premature

this is purely just to spill.
I think I’ll just cry until I can’t feel anymore.
I sat in the car looking out the windows at the most beautiful hills in the world- with the green and red and brown and yellow trees.
We came to the restaurant where all my Italian friends were.
We ate a table made for a king and all his court.
And we drove back and my heart broke.
I stared at my packed bags. My prematurely packed bags.
This is not December. Now is when I ask God why these things happen.
tomorrow i will be on a plane- a plane in venice, a plane in frankfurt,a plane in denver, a plane to sacramento and then the roadtrip back home to my red room.
I know home will be fine, I’ll see my doctors and eventually I will be better.
But tonight- I’m not understanding at all, not understanding why He allowed me to stay long enough to learn to love and took me away soon enough so that I would break for these new brothers and sisters that I love.by the way...one year ago today I headed home from bible college in Murrieta to have heart surgery. Going in circles? I think so. This is my wilderness. Literally. My lungs hurt and I cannot get enough oxygen- this makes everything even harder…dangit.

this is my life guys- be jealous.

by the way- i'm not bitter, just hurting.