Thursday, February 9, 2012
a hankering in my soul
I never want to be ungrateful for what I have; I think that the day I take for granted what I have it will be taken away. But there are just some things that I just have a longing in my soul for...
1)Build- I just really want to build a house, a treehouse, anything creative, I love anything out of the ordinary and I want to be the maker of it. I just think it would be so awesome to say "Oh yeah, I built my house"
2)Learn Instruments- I learned piano a long time ago but the talent left with the years. Someday when my hands don't hurt so much I'll stay playing and songwriting. I just have to, my soul screams for that to be accomplished.
3)Nursing school/med school- I was born with a passion for medicine. A gift the Lord gave me, only He knew that I'd need that love for all things medical, and find humor and fun even in my tough circumstances. and...I know the Lord calls me to comfort others with the comfort I've recieved. I want to bring hope to the hopeless, wherever that is.
4)Have babies- oh my goodness I know not all people are like me but when I see a baby, hold a baby, it genuinely makes my day. I dream of my own babies, to have one of my very own, one I don't have to give back. A couple years ago when I was diagnosed with this terrible disease I was told I shouldn't have babies because the disease is spread just like an STD would be or any auto-immune disease(Lyme is actually a lot like AIDS) and I decided for myself and cried for weeks over the thought that I'd never be pregnant, have my own mini-me, or be able to provide my husband with his own flesh and blood. Over the year I've come to be content with the thought of adoption, even though I really think the Lord will come back before I ever get married and am ready for babies. Anyway, anyone who knows me knows that little ones are my heart...and I am so glad to have many preggo friends!
I am blessed, I have been given much and much has been taken away. I know one day the Lord will return strength to me; and with that strength I will be able to give back to Him whose given me life.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Monday, December 6, 2010
Redeeming a broken Body.
We ourselves . . . Groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies.
Romans 8:23
This groaning is common among God's people: To a greater or lesser extent we all feel it. It is not the groan of murmuring or complaint: It is a note of desire rather than of distress. Having received a deposit, we desire the rest of our portion; we are sighing that our entire manhood, in its trinity of spirit, soul, and body, may be set free from the last trace of the Fall; we long to discard the rags of corruption, weakness, and dishonor and to be clothed with incorruption, immortality, glory—the spiritual body that the Lord Jesus will bestow upon His people.
We long for the manifestation of our adoption as the children of God. "We . . . groan," but it is "inwardly." It is not the hypocrite's groan, by which he would make men believe that he is a saint because he is wretched. Our sighs are sacred things, too holy and too personal for us to broadcast. We keep our longings for our Lord to ourselves. Then the apostle says we "wait," by which we learn that we are not to be petulant, like Jonah or Elijah when they said, "Let me die"; nor are we to whimper and sigh for the end of life because we are tired of work or wish to escape from our present sufferings till the will of the Lord is done. We are to groan for glorification, but we are to wait patiently for it, knowing that what the Lord appoints is best.
Waiting implies being ready. We are to stand at the door expecting the Beloved to open it and take us away to Himself. This groaning is a test. You can learn a lot about a man by what he groans after. Some men groan after wealth—they worship money; some groan continually under the troubles of life—they are merely impatient. But the man who sighs after God, who is uneasy until he is made like Christ—that is the blessed man. May God help us to groan for the coming of the Lord and the resurrection that He will bring to us.- Charles Spurgeon
Yeah, don't you worry, I haven't become an amazing writer overnight. Although if my heart could speak everything that is inside with the words it dreams of spilling it would come onto a page just like this- thus why I am sharing it. Partly why I am sharing it on blogger, facebook sees tumblr now, some people don't like to see that heaven is the only place that I really want to be. the more I live the more I realize that Jordyn Ellyse was not made for planet earth, but rather a heavenly kingdom. And now it is only for the day that my body is redeemed that I live for, the day that I look my Savior in the face and with one look every tear I've ever cried is suddenly forgotten and the pain that right now I can't remember living without I then would never be disabled by but will be dancing for my Lord who has found joy in me and for years has rejoiced over me...even in this state.
Oh, for this day. Let us live. For we will be redeemed, we already have, but a better hope is coming.
Romans 8:23
This groaning is common among God's people: To a greater or lesser extent we all feel it. It is not the groan of murmuring or complaint: It is a note of desire rather than of distress. Having received a deposit, we desire the rest of our portion; we are sighing that our entire manhood, in its trinity of spirit, soul, and body, may be set free from the last trace of the Fall; we long to discard the rags of corruption, weakness, and dishonor and to be clothed with incorruption, immortality, glory—the spiritual body that the Lord Jesus will bestow upon His people.
We long for the manifestation of our adoption as the children of God. "We . . . groan," but it is "inwardly." It is not the hypocrite's groan, by which he would make men believe that he is a saint because he is wretched. Our sighs are sacred things, too holy and too personal for us to broadcast. We keep our longings for our Lord to ourselves. Then the apostle says we "wait," by which we learn that we are not to be petulant, like Jonah or Elijah when they said, "Let me die"; nor are we to whimper and sigh for the end of life because we are tired of work or wish to escape from our present sufferings till the will of the Lord is done. We are to groan for glorification, but we are to wait patiently for it, knowing that what the Lord appoints is best.
Waiting implies being ready. We are to stand at the door expecting the Beloved to open it and take us away to Himself. This groaning is a test. You can learn a lot about a man by what he groans after. Some men groan after wealth—they worship money; some groan continually under the troubles of life—they are merely impatient. But the man who sighs after God, who is uneasy until he is made like Christ—that is the blessed man. May God help us to groan for the coming of the Lord and the resurrection that He will bring to us.- Charles Spurgeon
Yeah, don't you worry, I haven't become an amazing writer overnight. Although if my heart could speak everything that is inside with the words it dreams of spilling it would come onto a page just like this- thus why I am sharing it. Partly why I am sharing it on blogger, facebook sees tumblr now, some people don't like to see that heaven is the only place that I really want to be. the more I live the more I realize that Jordyn Ellyse was not made for planet earth, but rather a heavenly kingdom. And now it is only for the day that my body is redeemed that I live for, the day that I look my Savior in the face and with one look every tear I've ever cried is suddenly forgotten and the pain that right now I can't remember living without I then would never be disabled by but will be dancing for my Lord who has found joy in me and for years has rejoiced over me...even in this state.
Oh, for this day. Let us live. For we will be redeemed, we already have, but a better hope is coming.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
something to say about this.
It was kind of like a cigarette thrown out of a moving car onto some brush in lake elsinore. Up in flames and there was nothing to stop it. What the heck am I referring to? Well, my newly diagnosed disease of course, the latent incurable Lymes.
It wasn’t more than a couple months ago when I got back from the family vacation I had a phone call from the doctors office, they told me my test from the Igenix lab had come back positive. To me this was worse than hearing that I had cancer; #1 reason in this is because Lymes most often does not kill you. This would be a battle I would fight for the rest of my life, and I had to make a choice whether or not I would be strong. With cancer maybe you face chemo once or twice, with Lymes depending upon how old you are you can go through treatment multiple times in your life; every 10 years is average.
Well, if you read that little excerpt deal at the top of my page it says “ Here’s to taking what He’s given me, which may not be a glass that’s full, but it’s not a glass that’s required to be half empty. Here’s to the life more abundant.” The Lord has spoken to my broken life through John 10:10 which speaks of Himself; Jesus as the Good Shepherd and He says “I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.”
What is a more abundant life? A life more full, a life full of life. Not a life struggling in death.
I felt compelled to write about my disease, I haven’t written a long drawn out essay like thing in a long time and I most definitely haven’t written about my sickness; and I wanted to write and I wanted you all to read this and to understand.
Most people with Lymes somewhat go into hiding, they do relapse with their symptoms, their employers can’t understand and because of this even their faith is compromised. What I have seen in Lymes disease as of late is very discouraging and disheartening and makes me want to live out loud more than ever. I feel like the Lord has called me to live with this to comfort those who are also suffering (2 Corin. 1:4). I know the Lord does not want me to be a typical Lymes patient. Even during this chemo process I refuse to hide out because He has given me life and if this sickness is not unto death but for the glory of God(John11:4) I will serve Him, with my heart, with my voice, if I can’t with this body.
I believe that I live an abundant life. I have nothing, yet I have it all, because I have my Savior. To the unbeliever, yes you will look at me and evaluate my circumstances and say that I have lost everything; dropping out of college, no car, no job, living with my parents- but the peace that I have in my soul I would not trade for a car or a job or a scholarship.
It’s going to be a long road ahead, one I can’t image right now. The pain is waring and the puking is tiring. For five days I threw up this week. I am not even 2 months into treatment. I had to get off a skype call with Erica in Spain to throw up, I cried, not from the pain, but from the pain in my heart from what this does emotionally. I always bounce back, new adventures give a person a new sense of humor and this I have found.
But I am here, writing, ultimately to tell you how big my God is. To remind you all that there is no Good Shepherd who does not lead His sheep. Lymes disease is the worst thing in the world to me, I hate it so much I haven’t even cared to learn about it or read on it…I simply learn as I go.
I thought things had been rough the past 6 years. This last birthday I thought, hey my 20’s are gonna be a different story, I’m going to get better. The Lord said, “Yes and No” Things have to get so much worse before they get better. i am in it for the long haul, too far gone to cop out now. Optimism is my only choice and realism is definitely a reality, yet I will keep moving.
The other day I couldn’t stop throwing up, I was in the living room on the floor and a verse came to mind
“But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.” Isaiah 40:31
And I cried out to the Lord and said “I WANT TO RUN, and I want to not be weary…or just to walk Lord, let me walk” but what I was asking was more a demand of the Lord.
And he said to me “But they that WAIT” and tears came to my eyes knowing this will be a long and drawn out battle, yet one worth waiting for.
My 20’s are going to be great. Optimism is going to pay off. My Good Shepherd is going to lead me and Lymes is not going to win because Jesus Christ has overcome this world.
Jesus was waiting for me to be completely weak to show Himself completely strong, and that He is.
It wasn’t more than a couple months ago when I got back from the family vacation I had a phone call from the doctors office, they told me my test from the Igenix lab had come back positive. To me this was worse than hearing that I had cancer; #1 reason in this is because Lymes most often does not kill you. This would be a battle I would fight for the rest of my life, and I had to make a choice whether or not I would be strong. With cancer maybe you face chemo once or twice, with Lymes depending upon how old you are you can go through treatment multiple times in your life; every 10 years is average.
Well, if you read that little excerpt deal at the top of my page it says “ Here’s to taking what He’s given me, which may not be a glass that’s full, but it’s not a glass that’s required to be half empty. Here’s to the life more abundant.” The Lord has spoken to my broken life through John 10:10 which speaks of Himself; Jesus as the Good Shepherd and He says “I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.”
What is a more abundant life? A life more full, a life full of life. Not a life struggling in death.
I felt compelled to write about my disease, I haven’t written a long drawn out essay like thing in a long time and I most definitely haven’t written about my sickness; and I wanted to write and I wanted you all to read this and to understand.
Most people with Lymes somewhat go into hiding, they do relapse with their symptoms, their employers can’t understand and because of this even their faith is compromised. What I have seen in Lymes disease as of late is very discouraging and disheartening and makes me want to live out loud more than ever. I feel like the Lord has called me to live with this to comfort those who are also suffering (2 Corin. 1:4). I know the Lord does not want me to be a typical Lymes patient. Even during this chemo process I refuse to hide out because He has given me life and if this sickness is not unto death but for the glory of God(John11:4) I will serve Him, with my heart, with my voice, if I can’t with this body.
I believe that I live an abundant life. I have nothing, yet I have it all, because I have my Savior. To the unbeliever, yes you will look at me and evaluate my circumstances and say that I have lost everything; dropping out of college, no car, no job, living with my parents- but the peace that I have in my soul I would not trade for a car or a job or a scholarship.
It’s going to be a long road ahead, one I can’t image right now. The pain is waring and the puking is tiring. For five days I threw up this week. I am not even 2 months into treatment. I had to get off a skype call with Erica in Spain to throw up, I cried, not from the pain, but from the pain in my heart from what this does emotionally. I always bounce back, new adventures give a person a new sense of humor and this I have found.
But I am here, writing, ultimately to tell you how big my God is. To remind you all that there is no Good Shepherd who does not lead His sheep. Lymes disease is the worst thing in the world to me, I hate it so much I haven’t even cared to learn about it or read on it…I simply learn as I go.
I thought things had been rough the past 6 years. This last birthday I thought, hey my 20’s are gonna be a different story, I’m going to get better. The Lord said, “Yes and No” Things have to get so much worse before they get better. i am in it for the long haul, too far gone to cop out now. Optimism is my only choice and realism is definitely a reality, yet I will keep moving.
The other day I couldn’t stop throwing up, I was in the living room on the floor and a verse came to mind
“But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.” Isaiah 40:31
And I cried out to the Lord and said “I WANT TO RUN, and I want to not be weary…or just to walk Lord, let me walk” but what I was asking was more a demand of the Lord.
And he said to me “But they that WAIT” and tears came to my eyes knowing this will be a long and drawn out battle, yet one worth waiting for.
My 20’s are going to be great. Optimism is going to pay off. My Good Shepherd is going to lead me and Lymes is not going to win because Jesus Christ has overcome this world.
Jesus was waiting for me to be completely weak to show Himself completely strong, and that He is.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
torn
i don't know what i'm doing.
i don't want to give up blogger but i must tell you that tumblr is waaaaay easier to use. and that's where i have been.
but i still come to blogger every so often.
i need guidance.
anyways, until i make up my mind, you can find me at http://www.whenthecurlsfellout.tumblr.com
love to you all:)
jordie
i don't want to give up blogger but i must tell you that tumblr is waaaaay easier to use. and that's where i have been.
but i still come to blogger every so often.
i need guidance.
anyways, until i make up my mind, you can find me at http://www.whenthecurlsfellout.tumblr.com
love to you all:)
jordie
Friday, September 3, 2010
sickbed playlist
1. Can I Stay By Vitamin String Quartet
2. Sufficient By Adie
3. Moonlight Sonata By Beethoven
4. Times By Tenth Avenue North
5. Everything Falls by Fee
6. Breathe In Breathe Out By Mat Kearney
7. Before the Throne of God Above (favorite!)
8. Unashamed By Starfield
9. Vanilla Twilight By Owl City
10. You Can Shake the Mountains By LIfehouse
11. Something Beautiful By Needtobreathe
12. That's What I'm Here For By Jason Castro
13. The Girl By City and Colour
14. One Day By Matisyahu
15. Living For Your Glory By Tim Hughes
16. The Boat Song By Ryan Montbleau
17. Say Hey By Michael Franti
18. Spirit Waltz By Something Like Silas
19. Young Pilgrims By The Shins
20. 23 By Jimmy Eat World
21. Jesus Paid It All
there is some secular in this playlist, but i must tell you all that the only thing that making the barfing and the pain any better is raising my hands and turning my volume all the way up on my laptop and having a worship sesh with my Creator.
He is Worthy of all my praise!
2. Sufficient By Adie
3. Moonlight Sonata By Beethoven
4. Times By Tenth Avenue North
5. Everything Falls by Fee
6. Breathe In Breathe Out By Mat Kearney
7. Before the Throne of God Above (favorite!)
8. Unashamed By Starfield
9. Vanilla Twilight By Owl City
10. You Can Shake the Mountains By LIfehouse
11. Something Beautiful By Needtobreathe
12. That's What I'm Here For By Jason Castro
13. The Girl By City and Colour
14. One Day By Matisyahu
15. Living For Your Glory By Tim Hughes
16. The Boat Song By Ryan Montbleau
17. Say Hey By Michael Franti
18. Spirit Waltz By Something Like Silas
19. Young Pilgrims By The Shins
20. 23 By Jimmy Eat World
21. Jesus Paid It All
there is some secular in this playlist, but i must tell you all that the only thing that making the barfing and the pain any better is raising my hands and turning my volume all the way up on my laptop and having a worship sesh with my Creator.
He is Worthy of all my praise!
Monday, August 30, 2010
tell me everything
i'll never be ready.
babysitting is a great way to prep for life; i have found.
i realize this more and more every day.
it seems that every time we play hide and seek when i call out at the top of my lungs "READY OR NOT HERE I COME!" some little person hiding screams back at me, "I'M NOT READY!"...yes, that's why i just told you, ready or not.
the whole point of the game is catching the stragglers.
i love chasing 2 year old lizzie down the hall when she claims it's not fair because the others are bigger and better at hiding- but i get a kick out of her grouchy little face when she sees me coming after just spinning in circles for 20 seconds while she's supposed to be hiding.
well, these doctors are screaming ready or not at me and i am desperately wanting to say i'm not ready, but i feel just a little too shy.
a little change in plans is that my treatment will not happen at st. elizabeth's in red bluff, but will go down at enloe in chico instead because my doctor in red bluff would not co-sign the order for the treatment- she thinks that this way far out and that it's gonna mess me up a lot(which it will) and that there are way too many risks and possibilities of getting lupus with the antibiotics that i will be taking orally with the IV antibiotics. she is not a fan. she also doesn't understand that i have been looking for a cure (or at least for some sort of small answer)for 6 years now!
my doctors are thinking that they don't want to see their 20 year old patient living like this, but i actually have to live this. the worries of infections in my PIC line and infections other places and having super low immunities over the next 3-6 months.
when i have a definite date from the hospital i'll post on facebook when the pic surgery will be.
right now i just feel lonely- it's been a really long summer. i feel like everyone should be coming home and things are just getting started- it's like a 7 month semester...not ok with me.
anyways, my friends susie- the one with stage 3 colon cancer, she was at church on sunday and i got to talk with her for a long time. we sat together and cried together.
i told her how funny it is to me, because of all people i have the most compassion for her as she goes through this battle, yet as i talk with the Lord, He tells me to have more compassion and that verse always comes to mind to
our Lord is good.He has given us eachother and He will bring us through.
babysitting is a great way to prep for life; i have found.
i realize this more and more every day.
it seems that every time we play hide and seek when i call out at the top of my lungs "READY OR NOT HERE I COME!" some little person hiding screams back at me, "I'M NOT READY!"...yes, that's why i just told you, ready or not.
the whole point of the game is catching the stragglers.
i love chasing 2 year old lizzie down the hall when she claims it's not fair because the others are bigger and better at hiding- but i get a kick out of her grouchy little face when she sees me coming after just spinning in circles for 20 seconds while she's supposed to be hiding.
well, these doctors are screaming ready or not at me and i am desperately wanting to say i'm not ready, but i feel just a little too shy.
a little change in plans is that my treatment will not happen at st. elizabeth's in red bluff, but will go down at enloe in chico instead because my doctor in red bluff would not co-sign the order for the treatment- she thinks that this way far out and that it's gonna mess me up a lot(which it will) and that there are way too many risks and possibilities of getting lupus with the antibiotics that i will be taking orally with the IV antibiotics. she is not a fan. she also doesn't understand that i have been looking for a cure (or at least for some sort of small answer)for 6 years now!
my doctors are thinking that they don't want to see their 20 year old patient living like this, but i actually have to live this. the worries of infections in my PIC line and infections other places and having super low immunities over the next 3-6 months.
when i have a definite date from the hospital i'll post on facebook when the pic surgery will be.
right now i just feel lonely- it's been a really long summer. i feel like everyone should be coming home and things are just getting started- it's like a 7 month semester...not ok with me.
anyways, my friends susie- the one with stage 3 colon cancer, she was at church on sunday and i got to talk with her for a long time. we sat together and cried together.
i told her how funny it is to me, because of all people i have the most compassion for her as she goes through this battle, yet as i talk with the Lord, He tells me to have more compassion and that verse always comes to mind to
"Rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep". i thought i had what i takes to weep with susie through this time, yet it wasn't enough- the Lord said He wanted me to experience the hospitals and the PIC line that she has and the chemo as well.
our Lord is good.He has given us eachother and He will bring us through.
Friday, August 27, 2010
now or later? probs now and later.
upping the date.
saw dr. johnson.
this is the new lymes doctor. no, not lemons,lymes, get it right people.
wednesday, the 1st of september i am penciled in at st. elizabeth's in red bluff to have my PIC line (permanent Iv) put in and my first treatment of Rosephin done.
treatment will be done for about 3-6 months.
don't you worry, i'll have pictures up and videos too:) this is gonna be fun, i'm gonna make it good, because i have to thrive on this.
all this still confuses me, i will learn as i go.
all i really know right now is that i am going to be really sick.
sweet beans...yeah not really.
but psalm 41 says that He will strengthen me on my sickbed.
this will most likely go on forever, i know at some point i will relapse and i will never live a completely normal life, but gosh darn- i will try.
i'll give until i have nothing left.
what are my feelings on this?
tears.
i'll be looking at the moon but i'll be seeing you
saw dr. johnson.
this is the new lymes doctor. no, not lemons,lymes, get it right people.
wednesday, the 1st of september i am penciled in at st. elizabeth's in red bluff to have my PIC line (permanent Iv) put in and my first treatment of Rosephin done.
treatment will be done for about 3-6 months.
don't you worry, i'll have pictures up and videos too:) this is gonna be fun, i'm gonna make it good, because i have to thrive on this.
all this still confuses me, i will learn as i go.
all i really know right now is that i am going to be really sick.
sweet beans...yeah not really.
but psalm 41 says that He will strengthen me on my sickbed.
this will most likely go on forever, i know at some point i will relapse and i will never live a completely normal life, but gosh darn- i will try.
i'll give until i have nothing left.
what are my feelings on this?
tears.
i'll be looking at the moon but i'll be seeing you
Thursday, August 26, 2010
my poudest moment...
i fought...
and i fought...
and then i twisted and i turned...
and i finally got the steering wheel cover on the dang steering wheel!
praise the Good Lord:)
it took a good 10 minutes and then i took about 10 more minutes just to stare at it.
it was a must have when the 112 degrees beats down on it all day and then i can't touch it when i need to, this will save many fingers.
just had to share.
and it also made me laugh, God has a sense of humor.
and i fought...
and then i twisted and i turned...
and i finally got the steering wheel cover on the dang steering wheel!
praise the Good Lord:)
it took a good 10 minutes and then i took about 10 more minutes just to stare at it.
it was a must have when the 112 degrees beats down on it all day and then i can't touch it when i need to, this will save many fingers.
just had to share.
and it also made me laugh, God has a sense of humor.
Monday, August 23, 2010
one day.
those who sow in tears shall reap in joy. he who continually goes forth in weeping, bearing seed for sowing, shall doubtless come again with rejoicing bringing sheaves with him. Psalm 126:5-6
if God's word is a promise, then i'll count it as good.
this week has been a weep-a-thon.
this heart wants murrieta.
this heart wants my siblings back.
ok- i just want to be where You are...i'm tired of lying to everyone, i'm not ok at all.
end of story.
goal: to learn Philippians 4:11
if God's word is a promise, then i'll count it as good.
this week has been a weep-a-thon.
this heart wants murrieta.
this heart wants my siblings back.
ok- i just want to be where You are...i'm tired of lying to everyone, i'm not ok at all.
end of story.
goal: to learn Philippians 4:11
Friday, August 20, 2010
with all the missing pieces.
i put you in my locket yesterday.
i will wear you there until you come home.
next to my heart forever.
just for everyone reading, there is nothing more beautiful than my sister.
i will wear you there until you come home.
next to my heart forever.
just for everyone reading, there is nothing more beautiful than my sister.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
when life gives you lymes, make lymeade?
for some reason after coming home from a week long exstravaganza in washington i didn't expect to pick up the phone and see 20 messages.
i listened, when it got to my doctor my heart dropped a little bit- well maybe a lot bit. all week i had been praying for the Lord to be preparing my heart for whatever He had in store for me. Lymes Disease was the last thing i wanted. after learning more and more in the past month and i have become more turned off to it, but i will write more on this towards the end.
i called back and the nurse gave me the long awaited results as my dad sat in the the chair next to me staring at me...uncomfortable, i would look back at him.
she explained that from what the "blood people" could see they could not see a positive result or a negative, but it was definitely more positive based upon my symptoms and the other blood tests they had performed.
so from here i will be seeing a doctor soon and he will be following my treatment for this cruel disease that never leaves you. over the next 12 weeks i believe i will be going through a very rough and intense IV course that is likened to chemotherapy which is trying to kill these particular cells that have taken over my body. what this therapy can possibly do is put my body into remission so that i can temporarily go back to normal...and this is what we all hope for.
i hope for this. most of all i hope for heaven. this summer has been a tough one, it's been long and life changing, it's been lonely, but it has prepared me for this...for something more. Just like the Lord answers Jeremiah in 12:5
so now i'll run with the horses and He will give me strength.
and together we'll make some freaking lymeade out of this situation:)
there have been a lot of tears over this and no doubt there will be more to come.
#1 prayer request: more than anything in the world right now i want to be at bible college and it kills that i am at home sick, by myself none the less- so please pray for contentment.
#2. that i would be dilligent with my online classes.
#3. i have an appointment with my doc on thursday. (Dr. Holscher)
#4. pray that i would continue to absolutely surrender everything to the Lord,hopes, dreams and all- more is required now with this diagnosis.
thank you all- this life is relentless-but our God is so big
Please also pray for:
Susie: Stage 3 colon cancer, started chemo last week, 3 young kids.
Owen: Leukemia, 6 years old, going through chemo.
Brynn: Battling many different health problems, 5 months pregnant
Jenna: Redemption and healing
i listened, when it got to my doctor my heart dropped a little bit- well maybe a lot bit. all week i had been praying for the Lord to be preparing my heart for whatever He had in store for me. Lymes Disease was the last thing i wanted. after learning more and more in the past month and i have become more turned off to it, but i will write more on this towards the end.
i called back and the nurse gave me the long awaited results as my dad sat in the the chair next to me staring at me...uncomfortable, i would look back at him.
she explained that from what the "blood people" could see they could not see a positive result or a negative, but it was definitely more positive based upon my symptoms and the other blood tests they had performed.
so from here i will be seeing a doctor soon and he will be following my treatment for this cruel disease that never leaves you. over the next 12 weeks i believe i will be going through a very rough and intense IV course that is likened to chemotherapy which is trying to kill these particular cells that have taken over my body. what this therapy can possibly do is put my body into remission so that i can temporarily go back to normal...and this is what we all hope for.
i hope for this. most of all i hope for heaven. this summer has been a tough one, it's been long and life changing, it's been lonely, but it has prepared me for this...for something more. Just like the Lord answers Jeremiah in 12:5
"If you have run with the footmen, and they have wearied you, then how can you contend with the horses? and if in the land of peace, in which you trusted, the wearied you, then how will you do in the floodplain of the Jordan?"
so now i'll run with the horses and He will give me strength.
and together we'll make some freaking lymeade out of this situation:)
there have been a lot of tears over this and no doubt there will be more to come.
#1 prayer request: more than anything in the world right now i want to be at bible college and it kills that i am at home sick, by myself none the less- so please pray for contentment.
#2. that i would be dilligent with my online classes.
#3. i have an appointment with my doc on thursday. (Dr. Holscher)
#4. pray that i would continue to absolutely surrender everything to the Lord,hopes, dreams and all- more is required now with this diagnosis.
thank you all- this life is relentless-but our God is so big
Please also pray for:
Susie: Stage 3 colon cancer, started chemo last week, 3 young kids.
Owen: Leukemia, 6 years old, going through chemo.
Brynn: Battling many different health problems, 5 months pregnant
Jenna: Redemption and healing
warshington.
God's been good to me.
in whatever state i am in i am learn(ing) to be content.
might i add this is not coming easy.
my week in this beautiful state was amazing- the pain did not cease but the berry picking and the meteor showers and the friends and family and and fairs and farmers markets and laughs and agate hunts made things better.
i am undeserving and my heart was on a thousand different levels of thinking this week.
i threw stanford out the window of my car going past mt. shasta and never felt better.
this heart of mine was never meant to be alone- this week i was filled with people all around me and was teased. today my brother left for college, and in a couple weeks erica will leave the country for spain- i know it seems far-fetched but it makes me feel alone...but the Lord is my help and I am never alone, He has set His angels dancing amongst us:)
Sunday, August 1, 2010
absolute surrender means letting go.
for so long now I've had these clenched fists, holding onto whatever I can because I barely hold anything.
a new discovery: i hold nothing.
i am a little girl, just weeping, with no strength left- i look around and there is nothing that i can cling to, but there is my Father who is greater than the ocean of all my tears who picks me up and holds me in His comforting arms.
when everything falls apart He is everything- He is everything because I stand emptyhanded, I have no money, no job, no vehicle,no lover, nothing material that I can claim- yet He claims me.
He is my only hope. so as long as he holds on to me, I know i will be ok. and will he ever let go?
yeah , that's rhetorical.
i was just reminded of my Savior's love for me over the past few days as I have been mulling over my circumstances. This love conquers everything, it covers all the hurt I've ever experienced and clothes me with joy.
This next week is VBS at my church and then on Thursday I will travel up to Portland with a couple of my roomies from Italy to a wedding and then on Sunday I will head up to Guemes Island with my fam and the Phelps, a little island practically in Canada in the San Juans just for a getaway for about a week- I'm pretty stoked to see the beautiful Esther Perry and Stever-muffin too:)
God is good.
a new discovery: i hold nothing.
i am a little girl, just weeping, with no strength left- i look around and there is nothing that i can cling to, but there is my Father who is greater than the ocean of all my tears who picks me up and holds me in His comforting arms.
when everything falls apart He is everything- He is everything because I stand emptyhanded, I have no money, no job, no vehicle,no lover, nothing material that I can claim- yet He claims me.
He is my only hope. so as long as he holds on to me, I know i will be ok. and will he ever let go?
yeah , that's rhetorical.
i was just reminded of my Savior's love for me over the past few days as I have been mulling over my circumstances. This love conquers everything, it covers all the hurt I've ever experienced and clothes me with joy.
This next week is VBS at my church and then on Thursday I will travel up to Portland with a couple of my roomies from Italy to a wedding and then on Sunday I will head up to Guemes Island with my fam and the Phelps, a little island practically in Canada in the San Juans just for a getaway for about a week- I'm pretty stoked to see the beautiful Esther Perry and Stever-muffin too:)
God is good.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
breakup
i guess my 3 in 1 video blogs said it all kinda-sorta as to what is going on as of late. you all really got to see it all. this has been quite the fight. and for the past 6 years i have been begging someone to fight for me. but all along i have been begging the wrong person. i have gone to MD after MD, someone smarter to someone smarter begging, then pleading with them to find pleasure in my eyes and to be willing to fight for my life.
no one has been willing.
they all have given up on me.
after 6 years. i have gone through this extremely treacherous fight and i feel like i have finally given up the fight with them and broken it off...goodbye Stanford, goodbye to the whole lot of doctors i have seen in these past 6 years that have done jack-squat for me.
i want to move on, i want to see the world, i want to finish bible college and go on to nursing school, but unfortunately right now these things must wait.
of course over this fall i'll be working towards my graduation from bible college by taking online classes...i refuse to start and quit.
it's funny, i highly considered deleting this blog last week. it was a goner. see you later! it started out as something that was just an online journal and then suddenly everyone started reading it and i had to be a little more careful about what i wrote.
if this blog was not online, it would have been burned last week. why? well, because it has everything to do with my sickness.
in sickness and in health.
that's pretty much my motto here on 'when the curls fall out'.
and the curls fell out a few days ago i realized.
the title actually came from a poem i wrote when i was younger. i wrote it when i had pin straight hair and curling it was only for special occasions and by the end of the night the curls would always have fallen and the event would be over, everything would be done.
a few lines from this poem went...
when the curls fell out
they fell with my world
looking for someone to give them a twirl...
and how true is that? at least for me. ultimately i wrote this about the Lord and how when everything fall around you. when the show is over and your world seems to be caving in and you're begging SOMEONE TO FIGHT FOR YOU , you need to look at who you've been asking to fight.
i was asking doctors to plead my cause.
now my world has fallen, just as these curls have fallen out but does it not say numerous times in the bible that the Lord is a Man of war!?
He lives to fight for us!
so, i am not here for pity or to prove that i have suffered for 6 years and that i am miserable and sad, i am here to prove that my Redeemer lives and He shall stand at last on the Earth. we all suffer in our different ways, whether financially or in relationships or spiritually or emotionally- we all have battles.
who is fighting for you?
i love you all so much and i deeply appreciate all the comments and messages on facebook and the texts and phone calls- you all are such a blessing, i can't describe it with words...i really can't or i start crying like a fool, you know me;)
anyways, be blessed you guys and stick around the blog. the blog will stay. because it's not for me anymore- this is for His glory and if it ever gets carnal it'll go buh-bye.
i will for sure have another post in a couple weeks when i get results of this Lymes test.
all my love- jordie
no one has been willing.
they all have given up on me.
after 6 years. i have gone through this extremely treacherous fight and i feel like i have finally given up the fight with them and broken it off...goodbye Stanford, goodbye to the whole lot of doctors i have seen in these past 6 years that have done jack-squat for me.
i want to move on, i want to see the world, i want to finish bible college and go on to nursing school, but unfortunately right now these things must wait.
of course over this fall i'll be working towards my graduation from bible college by taking online classes...i refuse to start and quit.
it's funny, i highly considered deleting this blog last week. it was a goner. see you later! it started out as something that was just an online journal and then suddenly everyone started reading it and i had to be a little more careful about what i wrote.
if this blog was not online, it would have been burned last week. why? well, because it has everything to do with my sickness.
in sickness and in health.
that's pretty much my motto here on 'when the curls fall out'.
and the curls fell out a few days ago i realized.
the title actually came from a poem i wrote when i was younger. i wrote it when i had pin straight hair and curling it was only for special occasions and by the end of the night the curls would always have fallen and the event would be over, everything would be done.
a few lines from this poem went...
when the curls fell out
they fell with my world
looking for someone to give them a twirl...
and how true is that? at least for me. ultimately i wrote this about the Lord and how when everything fall around you. when the show is over and your world seems to be caving in and you're begging SOMEONE TO FIGHT FOR YOU , you need to look at who you've been asking to fight.
i was asking doctors to plead my cause.
now my world has fallen, just as these curls have fallen out but does it not say numerous times in the bible that the Lord is a Man of war!?
He lives to fight for us!
so, i am not here for pity or to prove that i have suffered for 6 years and that i am miserable and sad, i am here to prove that my Redeemer lives and He shall stand at last on the Earth. we all suffer in our different ways, whether financially or in relationships or spiritually or emotionally- we all have battles.
who is fighting for you?
i love you all so much and i deeply appreciate all the comments and messages on facebook and the texts and phone calls- you all are such a blessing, i can't describe it with words...i really can't or i start crying like a fool, you know me;)
anyways, be blessed you guys and stick around the blog. the blog will stay. because it's not for me anymore- this is for His glory and if it ever gets carnal it'll go buh-bye.
i will for sure have another post in a couple weeks when i get results of this Lymes test.
all my love- jordie
Sunday, July 25, 2010
higher ground
No power of hell
No scheme of man
Could ever pluck me from his hand
‘Til he returns
Or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I’ll stand
Lately it seems that satan has been playing games with my mind. Just trying to tempt me and pull me down. I found that he can’t pull me down when I am on my face before my Maker.
Whatever my circumstances. Whatever comes of these tests, nothing will take me away from the love of the God that I serve.
I call for Him every day and every night hoping that He will come for me- how desperately I want Him. This morning we sang the song above. And that here in the power of Christ I will stand.
Sometimes the greatest place to stand, the highest place to stand is where your face is buried in the place you usually walk.
To be in a place where no one can possibly bring you lower, but where the Lord knows exactly where you are and He is only willing to bring you up.
I have a feeling I will be in this place for a while- this place of complete brokenness and sorrow. I know He can use this.
I go to Stanford in 2 days- a video blog will come soon.
The blog desperately needed a revamp from the brown whatever, I hope you all like it:)
No scheme of man
Could ever pluck me from his hand
‘Til he returns
Or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I’ll stand
Lately it seems that satan has been playing games with my mind. Just trying to tempt me and pull me down. I found that he can’t pull me down when I am on my face before my Maker.
Whatever my circumstances. Whatever comes of these tests, nothing will take me away from the love of the God that I serve.
I call for Him every day and every night hoping that He will come for me- how desperately I want Him. This morning we sang the song above. And that here in the power of Christ I will stand.
Sometimes the greatest place to stand, the highest place to stand is where your face is buried in the place you usually walk.
To be in a place where no one can possibly bring you lower, but where the Lord knows exactly where you are and He is only willing to bring you up.
I have a feeling I will be in this place for a while- this place of complete brokenness and sorrow. I know He can use this.
I go to Stanford in 2 days- a video blog will come soon.
The blog desperately needed a revamp from the brown whatever, I hope you all like it:)
Saturday, July 17, 2010
beeDEEdooDOP- You have Reached a New level...
i am writing right now completely uninspired, so i hope you're not expecting anything beautiful.
as the title of this little excerpt entails i have reached a new level of this sickness that has left me in bed for the last few days. Yesterday I got up to play mom for a few hours driving the kids around to their skit practice and picking them up and i got enough makeup on to make myself look healthy to go to a wedding today.
my stomach has been killing me, and my head has been spinning,i feel like a fish out of water-just gasping for air and my bones hate me more than ever- this feeling is not like the flu although everyone tries to tell me it is.
i don't see stanford for another week and a half. the 27th is the day.
dr. genovese and dr. flowers are the ones i know i will be seeing for sure- please be praying for wisdom for them.
please be praying for strength for me- i've been too uncomfortable to sleep and when i do fall asleep and i roll over and wake up not being able to breathe.
but in all of this i have been reminded of my beautiful brothers and sisters who are in this fight with me- this fight for life, or...this fight for heaven. I have been reminded in OUR suffering of this verse in 1 Peter 5:10 "But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen and settle you. And to Him be the Glory!"
Amen?
This is my prayer...this is why I have this blog, this is why i am alive to this day, this is why I keep fighting for life, this is why I choose Jesus over the world, because AFTER A WHILE, we may suffer for a while but He will perfect us...oh the glorious perfection that we will receive when we meet our Maker! He will establish us, we will be firm, set in our way so that we cannot be moved. we will be strengthened- i know as for me, strength is the one thing i am looking for these days, and if Jesus can give it to me- then give me Jesus! And He will settle you! Oh to be settled, to have a peace, to have a joy that no one can take away. And let the world stand by and marvel.
Let us march on and fight-we're in this together.
And to Him be the all the glory.
Please Pray for:
Susie- Diagnosed with cancer this week, starting chemo next week.
Sue- Diagnosed also with cancer, please pray for docs to pinpoint where it is.
Kathy- Diagnosed with breast cancer this week, pray for successful surgery.
Owen- Diagnosed with Leukemia this week, 5 years old. Pray for this little guy and his family to stay strong and battle this knowing that the Lord holds his little life and loves him abundantly:)
as the title of this little excerpt entails i have reached a new level of this sickness that has left me in bed for the last few days. Yesterday I got up to play mom for a few hours driving the kids around to their skit practice and picking them up and i got enough makeup on to make myself look healthy to go to a wedding today.
my stomach has been killing me, and my head has been spinning,i feel like a fish out of water-just gasping for air and my bones hate me more than ever- this feeling is not like the flu although everyone tries to tell me it is.
i don't see stanford for another week and a half. the 27th is the day.
dr. genovese and dr. flowers are the ones i know i will be seeing for sure- please be praying for wisdom for them.
please be praying for strength for me- i've been too uncomfortable to sleep and when i do fall asleep and i roll over and wake up not being able to breathe.
but in all of this i have been reminded of my beautiful brothers and sisters who are in this fight with me- this fight for life, or...this fight for heaven. I have been reminded in OUR suffering of this verse in 1 Peter 5:10 "But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen and settle you. And to Him be the Glory!"
Amen?
This is my prayer...this is why I have this blog, this is why i am alive to this day, this is why I keep fighting for life, this is why I choose Jesus over the world, because AFTER A WHILE, we may suffer for a while but He will perfect us...oh the glorious perfection that we will receive when we meet our Maker! He will establish us, we will be firm, set in our way so that we cannot be moved. we will be strengthened- i know as for me, strength is the one thing i am looking for these days, and if Jesus can give it to me- then give me Jesus! And He will settle you! Oh to be settled, to have a peace, to have a joy that no one can take away. And let the world stand by and marvel.
Let us march on and fight-we're in this together.
And to Him be the all the glory.
Please Pray for:
Susie- Diagnosed with cancer this week, starting chemo next week.
Sue- Diagnosed also with cancer, please pray for docs to pinpoint where it is.
Kathy- Diagnosed with breast cancer this week, pray for successful surgery.
Owen- Diagnosed with Leukemia this week, 5 years old. Pray for this little guy and his family to stay strong and battle this knowing that the Lord holds his little life and loves him abundantly:)
Monday, July 12, 2010
ten
i wonder if anyone else knows what it's like to just want to write but not be able to.
i want to hold a pen in my hand and watch it glide over the paper and feel my feelings release from my heart. sometimes it all just doesn't come out when i type.
pain keeps me from this.
pain wants to eat me alive tonight.
going on 10 months now...
10 months of pain, yes, but also ten months of hope and that i will not give up. 10 months i have been waiting for a better day.
i try not to reflect on these dates, but this just randomly came into my mind.
Lord, distract me with Your presence- You are all I need.
Be my pen, be my paper, be my feelings, be the time i feel i've lost, be everything that consumes me.
i want to hold a pen in my hand and watch it glide over the paper and feel my feelings release from my heart. sometimes it all just doesn't come out when i type.
pain keeps me from this.
pain wants to eat me alive tonight.
going on 10 months now...
10 months of pain, yes, but also ten months of hope and that i will not give up. 10 months i have been waiting for a better day.
i try not to reflect on these dates, but this just randomly came into my mind.
Lord, distract me with Your presence- You are all I need.
Be my pen, be my paper, be my feelings, be the time i feel i've lost, be everything that consumes me.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
me myself, i've got nothing to prove
1.first things first, i hate whistling, it automatically makes me angry. and it probably comes from bitter jealousy because i could never do it.
2. i had blonde hair until i was 5.
3. i made a new years resolution to do nothing with my hair until 2011.
4. being alone is the scariest thing. i've found.
5. i take to heart every fortune cookie that i open.
6. my dog was my best friend, my best friend died last year.
7. my 7 weeks in italy still seem like a dream, why did i have to wake up?
8. i wear one pair of contacts for 3 months instead of 2 weeks like i should.
9. my name is really spelled jordAn.
10. in my mind i think my perfect life consists of me playing my piano in an apartment 25 stories high in a city while the people walk below and the trees sway below.
11. i love trees...and if i were not a christian, i would probably be a tree hugger.
12. i want a whole farm of children someday, or maybe i'll just work in an orphanage.
13. realistically, i want to be a doctor. everyone tells me i cannot do it.but i out to prove everyone wrong. it is not for me, it is for Jesus.
14. i wrote my bucket list when i was 15.
15. i love writing and i love paper. paper listens better than people.
16. i've always wanted to be like super toned and tanned but it's never happened.
17. i have only broken my toe, broke it running into the washing machine.
18. if it weren't for Jesus finding me in my lowest state, i would have killed myself a long time ago.
19. blowing bubbles with gum or just with soapy water is one of my favorite things:)
20. the only thing i can claim that "i am good at" is showing goats, yes, at fairs, and i am proud of that!
21. i have never dyed my hair and i do not plan on doing so until i am gray.
22. i hate cookbooks, because i don't like a book other than the bible telling me what to do- thus most of my food turns out gross.
23. i have started reading Dr. Dolittle 5 different times and have never finished it. it is the only book i have started and never finished.
24. calvary chapel bible college is a modern day heaven to me.
25. i haven't been back to the place i grew up for 4 years now and i makes me sad.
26. my monkey lamp is the most amazing thing i own.
27. when i was younger i used to run away, my intention was of going to my best friends house 5 miles away, but i never made it further than the stop sign.
28. i have no clue why i am still on earth, i am waiting to see what the Lord wants fro me. He could have taken me so many times.
29. i really don't care what people think of me. i have heard from many people lately that this is a bad thing.
30. i've lived in 4 houses in 3 places in 2 states.
31. 31. if people really took the time to get to know my sister and i, they'd realize we look nothing alike, it's an optical illusion.
32. i am obsessed with organizing things at stores- take me to target and i will stock thing for hours and be perfectly content. it's my favorite:)
33. i speak to babies in asian accents and they fall in love with me, it's quite adorable.
34. i know love.
35. i know i will be better. these bones may be decaying and these lungs may have tumors in them but the Lord has promised a better home for me, so whether i inherit the promise of a better life here on earth or in heaven- it is coming and this gives me hope to live another day.
THE END
2. i had blonde hair until i was 5.
3. i made a new years resolution to do nothing with my hair until 2011.
4. being alone is the scariest thing. i've found.
5. i take to heart every fortune cookie that i open.
6. my dog was my best friend, my best friend died last year.
7. my 7 weeks in italy still seem like a dream, why did i have to wake up?
8. i wear one pair of contacts for 3 months instead of 2 weeks like i should.
9. my name is really spelled jordAn.
10. in my mind i think my perfect life consists of me playing my piano in an apartment 25 stories high in a city while the people walk below and the trees sway below.
11. i love trees...and if i were not a christian, i would probably be a tree hugger.
12. i want a whole farm of children someday, or maybe i'll just work in an orphanage.
13. realistically, i want to be a doctor. everyone tells me i cannot do it.but i out to prove everyone wrong. it is not for me, it is for Jesus.
14. i wrote my bucket list when i was 15.
15. i love writing and i love paper. paper listens better than people.
16. i've always wanted to be like super toned and tanned but it's never happened.
17. i have only broken my toe, broke it running into the washing machine.
18. if it weren't for Jesus finding me in my lowest state, i would have killed myself a long time ago.
19. blowing bubbles with gum or just with soapy water is one of my favorite things:)
20. the only thing i can claim that "i am good at" is showing goats, yes, at fairs, and i am proud of that!
21. i have never dyed my hair and i do not plan on doing so until i am gray.
22. i hate cookbooks, because i don't like a book other than the bible telling me what to do- thus most of my food turns out gross.
23. i have started reading Dr. Dolittle 5 different times and have never finished it. it is the only book i have started and never finished.
24. calvary chapel bible college is a modern day heaven to me.
25. i haven't been back to the place i grew up for 4 years now and i makes me sad.
26. my monkey lamp is the most amazing thing i own.
27. when i was younger i used to run away, my intention was of going to my best friends house 5 miles away, but i never made it further than the stop sign.
28. i have no clue why i am still on earth, i am waiting to see what the Lord wants fro me. He could have taken me so many times.
29. i really don't care what people think of me. i have heard from many people lately that this is a bad thing.
30. i've lived in 4 houses in 3 places in 2 states.
31. 31. if people really took the time to get to know my sister and i, they'd realize we look nothing alike, it's an optical illusion.
32. i am obsessed with organizing things at stores- take me to target and i will stock thing for hours and be perfectly content. it's my favorite:)
33. i speak to babies in asian accents and they fall in love with me, it's quite adorable.
34. i know love.
35. i know i will be better. these bones may be decaying and these lungs may have tumors in them but the Lord has promised a better home for me, so whether i inherit the promise of a better life here on earth or in heaven- it is coming and this gives me hope to live another day.
THE END
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