breakup

i guess my 3 in 1 video blogs said it all kinda-sorta as to what is going on as of late. you all really got to see it all. this has been quite the fight. and for the past 6 years i have been begging someone to fight for me. but all along i have been begging the wrong person. i have gone to MD after MD, someone smarter to someone smarter begging, then pleading with them to find pleasure in my eyes and to be willing to fight for my life.
no one has been willing.
they all have given up on me.
after 6 years. i have gone through this extremely treacherous fight and i feel like i have finally given up the fight with them and broken it off...goodbye Stanford, goodbye to the whole lot of doctors i have seen in these past 6 years that have done jack-squat for me.
i want to move on, i want to see the world, i want to finish bible college and go on to nursing school, but unfortunately right now these things must wait.
of course over this fall i'll be working towards my graduation from bible college by taking online classes...i refuse to start and quit.

it's funny, i highly considered deleting this blog last week. it was a goner. see you later! it started out as something that was just an online journal and then suddenly everyone started reading it and i had to be a little more careful about what i wrote.
if this blog was not online, it would have been burned last week. why? well, because it has everything to do with my sickness.
in sickness and in health.
that's pretty much my motto here on 'when the curls fall out'.
and the curls fell out a few days ago i realized.

the title actually came from a poem i wrote when i was younger. i wrote it when i had pin straight hair and curling it was only for special occasions and by the end of the night the curls would always have fallen and the event would be over, everything would be done.
a few lines from this poem went...
when the curls fell out
they fell with my world
looking for someone to give them a twirl...

and how true is that? at least for me. ultimately i wrote this about the Lord and how when everything fall around you. when the show is over and your world seems to be caving in and you're begging SOMEONE TO FIGHT FOR YOU , you need to look at who you've been asking to fight.

i was asking doctors to plead my cause.
now my world has fallen, just as these curls have fallen out but does it not say numerous times in the bible that the Lord is a Man of war!?

He lives to fight for us!

so, i am not here for pity or to prove that i have suffered for 6 years and that i am miserable and sad, i am here to prove that my Redeemer lives and He shall stand at last on the Earth. we all suffer in our different ways, whether financially or in relationships or spiritually or emotionally- we all have battles.

who is fighting for you?

i love you all so much and i deeply appreciate all the comments and messages on facebook and the texts and phone calls- you all are such a blessing, i can't describe it with words...i really can't or i start crying like a fool, you know me;)
anyways, be blessed you guys and stick around the blog. the blog will stay. because it's not for me anymore- this is for His glory and if it ever gets carnal it'll go buh-bye.
i will for sure have another post in a couple weeks when i get results of this Lymes test.

all my love- jordie

higher ground

No power of hell
No scheme of man
Could ever pluck me from his hand
‘Til he returns
Or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I’ll stand


Lately it seems that satan has been playing games with my mind. Just trying to tempt me and pull me down. I found that he can’t pull me down when I am on my face before my Maker.
Whatever my circumstances. Whatever comes of these tests, nothing will take me away from the love of the God that I serve.
I call for Him every day and every night hoping that He will come for me- how desperately I want Him. This morning we sang the song above. And that here in the power of Christ I will stand.
Sometimes the greatest place to stand, the highest place to stand is where your face is buried in the place you usually walk.
To be in a place where no one can possibly bring you lower, but where the Lord knows exactly where you are and He is only willing to bring you up.
I have a feeling I will be in this place for a while- this place of complete brokenness and sorrow. I know He can use this.

I go to Stanford in 2 days- a video blog will come soon.

The blog desperately needed a revamp from the brown whatever, I hope you all like it:)

beeDEEdooDOP- You have Reached a New level...

i am writing right now completely uninspired, so i hope you're not expecting anything beautiful.
as the title of this little excerpt entails i have reached a new level of this sickness that has left me in bed for the last few days. Yesterday I got up to play mom for a few hours driving the kids around to their skit practice and picking them up and i got enough makeup on to make myself look healthy to go to a wedding today.
my stomach has been killing me, and my head has been spinning,i feel like a fish out of water-just gasping for air and my bones hate me more than ever- this feeling is not like the flu although everyone tries to tell me it is.

i don't see stanford for another week and a half. the 27th is the day.
dr. genovese and dr. flowers are the ones i know i will be seeing for sure- please be praying for wisdom for them.
please be praying for strength for me- i've been too uncomfortable to sleep and when i do fall asleep and i roll over and wake up not being able to breathe.

but in all of this i have been reminded of my beautiful brothers and sisters who are in this fight with me- this fight for life, or...this fight for heaven. I have been reminded in OUR suffering of this verse in 1 Peter 5:10 "But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen and settle you. And to Him be the Glory!"

Amen?

This is my prayer...this is why I have this blog, this is why i am alive to this day, this is why I keep fighting for life, this is why I choose Jesus over the world, because AFTER A WHILE, we may suffer for a while but He will perfect us...oh the glorious perfection that we will receive when we meet our Maker! He will establish us, we will be firm, set in our way so that we cannot be moved. we will be strengthened- i know as for me, strength is the one thing i am looking for these days, and if Jesus can give it to me- then give me Jesus! And He will settle you! Oh to be settled, to have a peace, to have a joy that no one can take away. And let the world stand by and marvel.
Let us march on and fight-we're in this together.

And to Him be the all the glory.

Please Pray for:

Susie- Diagnosed with cancer this week, starting chemo next week.
Sue- Diagnosed also with cancer, please pray for docs to pinpoint where it is.
Kathy- Diagnosed with breast cancer this week, pray for successful surgery.
Owen- Diagnosed with Leukemia this week, 5 years old. Pray for this little guy and his family to stay strong and battle this knowing that the Lord holds his little life and loves him abundantly:)

ten

i wonder if anyone else knows what it's like to just want to write but not be able to.
i want to hold a pen in my hand and watch it glide over the paper and feel my feelings release from my heart. sometimes it all just doesn't come out when i type.
pain keeps me from this.
pain wants to eat me alive tonight.
going on 10 months now...
10 months of pain, yes, but also ten months of hope and that i will not give up. 10 months i have been waiting for a better day.
i try not to reflect on these dates, but this just randomly came into my mind.
Lord, distract me with Your presence- You are all I need.

Be my pen, be my paper, be my feelings, be the time i feel i've lost, be everything that consumes me.

me myself, i've got nothing to prove

1.first things first, i hate whistling, it automatically makes me angry. and it probably comes from bitter jealousy because i could never do it.
2. i had blonde hair until i was 5.
3. i made a new years resolution to do nothing with my hair until 2011.
4. being alone is the scariest thing. i've found.
5. i take to heart every fortune cookie that i open.
6. my dog was my best friend, my best friend died last year.
7. my 7 weeks in italy still seem like a dream, why did i have to wake up?
8. i wear one pair of contacts for 3 months instead of 2 weeks like i should.
9. my name is really spelled jordAn.
10. in my mind i think my perfect life consists of me playing my piano in an apartment 25 stories high in a city while the people walk below and the trees sway below.
11. i love trees...and if i were not a christian, i would probably be a tree hugger.
12. i want a whole farm of children someday, or maybe i'll just work in an orphanage.
13. realistically, i want to be a doctor. everyone tells me i cannot do it.but i out to prove everyone wrong. it is not for me, it is for Jesus.
14. i wrote my bucket list when i was 15.
15. i love writing and i love paper. paper listens better than people.
16. i've always wanted to be like super toned and tanned but it's never happened.
17. i have only broken my toe, broke it running into the washing machine.
18. if it weren't for Jesus finding me in my lowest state, i would have killed myself a long time ago.
19. blowing bubbles with gum or just with soapy water is one of my favorite things:)
20. the only thing i can claim that "i am good at" is showing goats, yes, at fairs, and i am proud of that!
21. i have never dyed my hair and i do not plan on doing so until i am gray.
22. i hate cookbooks, because i don't like a book other than the bible telling me what to do- thus most of my food turns out gross.
23. i have started reading Dr. Dolittle 5 different times and have never finished it. it is the only book i have started and never finished.
24. calvary chapel bible college is a modern day heaven to me.
25. i haven't been back to the place i grew up for 4 years now and i makes me sad.
26. my monkey lamp is the most amazing thing i own.
27. when i was younger i used to run away, my intention was of going to my best friends house 5 miles away, but i never made it further than the stop sign.
28. i have no clue why i am still on earth, i am waiting to see what the Lord wants fro me. He could have taken me so many times.
29. i really don't care what people think of me. i have heard from many people lately that this is a bad thing.
30. i've lived in 4 houses in 3 places in 2 states.
31. 31. if people really took the time to get to know my sister and i, they'd realize we look nothing alike, it's an optical illusion.
32. i am obsessed with organizing things at stores- take me to target and i will stock thing for hours and be perfectly content. it's my favorite:)
33. i speak to babies in asian accents and they fall in love with me, it's quite adorable.
34. i know love.
35. i know i will be better. these bones may be decaying and these lungs may have tumors in them but the Lord has promised a better home for me, so whether i inherit the promise of a better life here on earth or in heaven- it is coming and this gives me hope to live another day.

THE END

life in a sunscorched land

there are four very tall sunflowers in the garden.
no one has been home to water them for the past week- no one waters them when we are home...yet they grow.

life in a dry and thirsty land. somehow they are taken care of.
there is something about sunflowers that i have always loved.
i love the orange petals and brown and black center, i love how huge they are.
i love that no matter where you are in the world that they always look at the sun.
a few hours ago when i got home they were looking up- now their heavy heads are hanging only to lift again with the sun in the morning.

i know i'm like i am like a sunflower. especially in red bluff where it is so hot. sometime i feel like there is no one to water me to help me grow in a sense, yet i do.
i MUST look a the Son. when the dark times come, i hang my head, but the light always comes again.

the sunflower is marvelous.
it is strong.

i didn't necessarily come to the computer tonight to write about flowers but when you have a lot on your mind you can relate to anything...even a flower.

so- tonight if your head if hanging, don't worry look to the Son to pick it up because He won't let you down. He loves you- cares for you.
And if He can provide water and strength for a sunflower to lift its 5 pound head on its own every day- how much more is He going to love and provide for you?

i'm saying this to myself as well.
so long and goodnight my friends.