then they turned around and walked the other way.

this fight is over.
the fight to find out what's wrong with these bones of mine.
a bone scan along with some x-rays were done this past week.
i got the call. the call once again that said that nothing is wrong with me.
now this is just a spiritual battle. well, always phsyical because i fight with my body all day every day and about pain mostly...but this time the fight is over.
i am no longer fighting for my health. the Lord is going to have to do that for me because nothing else can be done.
i am old and it's gonna stay that way until I really am old.

thanks for praying guys. i really appreciate it. it's hard when you see no results but you guys have kept my head above the water and that means the most. this ocean will not swallow me whole. all my love, jordyn

can't isn't a word.

don't tell me i CAN'T do something.

i know the state i am in.
and i know that this heart would not be beating right now if it weren't for what jesus has done.
i know my body would not be moving at all.
jesus is what moves me.
don't tell me that i CAN'T do what i want to.
because my wants are no longer for myself, they are for Him, they are for this world to see His light...because I have no light, but I want to be a mirror.

Lord, use me, despite their unbelief.

all that's left.

"This world has nothing for me, I will follow You"

As I tell many people after all I've been through, that you need to hold onto Jesus more than anything else, because when trial and tribulation strike, He will be all you have left to hold onto.

I have lost it all.

I already wrote on facebook about my physical therapy appointment today. It was kind of amazing because this doctor believed me that I was in pain and she wants to search for the answer to my pain. She explained what she thought about my case in her words, they sounded a lot like what mine would sound like if spoke more than I do.

She was amazed at what's going on at so young of an age. She was asking me how I ate, how I exercized and if I took my vitamins...I told her yes to everything, and she asked if I was lying because most 19 year olds could care less about their health. I said, well it's kind of been this way for 6 years, I've gotten used to it.
It's an amazing feeling to know how a 70 year old person feels like when I am only 19. It is amazing to know such loss as I have experienced. This phsyical therapist said, "You must feel like you have lost everything...that when you left Italy, that you lost your life."

And I sat in that room looking at her, amazed by her understanding and tears welled up in my eyes that try to hide so much.

Yes, I feel like I have lost my world. That I have been dropped like a bad call. Like dirt swept under the rug. But that's not the way it is, because I am alive.
I am 19 and I am more than sick, and probably will be for a long while, but I am holding onto what I know...Jesus.
He is ALL i have left.
School is gone, friends are gone, family is gone all in their different ways. I am misunderstood...But I am holding onto Him because He hasn't yet let go of me.
I owe everything to Him, because it's His cross that I am clinging so dearly to, and I won't let go, because if I did, I would have nothing and life would be lost, but as long as I have Jesus, the world is mine.
He alone is good!

fate?

what if you weren't where you needed to be when you needed to be there?
is it fate that these mistakes happen?
there's been a full moon for 3 days now and it's really making me wonder.
i'm gonna write a book.
because sometimes there are some things that i cannot forget about.
certain people i cannot forget about.
this book will be called sometime in september.
because that's when it all went down.
and the first line of this book will be "...and then there was just you and me."

i would have.

A conversation with a friend reminded me today of a lot of things.
This talk reminded me of how far I have come, well not how far I have come, but how far the Lord, my God has brought me. 5 years ago I would have never guessed my life to be like this and I look at it now and I am shocked to tell you the truth. But as I was talking with a well loved friend today, this person asked me how I’ve done it. How I have conquered my demons and walked through these flames to see that I am still amidst a trial. And I told him, “I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.” King David’s words.
And this; my friends is true. I would have given up, long ago. I would have given up 5 years ago unless I had believed that the Lord’s promises are true. That he promises that there will be a day when he will personally wipe the tears from my face and where pain will only be a memory. I would have given up if I had believed that my God was lying. I am still going because I believe that although I wake up every day in pain that this God who has brought me all this way into the wilderness will be just as faithful to bring me all that way into the promised land…even if that land is heaven and not an easier life on earth.
I will wait on the Lord and be of good courage because He has promised to strengthen my heart. This is an emotional battle now, the pain has become natural, it has become a part of me, but the lump I feel rising in my throat when I think of my life is not a physical pain. It seems unfair, I see people around me every day, people who have not been good to me in the past and their lives are glorious to say the least. They have been blessed beyond measure, even after they have left the Lord for their worldly lusts and these fading treasures, they have lived dishonest lives and yet they are continually blessed. Why can’t I be blessed? Well I am. Just in different ways. The Lord told us not to covet another’s house or wife, I think the Lord meant “life” instead. He has different ways of getting people’s attention. He has captivated mine. I’ll continue to watch these people live their perfect lives and be grateful for my own, to be grateful that I am alive. That the Lord has kept me. He has allowed me to believe. That he has brought me to not doubt His goodness.
These years have been long. And I realize as march approaches that my teen years will be over, and what do I have to remember but a bunch of doctor visits and painful tests. But I am reminded of Pastor Chuck’s words about victory and that being a victor doesn’t only apply to how you win the fight, but it is how you fight during the battle. Be victorious while you fight your battles. Know that the devil wants you, but that the One that is fighting for you is the One that is holding your world. Also remember that as He holds your small world, it is very easy for Him to turn it upside-down and when He does so, remember that He knows what He is doing. Never would I think that He would hold mine this way for 5 years, but His ways are much higher than mine, so much I cannot attain it.
Jesus- I commit my life to you. I commit my diseases to you and all that is within me. My burdens are too much for me to bear on my own. You are everything, help me to stop striving to change what’s going on.

i'll be hiding.

Appparently no one knows that I am hurting.
Appparently the hurt behind my eyes didn't even occur to my parents.
Well, we fleeced it out.
My mom told me that, "Not many people can tell that you're not OK, because you always appear smiling, how should anyone know how to help you...you're happy"

What I have figured over the years is that not many people can see past a smile, but there are few on this earth that can look straight into your eyes, they can see behind your eyes, they can see the tears that are hiding. That are hiding behind a smile made of fraud and bogus feelings.
Not many people can figure me out. The smile will kill, but I am not about to go to church or the grocery store moping like an idiot. I'll fake it until I die. I'll be hiding behind these pearly whites until someone can see past them.

It all comes down to trust. who do you trust to tell your feelings to? Well, to tell the truth, I really don't trust anyone. It'll get out someday. People who are genuine, people who are sincere will figure it out for themselves without a word coming from these lips of mine. It's worked out good for the past 5 years, why not continue?
People don't care enough to use common sense.
But the Lord sees, and the Lord hears, and He knows these secret tears. and He is all that matters. everything else has passed away. I have nothing, nothing but Him...and I am fine with that.

Roscoe.

A year ago my dog died.
A week before Christmas.
I had been at the hospital all day having tests done for my heart.
Roscoe had never had a healthy heart but I knew when he died, he gave it up for me.
Even though a whole year has come and gone, there is not one day that I don't think about Roscoe. He was my best friend.

-I talk to him when I'm lonesome like; and I'm sure he understands. When he looks at me so attentively, and gently licks my hands; then he rubs his nose on my tailored clothes, but I never say naught thereat. For the good Lord knows I can buy more clothes, but never a friend like that. ~W. Dayton Wedgefarth

I love you man.

PS. The picture was taken via webcam through Skype after I had left for my first semester of Bible College.