Are You seeing this?

Psalm 56:8 "You number my wanderings; Put my tears in Your bottle; Are they not in Your book? When I cry out to You, my enemies will turn back, This I know; Because God is for me."

The most recent feelings have been ones of abandonment and failure. To tell you the truth I hadn't cried since I was in Italy, but the other day I did, I let it all out, I couldn't contain my disgust with myself.
I feel as though I have let myself down as I have let down the rest of the world. Anyone who has expected anything from me will be disappointed. I felt as though Christ was immensely disappointed in me as well. I knew for once that He was the only one who could love me because I am not very lovable in this state of confusion and chaos.
Once again I felt as if I was not heard, so I stopped talking. So I thank you all who have been interceding on my behalf.
I have been caught up in the Psalms and it seems like David is a lot like me, he says how wonderful God is and all His greatness is in one chapter and then it goes to the next where David is begging to be delivered from his enemies and asking fervently for God to hear him. Bu though all of this, he knows that God catches every tear that falls from his face.
If God keeps these salty little capsules of emotions, they must mean something to Him. It's hard to imagine that He cares to keep them in His bottle, that He cares to know my pain.
Yesterday I was faced with yet another burden I had to take on. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. Yeah, weird word, weird disease. There's actually no way of testing for it besides seeing where you are most sensitive. My doctor tested me by pushing on spots on my body, all were very painful. She said all were positive for this disease.
My dad has this disease, he's lived with it for a long while now, but he never had it when he was as young as I am. He still does things as much as he can handle, but life is somewhat tougher. There is no cure for Fibromyalgia, you just have to live with it. Putting another disease on my list is not my idea of "an answer"...it's just making me more and more sick. This changed my outlook a lot.
For the past week I have been very depressed. I had never really understood depression before, but in this last week I have felt it like an ocean swallowing me up. I have had no joy in anything. All has seemed to be lost. I wonder how anyone will ever love me in this condition...like Lenny Kensington. If I were a guy, Jordyn Wagner would be the last person I would want to be with. Maybe I'm selfish, but I think I'd want to have fun. Well I can be fun, but my diseases definitely debilitate me. I know I will never have kids of my own. I won't be able to get pregnant someday, I won't and wouldn't want to...I wouldn't want to impose my condition on my child. These are just wants, but it still makes me feel weird.
So I ask God if He's seeing all of this.

"Hey You up there on Your high pedestal...can you see down here! Do you see this chaos that is running my life! Do you see that I'm not normal, that I am a drag to be around, that my dreams have been crushed by these darn diseases! Hey You- listen to me!"

I don't know if everyone screams at God. But it's something I have done a lot of recently. I know He hears me...secretly I believe it. Secretly I believe that He does love me, because He's not the average man, He died for me.
This love consumes me, but it makes me wonder what I'll be doing in my next few years, in the next 10 years. Where will I be?
I wanted to be a doctor. Not for the paycheck, or for the degree, but to sincerely help people. From there I wanted to go to Africa and Eastern Europe to those orphanages who have no medical attention. Right now, this seems like it will never happen. Right now all my dreams have crumbled to the floor.
But life goes on. Today I'm gonna go watch beautiful 7 year old Samantha play Christmas music on the piano at the Hallmark store. I'm going to put up the Christmas tree and wash the dishes and iron some clothes and look at myself in the mirror and convince myself that I am still alive, and that I am for a reason, although I cannot see why.
Are you seeing this?
My side of the story.
For all of you who have been praying for me and convincing me not to give up I thank you millions. Thank you Jenni for helping me at my lowest. Thank you Erin for your words of love that mean more than anything else. Thank you Stevie for praying with me. Thank you Mirah for being here for me consistently and loving all my flaws. Thank you to so many other people who just mean the world to me, if you're reading this, you are one of the those people.
Oh, and as of late, I was at the hospital today getting blood work done. Testing for sickel cell anemia, rhumatoid problems and bone cancer.
Secretly I want someone to hold my hand constantly.(Isaiah 41:13)

For all of you that I thought I was strong, and to myself included; I am not.
It's a good thing to remember, because somehow when we are weak, God is strong...for us. Like super strong, maybe stronger than He usually is, because He makes up for all we lack. That's all for now. I'll be back soon.