain
During the time I’d forgotten my name
To remember you’ve called me
To be reassured
To know for this heart, there would be a cure.

reading...no, writing...yes.

I'm thinking about writing a book.
Actually, I've thought for a while, I'm like an owl.
But for realsies, I am.
A testimony to the Lord and His greatness in my 'messy' life.
So, for you who know my story kinda, sorta, maybe...any titles???

I have a few but hate them all.

Personally I think the book revolves around the title.

*Feel free to comment!

The Amazing Race

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the course, I have kept the faith." 2 Timothy 4:7

Calvary Chapel Red Bluff's Kid's Camp 2009 revolved around running the race.
What is the race? And how do we run?
What we all learned is that we need to know our coach, we need to know the trail, we need a reason for running and we need to know what we're running for and in doing this we will come across obstacles and what will we then do? Face them or fall over?

I began this race- this permanent race- about 5 years ago, falling on my face and asking Jesus to show Himself to me. To say the least, He did.
My life story is getting really long and very full of His goodness to me but also full of obstacles.
My Youth pastor was talking about how some people run this race and it's a smoothe path and for other people, they hit hills that cause them to walk instead of run and boulders in the road that cause them to fall and get bloody and broken.
This is the story that the Lord has written for me.
I got to share my testimony yesterday with 7 very hungry 12 year old girls.
I had nothing to brag about, I just wanted them to know that if these obstacles come, that they are more than conquerors through Him who loves us. I want them to be able to face these things.
This boulders I've run into have caused hurt, but it's given me a story that I would have never written for myself.
The girls told me that if these things had happened to them that they would not have done well and probably would have quit the race. They told me I was strong. I told them I was not. I am not brave...ever. Yes, I can get poked by a needle and tears will not come from my eyes, but my heart hurts when I go through these battles. I get weak so that only God is my strength.
Talking to these girls was not all I did. I learned myself. I learned more about what I was facing. How my race was going. And understanding where it will end. You're either in or out of a race, there's no in-between.
How easy it would be to stay on the sidelines for a few hours and cheer everyone else on and wear the cool shirt and the number and then jump back in when the hurdles were over. That's cheating.
I've got a long way to go. I've got a lot to learn. But He is ever faithful.
So, will you join me? Because I am running, running for a prize, running to win!
1 Corinthians 9:24

A Cry for Deliverance.

I thought it was love that I needed.
Rescuing, was what my soul was truly crying out.
Home for a month now and the battles have overwhelmed me.
Dirty and disgusted are the recent feelings.
I listened to the song called "Freedom" by RunKidRun and that pretty much explains everything. Everything I wanted the Lord to know.
God has called me to be holy. Leviticus 20:7, "Consecrate yourselves therefore and be holy, for I am the Lord your God."
My actions were showing off what the world has taught me.
So, my problems brought me to 2 Chronicles 20. Verse 29 says that the people heard that the Lord fought their battles for them.
This was and is something I could not win by myself.
It overwhelms my soul and I find myself repenting but never changing my ways.
I knew God had required me to give up, to give up the lust of the flesh.
It was 3 weeks ago. I laid on my bedroom floor sobbing crying "Father please, I need rescuing, I need you and You alone!".
And He came to my rescue, and He fought my battles.
And He, only He is worthy of my praise.
I guess this is a lot to say and you who read this will not know exactly what I am talking about, but it is relative.
Whatever the battle, whatever the time, whatever the place, He longs to fight our battles, to win us back, and to heal our hearts.
We're undeserving, dirty and rotten, but His grace has found us as we are and welcomes us to come rest in His arms of redemption.
So, the battle goes on, I remain weak, He remains fighting.

overdrawn.

Notice #13 came in the mail today.
Jordyn Wagner is a poor one.
I know we all have those days that we feel irresponsible and stuff, but I feel way beyond that.
Days like this I feel like I am getting absolutely nowhere. No matter how many chuck tracks I get done ahead of time, really doesn't matter, no matter how much I cook or clean, nothing is lasting.
nothing I do is making a difference.
I've been babysitting all week, I have to keep reminding myself that the money "I make" is not my own, it rightfully belongs to my parents.
The statement, "I HATE MONEY!" has come off my lips more than once since being home.
Living is expensive. California is expensive. And our President wants all the money we have. Tax me baby! which tax is now up to 8.25% in the beautiful state of California.
I am very ready to leave and never come back.
So, my goal for today is to go babysit from 6-10pm and drive back to the bank and deposit what I have.
Jehovah Jireh,I need You!

Lenny (Part 2)

I went back to what I'd written before. I feel it may be easy to misunderstand what I really meant.
So many times I feel discontent where I am at, But as it says in 1st Corinthians to , "Remain in the calling in which you have been called".
This is all I am doing. I am constantly reminded of my sinful nature.
So I want all of my 4 readers to know that I have not yet been given someone to love because I have not yet learned to love the way that Christ has loved me.
Someday I know this loving thing will come a bit more easily, but right now it's hard to give up my selfish ambitions and to submit. Submitting to God seems like enough.
I always told myself that I would never get into a relationship until I fell in love with Jesus first.
Proof of why my wanna-be relationships never came to be. I wasn't ready.
In fact last year was the time I spent the most hating and asking God way too many questions. I eventually did fall in love with Him.
This year, not too long ago in fact. His love became real to me and I finally accepted that He could love someone like me even in all my unworthiness.
So, I just wanted to clear that up.
He is all I need. His love consumes me. He knows my every need and will give to me when the time is right. He doesn't lie when He says He makes everything beautiful in HIS timing.
That's all.

Lenny Kensington

Ok- so I’m gonna tell you all about something kind of weird I guess.
About Lenny.
His name is Lenny Kensington and I named him that when I was about 14 years old, has never been changed and I’m not messing with it now. Who is Lenny? He is my future husband. Who is my future husband? Wouldn’t we all like to know.
Welcome to my life. I am Jordyn, the girl who has never had a boyfriend. I like to think that the Lord has been sparing me all these years. I never really had a chance to date, every time the guy was convienient the time was not. AKA- I always got sick when the guys I liked came around. I like to think that I know what I want in a guy, but then my mind will change. I don’t like to admit that I am needy, but sometimes I just want to be cuddled and held. I have never ever wanted a boyfriend more in my life than when I was going through my heart problems last winter. I think it was because I spent so much time alone. Solitude is not my forte, I do not do well on my own. I find myself having bad dreams lately and cannot sleep the rest of the night and I am always thinking, “If I had someone with me, I could go back to sleep.” How nice that would be, to just think that thought and then have someone with you the moment your mind wanders away from that subject. I’ve never had the guy to hold me. The Lord must be saving that special place for my husband, for Lenny. This is where I find myself most selfish. Making a list of what I want in this guy. I guess it’s necessary to know what we all want, but it just feels almost wrong. I know I must keep my standards high though- if I let them down, I would let anyone in. suddenly Jordyn would be on the market and there would be guys at my door. Gross. Luckily for me, there are about zero guys in this town that I would date. So, my near-dating experiences are these: when I was 14 I kinda of liked this guy and he knew it, so he started calling my home all the time and hanging out with me. He started annoying me within a couple days and I began to hate him. That valentine’s day was the worst ever- he called me 14 times that day, asking me out. What a drag! I was so annoyed- I told him never to call my house again and if he did- my dad would talk to him. Well this “liking process” likened unto talks of suicide- he said he loved me so much that if I did not date him that he would kill himself. I simply told him that if he really loved me he would never say such a thing. It got to the point where his mother called me and told me to date him because she was scared of what he might do to himself if he was rejected one more time. My answer consistently was “No”. finally an intervention took place with my youth pastor, his wife, this guy and I. we all sat down a pretty far distance from eachother and fleeced it out. I told him he needed to leave me alone and he just sat there and cried like a baby. And then it was over. And I was frightened to ever like a guy ever again. This dating thing went rogue from the very start. But just to clear that all up- this guy and I remain friends to this very day, no way in hell I would I ever date him, but I do love him as a friend. Near-dating experience #2: Last September I was at Bible College and met this guy. He struck me as everything I had ever dreamed of in a guy, mostly the way he looked.(he looked just like I had always pictured Lenny in my dreams). So we really weren’t that close of friends at all, I had known him probably about a month when my heart problems were getting a tad bit more extreme and I had to go home to have heart surgery. I told him I had to go home and the first thing he said was “well, we need to go on a date!” and I said “Yes” like it was nothing. I am not the girl to say “yes” to anything. That’s just never my answer, but it flowed off my lips like nothing. So we went on a date( which was supposed to be a double date, but the other girl’s date bailed and she was left as just the 3rd wheel of sorts and ended up in the emergency room by the end of the night). The date went well and for the first time in a long time I just felt normal. The fact that this guy still liked me despite my health issues really left an impression that I’ll never forget. People now ask me why I went on that date, as I barely knew this guy. My answer is that

“I truly believed that I was dying, I was prone for a heart attack at any moment and why die before you go on your first date? It only made sense to go.”

And I’m glad that I did. But as we all know, this “beginning of something great” ended 2 days later when I left school for northern California and 1 month later had heart surgery which left us both with empty feelings and if any feeling , it was awkwardness.
Let’s just say that dating is not my forte either.
So, I sit here waiting. Romans 8:25 has become my “dating verse”….I know, how lame.
We wait patiently for what we do not see. I have no clue where my “Lenny” is. Who he is. What he does. And so on. Given up? Never. I just cannot date in red bluff is all I know. My motto for dating is

“Why settle when you can select?”

and it so incredibly true, if we all settled for what was in town, we would have bums for husbands. So, to infinity and beyond! Not that I am necessarily looking, but options are open because the world is much bigger than Northern California. PTL. You know, one of these days, Lenny will come along and I’m sure he’ll read this and tell me that I am desperate. Even still, I will deny it.
Well, hope we all got a laugh out of this. My life is somewhat a circus- enjoy the show.

For the Love of Being Alive

Whoever said that getting lost was a waste of time...didn't have his head on right.
Make time to get lost.
I guess I appreciate more than I used to. I appreciate the little things.
The little things that equal up to life itself.
All could have been lost.
Today I got lost with my Dad in the mountains for 6 hours. We took off looking for certain things that were never found.
Spontaneous things thrill me.
So, I don't really know what I'm getting at, but I guess this is just a tribute from a girl who feels alive.

I must be home.

I saw 10 mullets all within the same room today.
I talked to probably 5 Mary-Kay ladies.
And it's over 100 degrees.
Bums are scaring the living daylights outta me.
Wal-Mart has been a pit-stop more than once.
Drama has crept its way into my life again.
Because......Because....
I LIVE IN RED BLUFF!
(home again guys)

The Places We'll Go.

I wonder.
I enjoy looking around at the kids at school(some, my friends, others not so much) and wonder what awesome things the Lord is going to do in their lives.
excitement overwhelms me during these times.
I want to know NOW!
Waiting must be a virtue...well patience is, they're pretty much the same thing.
My plan is to be in Montebelluna, Italy by September.
If the Lord wills, I will.
I did start learning Italian the other day- I got a program to put on my computer that cost a whole 5 dollars and 99 cents. Big investment, I know.
So here goes the waiting process.
Hold fast~ Hebrews 10:23

Here we go again?

the impossible.
is always possible. it's good to remember this.
so many times I think "I am done...finally this is finished."
untrue. i'm so not done with anything.
God is ultimately writing my life story and this book has not come to a close quite yet.
John 16:23 is very encouraging in these types of situations.

"And in that day, you will ask Me nothing..."

He's got me. i love remembering this. when life falls apart. after I thought I had it all together.
He's still holding me. He's holding you.
He's got the whole world in His hands never made so much sense to me in my life.
so here I am again,wondering what his could hold for me.
all is unexpected...but i'm standing here,unshaken.
ready for shaking.
If this is what it takes for me to bring You praise.
I'm in.

"Life isn't fair, Jordyn..."

the title of this blog is a line I got from my mom almost every day of my childhood. might i add that I was the middle, non-talented one in the family. well this is actually about contentment and the striving for it. chasing for what's not there. and craving what is not true. last night i was overcome with anger. well, i lashed out in anger when my heart was really just breaking for the unhappiness we have as humans. but as christians, I just think some things should be a little different. tell me if you agree.
yes, we are all guilty of this.
we have everything we need, we are spoiled rotten. we get good beds to sleep in, a roof over our heads and relatively good food to eat, nice people in our lives who love us and yet EVERYTHING IS WRONG WITH MYYYYYYY LIFE!!!!!
ummm no. nothing is wrong with life. your attitude is wrong.
i've lived with this attitude for a long time, but i am so incredibly happy to say that the Lord has changed my heart in this way( He is still working on other parts).
i won't bring up the exact situation that I was angry about.
but after hearing a certain conversation, my heart was tearing, I got literally hot laying in bed trying to fall asleep, i couldn't breathe. i got up pacing around my dorm, then put on some clothes and left, I could not stand the environment any longer!
I walked around the lake with the Lord a few times asking why I felt the way I did. I didn't want to be hating, but I was more than upset. I've asked Him so many times to break my heart for what breaks His. I asked Him if this was breaking His heart...i hoped so, so that my wannabe rage wasn't in vain. I kept my cool while talking to God. then my sister called, so I walked around the lake a few more times and started kicking trees, rocks and ducks(not really the ducks...wanted to though).
understanding how people can be so bitter toward life and what the Lord has given them overwhelms my soul and to tell the truth...makes me want to throw up.
I did want to throw my glass bottle of lotion at this person's head, just so when this person woke back up, that they wouldn't remember the awful things that just came out of his/her mouth.
contentment is not something that comes easy to anyone.
in every situation, there will always be something "wrong".
the Lord puts these"wrong" things into our lives for a reason.
why are we not grateful?
I think I am running out of words...why? I have so much on my mind, but I cannot elaborate on this any longer.
simply put, I am done with this discontentment and will not tolerate it anymore because it causes me to stumble.
Lord, make me stronger and please, please, please give me Your patience. I love You Lord, thank you for the complacency You have brought into my life. Be my sustenance , and also to my peers . AMEN!

Chords that were broken will vibrate once more.

I am back at CCBC- the love of my life.
the joy i have felt in these past few days is incredible. i can't help but remember where I was last semester and where I am now.
to say that God is good, is not quite enough.
I have asked so many times that God be magnified in my life.
where other people may not see this magnification, I can see it clearly.
I want to jump up and down and run up and down the stairs(just because I can).
I want to run into HIS arms and kiss HIS face and thank Him.
blessing the Lord in the good times or the bad times are not easy.
when i'm in pain, i don't want God, because simply put in my human mind, He has messed everything up. and when life is good, I have no time for God because I am well and why should I spend time with Him when I could be enjoying my life.
This time around I am trying harder to praise His name always.
not just to say that I am in love, but to act it out.
Lord, give me perseverance.

.these walls.

all too familiar.
i came home for spring break.
my bags rested on the floor as i could feel all the emotion coming back to me that i felt in the 4 dreadful months that i laid in that red bed.
i remember all the shapes i found in the walls...little faces and scenes from lying there so long...waiting for my heart to function properly. all at once i can feel the chest pain again, i can see the hospital bracelets, hear my doctor's voice, feel the lonliness.
i run my fingers over these pictures. pictures from 10+ years ago. no recent pictures. i have been too afraid of losing. these things i love are the things that bring crazy feelings to my numb heart. thank you Jesus that i am no longer in that bed and that i have more to look forward to than another hospital visit. this all just feels wrong, memories of coming back from school before the semester ended...i can remember almost every minute, everything that happened in those last few days i was at school in october and the trip home.
the way things could have been make me wonder.
the way things are makes my heart glad.

I shall not be in Want

I hate tears.
last night i couldn't stop them.
i am selfish.
my heart wants to be somewhere I am not.
so i was not content at all.
who am I to not be happy for what I have?
I want to go to Guemes Island with my parents and I want to spend more than 2 days at home for spring break.
Why was I crying? I am a retard, human and always striving for something.
Lord, give me contentment, make me happy in You. Guemes and spring break are temporal but you last forever. I want more of Your eternal blessings. Thank you for calming my heart.

. an attemp to change.

It is not worth it to try to writhe out of Christ’s willed for my life. God wants to bless me so He will allow me to go through trials beyond my understanding. I have to wait for my purpose to be fulfilled, what I cannot see is that it is being fulfilled everyday that I am alive. Also, I need to realize that eternal life is a gift from God; it is nothing that I can do on my own. I do not inherit life as I ask for forgiveness, but as I put on Christ and His characteristics I inherit life through what He has done for me. This life is getting old. I am so encouraged that God is preparing a place for me in heaven and the reason why I am not there already is because it is not ready. What God is doing with me is not yet finished and when it is, I will see Him face to face, there will be no more death, limitations or defects, and all these questions “why” won’t exist anymore. I look forward to the day that I can put my fingers through the holes in His hands and understand why He has loved me.