this is different.

it's a weird feeling to be falling apart physically.
i was up and about the other day and felt my heart racing, i looked at my chest to see it pounding through my chest.
kinda cool- but not at all normal.
i've fallen apart emotionally many times.
as tired as i feel with classes and all i can't help but be blessed; well the Lord can't help but bless me. He loves me, through all my unworthiness and it pretty much rocks my socks.
my class; ruth and esther has been amazing, it's tough to stay awake, yet i listen and get so blessed, simply by God's word. i don't see myself really as a ruth or an esther, yet i know that God is working behind the scenes in my life as well and that he ultimately desires to give me a future and a hope- something to hold onto.
He longs to redeem me. my next project is a research paper on the Kinsman Redeemer.
5 pages at the least usually scares me, but i am kind of excited to get into this and learn more about my Savior.
tonight i go to Southwest Juvenille Hall as every tuesday night and share a bible study with unit 4. i'm not sure what to share on, but it will come, because the Lord never fails.
Noah's memorial service is this saturday and i wish that i could spend 500 dollars on a plane ticket...i would give anything to be there for Jenna. my heart still hurts, i find that tears still come to my eyes. i am afraid to talk to her, because i'm afraid of these tears that come all too often- I want to be strong for her, yet I am still so weak. only God can be her strength...i wish i had more to offer, but all I have left is my Savior.
I learned His name today- El Shaddai- He is enough, He is the One who will bring me to the end of myself to find He who is all powerful. He holds it all- and this is only one of His names. How beautiful.
I've learned a lot about names in this class- I wish my name meant something, it means "decending" or something...nothing great, but i am not great- God deserves all these names..if only we called Him this more often.
On thursday I will go back to Dr. Chung for an echocardiogram, I will see my heart on a screen and hopefully have something to glean from this appointment.
life has been good- i am dreading going home, the fellowship here is like nothing else on this earth- yet i know the Lord will bless my time back in Red Bluff just like everything else.
I have no room to doubt him.
15 days remain and this may be the last blog coming from CCBC for my 4th semester...i'll be home soon. I wish I could go home and be well- this is my desire- but I will go home and not be able to do much more than rest...but during this time my goal is not to forget that the Lord, my God, my El Shaddai will still be working behind the scenes of my life.
so here's to a the end of a chapter, the end of 4th semester and on to whatever the Lord may bring; it scares me not knowing what to expect, yet it's not mine to worry about. If the Lord gives the birds food and a nest I am sure that He will take care of me, I'm His child and He's promised not to abandon me.
I hope I remember this when a few weeks go by and times get tougher.
For all you reading- remind me of this.