i would have.

A conversation with a friend reminded me today of a lot of things.
This talk reminded me of how far I have come, well not how far I have come, but how far the Lord, my God has brought me. 5 years ago I would have never guessed my life to be like this and I look at it now and I am shocked to tell you the truth. But as I was talking with a well loved friend today, this person asked me how I’ve done it. How I have conquered my demons and walked through these flames to see that I am still amidst a trial. And I told him, “I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.” King David’s words.
And this; my friends is true. I would have given up, long ago. I would have given up 5 years ago unless I had believed that the Lord’s promises are true. That he promises that there will be a day when he will personally wipe the tears from my face and where pain will only be a memory. I would have given up if I had believed that my God was lying. I am still going because I believe that although I wake up every day in pain that this God who has brought me all this way into the wilderness will be just as faithful to bring me all that way into the promised land…even if that land is heaven and not an easier life on earth.
I will wait on the Lord and be of good courage because He has promised to strengthen my heart. This is an emotional battle now, the pain has become natural, it has become a part of me, but the lump I feel rising in my throat when I think of my life is not a physical pain. It seems unfair, I see people around me every day, people who have not been good to me in the past and their lives are glorious to say the least. They have been blessed beyond measure, even after they have left the Lord for their worldly lusts and these fading treasures, they have lived dishonest lives and yet they are continually blessed. Why can’t I be blessed? Well I am. Just in different ways. The Lord told us not to covet another’s house or wife, I think the Lord meant “life” instead. He has different ways of getting people’s attention. He has captivated mine. I’ll continue to watch these people live their perfect lives and be grateful for my own, to be grateful that I am alive. That the Lord has kept me. He has allowed me to believe. That he has brought me to not doubt His goodness.
These years have been long. And I realize as march approaches that my teen years will be over, and what do I have to remember but a bunch of doctor visits and painful tests. But I am reminded of Pastor Chuck’s words about victory and that being a victor doesn’t only apply to how you win the fight, but it is how you fight during the battle. Be victorious while you fight your battles. Know that the devil wants you, but that the One that is fighting for you is the One that is holding your world. Also remember that as He holds your small world, it is very easy for Him to turn it upside-down and when He does so, remember that He knows what He is doing. Never would I think that He would hold mine this way for 5 years, but His ways are much higher than mine, so much I cannot attain it.
Jesus- I commit my life to you. I commit my diseases to you and all that is within me. My burdens are too much for me to bear on my own. You are everything, help me to stop striving to change what’s going on.