something to say about this.

It was kind of like a cigarette thrown out of a moving car onto some brush in lake elsinore. Up in flames and there was nothing to stop it. What the heck am I referring to? Well, my newly diagnosed disease of course, the latent incurable Lymes.

It wasn’t more than a couple months ago when I got back from the family vacation I had a phone call from the doctors office, they told me my test from the Igenix lab had come back positive. To me this was worse than hearing that I had cancer; #1 reason in this is because Lymes most often does not kill you. This would be a battle I would fight for the rest of my life, and I had to make a choice whether or not I would be strong. With cancer maybe you face chemo once or twice, with Lymes depending upon how old you are you can go through treatment multiple times in your life; every 10 years is average.

Well, if you read that little excerpt deal at the top of my page it says “ Here’s to taking what He’s given me, which may not be a glass that’s full, but it’s not a glass that’s required to be half empty. Here’s to the life more abundant.” The Lord has spoken to my broken life through John 10:10 which speaks of Himself; Jesus as the Good Shepherd and He says “I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.”

What is a more abundant life? A life more full, a life full of life. Not a life struggling in death.

I felt compelled to write about my disease, I haven’t written a long drawn out essay like thing in a long time and I most definitely haven’t written about my sickness; and I wanted to write and I wanted you all to read this and to understand.
Most people with Lymes somewhat go into hiding, they do relapse with their symptoms, their employers can’t understand and because of this even their faith is compromised. What I have seen in Lymes disease as of late is very discouraging and disheartening and makes me want to live out loud more than ever. I feel like the Lord has called me to live with this to comfort those who are also suffering (2 Corin. 1:4). I know the Lord does not want me to be a typical Lymes patient. Even during this chemo process I refuse to hide out because He has given me life and if this sickness is not unto death but for the glory of God(John11:4) I will serve Him, with my heart, with my voice, if I can’t with this body.

I believe that I live an abundant life. I have nothing, yet I have it all, because I have my Savior. To the unbeliever, yes you will look at me and evaluate my circumstances and say that I have lost everything; dropping out of college, no car, no job, living with my parents- but the peace that I have in my soul I would not trade for a car or a job or a scholarship.

It’s going to be a long road ahead, one I can’t image right now. The pain is waring and the puking is tiring. For five days I threw up this week. I am not even 2 months into treatment. I had to get off a skype call with Erica in Spain to throw up, I cried, not from the pain, but from the pain in my heart from what this does emotionally. I always bounce back, new adventures give a person a new sense of humor and this I have found.

But I am here, writing, ultimately to tell you how big my God is. To remind you all that there is no Good Shepherd who does not lead His sheep. Lymes disease is the worst thing in the world to me, I hate it so much I haven’t even cared to learn about it or read on it…I simply learn as I go.

I thought things had been rough the past 6 years. This last birthday I thought, hey my 20’s are gonna be a different story, I’m going to get better. The Lord said, “Yes and No” Things have to get so much worse before they get better. i am in it for the long haul, too far gone to cop out now. Optimism is my only choice and realism is definitely a reality, yet I will keep moving.

The other day I couldn’t stop throwing up, I was in the living room on the floor and a verse came to mind
“But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.” Isaiah 40:31
And I cried out to the Lord and said “I WANT TO RUN, and I want to not be weary…or just to walk Lord, let me walk” but what I was asking was more a demand of the Lord.
And he said to me “But they that WAIT” and tears came to my eyes knowing this will be a long and drawn out battle, yet one worth waiting for.
My 20’s are going to be great. Optimism is going to pay off. My Good Shepherd is going to lead me and Lymes is not going to win because Jesus Christ has overcome this world.

Jesus was waiting for me to be completely weak to show Himself completely strong, and that He is.

breakup

i guess my 3 in 1 video blogs said it all kinda-sorta as to what is going on as of late. you all really got to see it all. this has been quite the fight. and for the past 6 years i have been begging someone to fight for me. but all along i have been begging the wrong person. i have gone to MD after MD, someone smarter to someone smarter begging, then pleading with them to find pleasure in my eyes and to be willing to fight for my life.
no one has been willing.
they all have given up on me.
after 6 years. i have gone through this extremely treacherous fight and i feel like i have finally given up the fight with them and broken it off...goodbye Stanford, goodbye to the whole lot of doctors i have seen in these past 6 years that have done jack-squat for me.
i want to move on, i want to see the world, i want to finish bible college and go on to nursing school, but unfortunately right now these things must wait.
of course over this fall i'll be working towards my graduation from bible college by taking online classes...i refuse to start and quit.

it's funny, i highly considered deleting this blog last week. it was a goner. see you later! it started out as something that was just an online journal and then suddenly everyone started reading it and i had to be a little more careful about what i wrote.
if this blog was not online, it would have been burned last week. why? well, because it has everything to do with my sickness.
in sickness and in health.
that's pretty much my motto here on 'when the curls fall out'.
and the curls fell out a few days ago i realized.

the title actually came from a poem i wrote when i was younger. i wrote it when i had pin straight hair and curling it was only for special occasions and by the end of the night the curls would always have fallen and the event would be over, everything would be done.
a few lines from this poem went...
when the curls fell out
they fell with my world
looking for someone to give them a twirl...

and how true is that? at least for me. ultimately i wrote this about the Lord and how when everything fall around you. when the show is over and your world seems to be caving in and you're begging SOMEONE TO FIGHT FOR YOU , you need to look at who you've been asking to fight.

i was asking doctors to plead my cause.
now my world has fallen, just as these curls have fallen out but does it not say numerous times in the bible that the Lord is a Man of war!?

He lives to fight for us!

so, i am not here for pity or to prove that i have suffered for 6 years and that i am miserable and sad, i am here to prove that my Redeemer lives and He shall stand at last on the Earth. we all suffer in our different ways, whether financially or in relationships or spiritually or emotionally- we all have battles.

who is fighting for you?

i love you all so much and i deeply appreciate all the comments and messages on facebook and the texts and phone calls- you all are such a blessing, i can't describe it with words...i really can't or i start crying like a fool, you know me;)
anyways, be blessed you guys and stick around the blog. the blog will stay. because it's not for me anymore- this is for His glory and if it ever gets carnal it'll go buh-bye.
i will for sure have another post in a couple weeks when i get results of this Lymes test.

all my love- jordie

Are You seeing this?

Psalm 56:8 "You number my wanderings; Put my tears in Your bottle; Are they not in Your book? When I cry out to You, my enemies will turn back, This I know; Because God is for me."

The most recent feelings have been ones of abandonment and failure. To tell you the truth I hadn't cried since I was in Italy, but the other day I did, I let it all out, I couldn't contain my disgust with myself.
I feel as though I have let myself down as I have let down the rest of the world. Anyone who has expected anything from me will be disappointed. I felt as though Christ was immensely disappointed in me as well. I knew for once that He was the only one who could love me because I am not very lovable in this state of confusion and chaos.
Once again I felt as if I was not heard, so I stopped talking. So I thank you all who have been interceding on my behalf.
I have been caught up in the Psalms and it seems like David is a lot like me, he says how wonderful God is and all His greatness is in one chapter and then it goes to the next where David is begging to be delivered from his enemies and asking fervently for God to hear him. Bu though all of this, he knows that God catches every tear that falls from his face.
If God keeps these salty little capsules of emotions, they must mean something to Him. It's hard to imagine that He cares to keep them in His bottle, that He cares to know my pain.
Yesterday I was faced with yet another burden I had to take on. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. Yeah, weird word, weird disease. There's actually no way of testing for it besides seeing where you are most sensitive. My doctor tested me by pushing on spots on my body, all were very painful. She said all were positive for this disease.
My dad has this disease, he's lived with it for a long while now, but he never had it when he was as young as I am. He still does things as much as he can handle, but life is somewhat tougher. There is no cure for Fibromyalgia, you just have to live with it. Putting another disease on my list is not my idea of "an answer"...it's just making me more and more sick. This changed my outlook a lot.
For the past week I have been very depressed. I had never really understood depression before, but in this last week I have felt it like an ocean swallowing me up. I have had no joy in anything. All has seemed to be lost. I wonder how anyone will ever love me in this condition...like Lenny Kensington. If I were a guy, Jordyn Wagner would be the last person I would want to be with. Maybe I'm selfish, but I think I'd want to have fun. Well I can be fun, but my diseases definitely debilitate me. I know I will never have kids of my own. I won't be able to get pregnant someday, I won't and wouldn't want to...I wouldn't want to impose my condition on my child. These are just wants, but it still makes me feel weird.
So I ask God if He's seeing all of this.

"Hey You up there on Your high pedestal...can you see down here! Do you see this chaos that is running my life! Do you see that I'm not normal, that I am a drag to be around, that my dreams have been crushed by these darn diseases! Hey You- listen to me!"

I don't know if everyone screams at God. But it's something I have done a lot of recently. I know He hears me...secretly I believe it. Secretly I believe that He does love me, because He's not the average man, He died for me.
This love consumes me, but it makes me wonder what I'll be doing in my next few years, in the next 10 years. Where will I be?
I wanted to be a doctor. Not for the paycheck, or for the degree, but to sincerely help people. From there I wanted to go to Africa and Eastern Europe to those orphanages who have no medical attention. Right now, this seems like it will never happen. Right now all my dreams have crumbled to the floor.
But life goes on. Today I'm gonna go watch beautiful 7 year old Samantha play Christmas music on the piano at the Hallmark store. I'm going to put up the Christmas tree and wash the dishes and iron some clothes and look at myself in the mirror and convince myself that I am still alive, and that I am for a reason, although I cannot see why.
Are you seeing this?
My side of the story.
For all of you who have been praying for me and convincing me not to give up I thank you millions. Thank you Jenni for helping me at my lowest. Thank you Erin for your words of love that mean more than anything else. Thank you Stevie for praying with me. Thank you Mirah for being here for me consistently and loving all my flaws. Thank you to so many other people who just mean the world to me, if you're reading this, you are one of the those people.
Oh, and as of late, I was at the hospital today getting blood work done. Testing for sickel cell anemia, rhumatoid problems and bone cancer.
Secretly I want someone to hold my hand constantly.(Isaiah 41:13)

For all of you that I thought I was strong, and to myself included; I am not.
It's a good thing to remember, because somehow when we are weak, God is strong...for us. Like super strong, maybe stronger than He usually is, because He makes up for all we lack. That's all for now. I'll be back soon.

Called to be sick.

So I’ve been figuring out that my approach to life itself has just sucked.
Everything changes though when you wake up tomorrow morning so much worse than you were yesterday. "Dangit! Why did I lie around all day? I could have done something"
I guess life is full of regrets.

This past week seemed like one I’d never get through. But the Lord is good. The Lord has given to me people that I just couldn't live without. People who have encouraged me, sent me letters, sent me verses, talked to me on the phone and just been there for me, no to pity party with me but to talk me out of my selfishness.
Being sick tends to lead to slothfulness.

If you've never had a debilitating disease you won't understand, but for those of you who do, it's pretty ridiculous, but something you can't really help.
This week I had the opportunity to go down to Murrieta. I passed it up. When something like this comes up- I am suddenly not sick anymore and I am ready to face the world. My parents had to talk to me and show me physically how weak I am.
So I was brought back to one of my favorite books of the bible. 1 Corinthians. God bless Paul. He had some good words to say, words from the Lord of course.

In chapter 7, Paul is talking about marriage mostly. He says in verse 20 to "remain in the calling in which you were called".
What the junk is that? That’s what I thought the first time I read it.
All this "callings" stuff just usually goes right over my head. Paul is saying that if you're married, stay married. If you're single, live a single lifestyle, not striving for what you don't have.

So- this is what I came to. I asked myself- "What is my calling?"
and I sat and I thought and I stood and I thought and I looked at something different and I thought and I came to the conclusion that at least for my teen years God has called me to be sick.
Since I was 13 I've struggled with health problems, all different, all strange diseases and each time the Lord has brought me through it. So here I am, sick again. But knowing that I need to live in the calling in which I was called.
Why would God have a mission for me as a sick person?

I feel pretty useless every day. I sit on my butt and accomplish...usually nothing. But with this time God has given me an opportunity to pray, to pray a lot. He's given me opportunities to write letters to hurting people. He's given me time to listen to chuck tracks and actually meditate on what I'm learning.
This pain may be a hindrance, but it's what God uses for me to see Him more clearly.

Ok- so this might be really long and if you want to give up reading...I don't blame you. But when I was in Italy just a few weeks ago I was studying 2 Corinthians. In one of my assignments I was to read the book in its entirety. So, I read and it was all good, nothing had really struck my attention until I came to chapter 12...and tears filled my eyes and I knew what Paul was saying because verses 7-10 are my life story. Verses 7-10 are my calling.
Vs.7- and lest I should be exalted above measure by the abundance of revelations, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I be exalted above measure.
Paul's thorn definitely hindered him; at times he couldn't go on his missionary journeys because he was sick. I love how he calls it a messenger of Satan. I like to call my diseases Satan as well.
Vs.8- concerning this thing, I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me.
This is what got to me. I have pleaded with the Lord countless times to remove these diseases from me so that I can fully function. Once the Lord did- and for that I cannot thank Him enough, as of 2 years ago I should have been blind...permanently. The Lord has restored my sight.
Vs.9- and He said to me

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness"

. Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
How many times has the Lord said this to you?
He is completely all that we need, although when weak, it is the perfect excuse to need something more. To boast in my sickness though? I do praise Jesus for what my diseases have made me because I cannot imagine the person I would be today if I had not been sick all these years. His strength in weakness has preserved me!
Vs.10- therefore I take please in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Am I happy with being sick? No. I want to run. I want to feel the wind in my face again. I want to be able to pick up all the little kids that I love. I want to be able to work and pay of these hospital bills. My sickness has been a burden. But Jesus has asked me to stop. To stop fighting. To stop carrying this burden. He's asked me to lay it down at His cross. As much as I hate this burden, I hold onto this. I hold onto the fact that I could be sick forever. I could be in pain. I could possibly never live a normal life; never have a job and so on.

I dwell on these things until it makes me sick.
But He has said, “Come to me, you who are heavy laden and I will give you rest. Take My yoke, learn from Me, I am gentle and you will find rest for your soul. My yoke is easy and my burden is light”.
It’s time to give up once again. To give up myself. And to take what He’s given me, which is a glass not filled, but a glass that’s not required to be half empty.
Here’s to a calling that sounds crazy…to being sick…and to being ok with that.

Hope this comes as some sort of encouragement who have been a world of help to me.
With all my love from my dented couch,
Jordyn