Remembrance.
I found this little artifact while cleaning out my folders, it brought back a lot of reminders of what I was facing a year ago. so here it is.
"So what have I been learning lately?
That my life is not my own. I was reading past entries “pain has a conclusion and love has a foundation”.
Roscoe, my lover; died last Thursday. These material things are fading. It was so hard to lose him. Endless memories with that dog. He’s been with me through everything, when everyone else abandoned me; Roscoe was my boyfriend. There were countless days that I spent stressed, lying on the kitchen floor with him singing to him that only he was the boy for me, no other boy could take his place. How could I ever forget him when he’s every password I’ve ever had? Seriously. Brain pain. This makes my heart hurt 10 times worse. Mom told me that He gave his heart for me…so that I could be healthy. And I know he would. On Thursday he did, I will get better, I will for him.
Physical pain…well I’ve been going through a lot of testing, had my CT angiogram yesterday. Hoping for good news. I want to go back to school in February. This has been a rough few months. I like the fact that the physical pain takes away some of the mental pain. I guess that’s why some people cut themselves. Cutting isn’t for me, although my arms are very scarred from the needles.
“Give me Jesus, you can have all this world, but give me Jesus”
Spiritual pain. I feel undeserving and unworthy of what the Lord has for me. I have a feeling I’ll be better soon, this season is nearing an end. Particular people remind me of what the Lord has for me, well, what he’s guaranteed all of us. But what He could do with a life like mine. I wouldn’t think much, but He has a bigger plan.
If you know me, you know I’m a planner. I think I’ve had a day-planner since I was 5 or so , I’d use my mom’s old ones and make them new with my sloppy handwriting and Lisa Frank stickers. I’ve always been planning and keeping track of everything. I used to have a graphing notebook and would check a check in every box for every hour I would spend with my best friend when I was little. I was reminded of a song the other day “For I am not my own, you’ve bought me with your blood”. I make plans. They never work out. He makes plans, they always come to fruition. I want to give Him everything. I want to be in love with the One who has redeemed me. I felt in love for a while…and then it just faded away. I want Him to be the only thing on my mind. I want what He wants for me, and what He wants is pretty much NEVER what I want. I wanted to go study in Spain next semester; I decided to go against what I wanted. I sent in my application to Murrieta last week.
Do you see Jesus when you look at me? I hope He sees something in me. Something worth saving."
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