i know you've brought me here to teach me something.
these people do not know me.
they don't know my weakness.
i know that you know me.
it's this weird feeling of acknowledging how much i trust you and letting go of all i still hold onto.
i want to hold onto everything i used to have.
i want my strength.
when i see it in other people this feeling comes over me...i could not figure it out until recently.
this feeling is jealousy.
because i remember it.
i remember all you gave me.
and i am thankful for what i had.
you took my physical strength and gave me strength from the inside, but now i feel so weak.
tonight i want to touch you.
i want to feel you.
i know that you've brought me to this place so that i can want these things more than anything else.
you want my mindset to be something more eternal.
but eternity isn't right now.
while i'm here lord, i beg you to give me endurance, to run this race with a goal in mind.
to run towards your beautiful face without looking back at what i used to have.
my goal will be forwards.
my goal will be for you.
i want to want nothing else- but there are so many things that crowd my mind.
my precious lord, make me beautiful in your sight.
do not be silent at my tears.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
we just may have been great
this is note of recognition.
a note of thankfulness to the Lord, my Redeemer and friend.
it takes time, sometimes, we must look back at where we were to be able to look forward at what we have now.
four months ago was not a pretty sight. i was angry and bitter and sick- call me Mara, don't call me Jordyn anymore.
all i wanted was CCBC- to feel love was what i longed for. what i could do for myself was impossible but what He did for me was incredible.
on an early february day all I wanted was given to me and off i went with erica to calvary chapel bible college and my life and circumstances were instantly changed- my God was for me!
over the course of the semester i knew in my mind that it was not going to be easy. soon after i got there i got this horrendous cough- started coughing up blood and got really tired, the weakness set in and the bones were hurting more than ever. as the Lord chose to take away my physical strength He placed people in my life that He knew beforehand that I would need.
the way the Lord picks people just astounds me, i needed each person for something specific and i didn't see it until recently.
first of all there was my sister- erica...where would i ever be without you? it was you that got me to school anyways, mom and dad would have never let me come if it weren't for you. you gave up days and time just for me, you gave up your car so i could make my appointments and gave up some of your heart to be all that i needed.i love you and i am going to miss you terribly this summer.
then there was mira...we were placed in the same dorm and what i thought was going to be the end of me, happened for my own good. without you my darling i would have died a horrible death in CA 123. thanks for the late night back scratches and loaning me your bed so i could sleep. thanks for taking me on as a love project by seeking the Lord; learning to be there for me even more than you were before. i can't give you anything here, but just wait for heaven girl- the rewards will come:)
then there was stevie...oh gosh kiddo, you didn't just make me cry when you left. your patience with my stubborness blessed me and taught me so much more about Christ. i don't think you know that the days we woke up super early to study the Word were days i specifically felt low and tired of fighting, the Lord chose you to show me that I was loved by someone that was greater than my temporary pain. you're a blessing, don't doubt the great ways the Lord is going to use you:)
and then there was nathan- my buddy...where would i be without you kid!!!??? your mullet and your eyes and your dumb tattoos always made me happy. i would have never known that i looked "EPIC" on the way to the hospital if it weren't for you. you brought more joy to my life in the past 4 months than i ever expected in coming back his spring. thanks:)
then there was erin...jiminy child, you beat me in the tanning contest in one day, but i still love you. thanks for the great beach days that you always suggested and the messy hair...and possibly some dreads. it sucks you're back in colorado but snail mail awaits us, and next semester as well:) ptl.
and philip...never in a million years did i expect to still have a great relationship with you, but i just love you kiddo and i am so glad that the Lord has given us what He has. I needed your humor, and the expectation of that awful beard coming off. the anticipation of the dreads and the AV golf cart crash story. oh phil, you make me happy, thanks for sticking around even though 'america may be the most boring place in the world', you've stuck it out, and you've made america better just by being apart of it.
esther-mother-freaking-perry!!!!- i'm so glad you came back to CCBC this semester, you're just great. never have i ever felt so comfortable around someone. you're just a joy to be around and make me smile hearing some things that come out of your mouth- you surprise me all the time. your relationship with nathan will always boggle my mind. please come back to me next semester. i love you dearly!
and to all the rest of you who i want to mention and probably will in more detail later, thank you- kelsey, jenni,emma, messican, brooke stew, hannah, charles, christian, angela, b-shep, mange, and so many others; you guys just rock my socks and have blessed me beyond words in the way you take care of me and "protect my bones".
The Lord is using you for far greater purposes than just blessing me,but i just want you all to know just how much i love you. may this summer be one you never forget, full of blessings and hopefully i'll see ya'lls again soon:)
all my love,
Jordyn
a note of thankfulness to the Lord, my Redeemer and friend.
it takes time, sometimes, we must look back at where we were to be able to look forward at what we have now.
four months ago was not a pretty sight. i was angry and bitter and sick- call me Mara, don't call me Jordyn anymore.
all i wanted was CCBC- to feel love was what i longed for. what i could do for myself was impossible but what He did for me was incredible.
on an early february day all I wanted was given to me and off i went with erica to calvary chapel bible college and my life and circumstances were instantly changed- my God was for me!
over the course of the semester i knew in my mind that it was not going to be easy. soon after i got there i got this horrendous cough- started coughing up blood and got really tired, the weakness set in and the bones were hurting more than ever. as the Lord chose to take away my physical strength He placed people in my life that He knew beforehand that I would need.
the way the Lord picks people just astounds me, i needed each person for something specific and i didn't see it until recently.
first of all there was my sister- erica...where would i ever be without you? it was you that got me to school anyways, mom and dad would have never let me come if it weren't for you. you gave up days and time just for me, you gave up your car so i could make my appointments and gave up some of your heart to be all that i needed.i love you and i am going to miss you terribly this summer.
then there was mira...we were placed in the same dorm and what i thought was going to be the end of me, happened for my own good. without you my darling i would have died a horrible death in CA 123. thanks for the late night back scratches and loaning me your bed so i could sleep. thanks for taking me on as a love project by seeking the Lord; learning to be there for me even more than you were before. i can't give you anything here, but just wait for heaven girl- the rewards will come:)
then there was stevie...oh gosh kiddo, you didn't just make me cry when you left. your patience with my stubborness blessed me and taught me so much more about Christ. i don't think you know that the days we woke up super early to study the Word were days i specifically felt low and tired of fighting, the Lord chose you to show me that I was loved by someone that was greater than my temporary pain. you're a blessing, don't doubt the great ways the Lord is going to use you:)
and then there was nathan- my buddy...where would i be without you kid!!!??? your mullet and your eyes and your dumb tattoos always made me happy. i would have never known that i looked "EPIC" on the way to the hospital if it weren't for you. you brought more joy to my life in the past 4 months than i ever expected in coming back his spring. thanks:)
then there was erin...jiminy child, you beat me in the tanning contest in one day, but i still love you. thanks for the great beach days that you always suggested and the messy hair...and possibly some dreads. it sucks you're back in colorado but snail mail awaits us, and next semester as well:) ptl.
and philip...never in a million years did i expect to still have a great relationship with you, but i just love you kiddo and i am so glad that the Lord has given us what He has. I needed your humor, and the expectation of that awful beard coming off. the anticipation of the dreads and the AV golf cart crash story. oh phil, you make me happy, thanks for sticking around even though 'america may be the most boring place in the world', you've stuck it out, and you've made america better just by being apart of it.
esther-mother-freaking-perry!!!!- i'm so glad you came back to CCBC this semester, you're just great. never have i ever felt so comfortable around someone. you're just a joy to be around and make me smile hearing some things that come out of your mouth- you surprise me all the time. your relationship with nathan will always boggle my mind. please come back to me next semester. i love you dearly!
and to all the rest of you who i want to mention and probably will in more detail later, thank you- kelsey, jenni,emma, messican, brooke stew, hannah, charles, christian, angela, b-shep, mange, and so many others; you guys just rock my socks and have blessed me beyond words in the way you take care of me and "protect my bones".
The Lord is using you for far greater purposes than just blessing me,but i just want you all to know just how much i love you. may this summer be one you never forget, full of blessings and hopefully i'll see ya'lls again soon:)
all my love,
Jordyn
Saturday, May 22, 2010
...and they called this place my home
yesterday i left.
i left what i know as my home.
i left what has kept me above the raging seas for the past 4 months.
i left the people i love the most.
it took about 2 weeks of tears to let it go.
i sat in class with people and thought that i may never ever be there again.
i walked through the coffee shop to see philip sleeping on the couch- a perfectly normal sight.
hugs to dave shirley. and talks with terry- the dishwasher.
all this just takes too long to say goodbye to.
so graduation finally came- i got the brochure deal that had all my friends names in it...minus mine.
this was my class- and this is why it was so hard to see them all go.
hopefully i'll be back as a 5th semester in the fall.
hopefully stanford will have something for me.
these are my hopes. i know the Lord knows them all- He thinks some are crazy,yet He cares about them. "God bless the Lord"-CCBC
so, with many tears I bid them all farewell as evil thoughts came into my head thinking I may never see them again. maybe not here, not on this earth. oh, but we will meet again:)
the long drive got the best of me. I didn't talk besides putting in the frequent "South, please!" when getting back on the freeway. I said it in all seriousness but it didn't work, because I arrived here. In Red Bluff.
The mullets and mary kay ladies greeted me along with the hazardously depressing weather and the smelly little dogs.
i love it all- it does make me smile, but how I miss what I had.
I am glad that this time I never took a day for granted. Every day I lived as if I were dying- because it could have happened. The Lord is using this crazy adventure- I have learned to love, to love better than before, because i know how much it hurts to leave it all.
so, here I am- maybe in a new chapter, awaiting whatever may happen next...
i left what i know as my home.
i left what has kept me above the raging seas for the past 4 months.
i left the people i love the most.
it took about 2 weeks of tears to let it go.
i sat in class with people and thought that i may never ever be there again.
i walked through the coffee shop to see philip sleeping on the couch- a perfectly normal sight.
hugs to dave shirley. and talks with terry- the dishwasher.
all this just takes too long to say goodbye to.
so graduation finally came- i got the brochure deal that had all my friends names in it...minus mine.
this was my class- and this is why it was so hard to see them all go.
hopefully i'll be back as a 5th semester in the fall.
hopefully stanford will have something for me.
these are my hopes. i know the Lord knows them all- He thinks some are crazy,yet He cares about them. "God bless the Lord"-CCBC
so, with many tears I bid them all farewell as evil thoughts came into my head thinking I may never see them again. maybe not here, not on this earth. oh, but we will meet again:)
the long drive got the best of me. I didn't talk besides putting in the frequent "South, please!" when getting back on the freeway. I said it in all seriousness but it didn't work, because I arrived here. In Red Bluff.
The mullets and mary kay ladies greeted me along with the hazardously depressing weather and the smelly little dogs.
i love it all- it does make me smile, but how I miss what I had.
I am glad that this time I never took a day for granted. Every day I lived as if I were dying- because it could have happened. The Lord is using this crazy adventure- I have learned to love, to love better than before, because i know how much it hurts to leave it all.
so, here I am- maybe in a new chapter, awaiting whatever may happen next...
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
in remembering
if you can remember to pray for me, please stop and pray for Jenna first.
thanks.
Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.- Kahlil Gibran
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
this is different.
it's a weird feeling to be falling apart physically.
i was up and about the other day and felt my heart racing, i looked at my chest to see it pounding through my chest.
kinda cool- but not at all normal.
i've fallen apart emotionally many times.
as tired as i feel with classes and all i can't help but be blessed; well the Lord can't help but bless me. He loves me, through all my unworthiness and it pretty much rocks my socks.
my class; ruth and esther has been amazing, it's tough to stay awake, yet i listen and get so blessed, simply by God's word. i don't see myself really as a ruth or an esther, yet i know that God is working behind the scenes in my life as well and that he ultimately desires to give me a future and a hope- something to hold onto.
He longs to redeem me. my next project is a research paper on the Kinsman Redeemer.
5 pages at the least usually scares me, but i am kind of excited to get into this and learn more about my Savior.
tonight i go to Southwest Juvenille Hall as every tuesday night and share a bible study with unit 4. i'm not sure what to share on, but it will come, because the Lord never fails.
Noah's memorial service is this saturday and i wish that i could spend 500 dollars on a plane ticket...i would give anything to be there for Jenna. my heart still hurts, i find that tears still come to my eyes. i am afraid to talk to her, because i'm afraid of these tears that come all too often- I want to be strong for her, yet I am still so weak. only God can be her strength...i wish i had more to offer, but all I have left is my Savior.
I learned His name today- El Shaddai- He is enough, He is the One who will bring me to the end of myself to find He who is all powerful. He holds it all- and this is only one of His names. How beautiful.
I've learned a lot about names in this class- I wish my name meant something, it means "decending" or something...nothing great, but i am not great- God deserves all these names..if only we called Him this more often.
On thursday I will go back to Dr. Chung for an echocardiogram, I will see my heart on a screen and hopefully have something to glean from this appointment.
life has been good- i am dreading going home, the fellowship here is like nothing else on this earth- yet i know the Lord will bless my time back in Red Bluff just like everything else.
I have no room to doubt him.
15 days remain and this may be the last blog coming from CCBC for my 4th semester...i'll be home soon. I wish I could go home and be well- this is my desire- but I will go home and not be able to do much more than rest...but during this time my goal is not to forget that the Lord, my God, my El Shaddai will still be working behind the scenes of my life.
so here's to a the end of a chapter, the end of 4th semester and on to whatever the Lord may bring; it scares me not knowing what to expect, yet it's not mine to worry about. If the Lord gives the birds food and a nest I am sure that He will take care of me, I'm His child and He's promised not to abandon me.
I hope I remember this when a few weeks go by and times get tougher.
For all you reading- remind me of this.
i was up and about the other day and felt my heart racing, i looked at my chest to see it pounding through my chest.
kinda cool- but not at all normal.
i've fallen apart emotionally many times.
as tired as i feel with classes and all i can't help but be blessed; well the Lord can't help but bless me. He loves me, through all my unworthiness and it pretty much rocks my socks.
my class; ruth and esther has been amazing, it's tough to stay awake, yet i listen and get so blessed, simply by God's word. i don't see myself really as a ruth or an esther, yet i know that God is working behind the scenes in my life as well and that he ultimately desires to give me a future and a hope- something to hold onto.
He longs to redeem me. my next project is a research paper on the Kinsman Redeemer.
5 pages at the least usually scares me, but i am kind of excited to get into this and learn more about my Savior.
tonight i go to Southwest Juvenille Hall as every tuesday night and share a bible study with unit 4. i'm not sure what to share on, but it will come, because the Lord never fails.
Noah's memorial service is this saturday and i wish that i could spend 500 dollars on a plane ticket...i would give anything to be there for Jenna. my heart still hurts, i find that tears still come to my eyes. i am afraid to talk to her, because i'm afraid of these tears that come all too often- I want to be strong for her, yet I am still so weak. only God can be her strength...i wish i had more to offer, but all I have left is my Savior.
I learned His name today- El Shaddai- He is enough, He is the One who will bring me to the end of myself to find He who is all powerful. He holds it all- and this is only one of His names. How beautiful.
I've learned a lot about names in this class- I wish my name meant something, it means "decending" or something...nothing great, but i am not great- God deserves all these names..if only we called Him this more often.
On thursday I will go back to Dr. Chung for an echocardiogram, I will see my heart on a screen and hopefully have something to glean from this appointment.
life has been good- i am dreading going home, the fellowship here is like nothing else on this earth- yet i know the Lord will bless my time back in Red Bluff just like everything else.
I have no room to doubt him.
15 days remain and this may be the last blog coming from CCBC for my 4th semester...i'll be home soon. I wish I could go home and be well- this is my desire- but I will go home and not be able to do much more than rest...but during this time my goal is not to forget that the Lord, my God, my El Shaddai will still be working behind the scenes of my life.
so here's to a the end of a chapter, the end of 4th semester and on to whatever the Lord may bring; it scares me not knowing what to expect, yet it's not mine to worry about. If the Lord gives the birds food and a nest I am sure that He will take care of me, I'm His child and He's promised not to abandon me.
I hope I remember this when a few weeks go by and times get tougher.
For all you reading- remind me of this.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
it is well with my soul.
This week has been one I won’t forget anytime soon.
In fact it might be one of those that I may talk to my grandkids about in my rocking chair in 2070…haha let’s hope not. Jesus come quickly!
Friday night it all started. We went to the park and played wiffle ball- well I watched. During the events I started coughing, my cough is no normal cough, I was coughing up blood, a lot of it. I swallowed it all like I usually do and then threw it all up. Going to bed is usually my best bet. Saturday things just got worse. Around 9pm I called my mom barely breathing. Kelsey and jenni came to my room and called an ambulance. Soon there were about 5 guys in my room- hooking me up to machines galore; thinking that I was having a heart attack. Heart attacks are normal for this kid. Well, as always; the docs found nothing but “bronchitis” at the hospital. Screw that answer. I know better. Well, Sunday afternoon brought me back to the ER, not breathing again. This doctor listened some more and talked to my mom over the phone. Eventually, what this all came down to was that they cannot help me and my best bet is going to a big university research hospital. Which at this point I’d be down for…pretty much anything. Anything but a primary care doc who will just look at me and once again say “Jordyn, you are like no one I have ever met, you have a very unique case, and…” And that’s all, all they ever have to say.
I saw my critical care pulmonologist on Tuesday. My bronchoscopy results were normal as ever. He found slight bacteria from a pneumonia infection, but nothing serious. I always pray for it to be something serious. Serious means answer. Answer means help. And help means…getting better? Either way I am somewhat at a loss. My plan is to go home this summer. I also plan on getting some referrals to go to Stanford Medical and get some help there. San Francisco is not close, but it’s all I have left. I don’t feel like giving up anytime soon. Giving up in this fight would entail living in pain and being hopeless. Hope is what I thrive on. I will not give it up for anything.
I started my new block class today, Ruth and Esther is what I’m currently studying. We are learning about our Kinsman Redeemer. I know the Lord is able to take care of me, but I have been praying more for this husband of mine, wherever he may be. I know a day is coming soon when I won’t be able to take care of myself and I cannot depend upon my parents forever. I will wait for this helpmate for as long as I have to, I know my Redeemer will bring him to me when the time is perfect. I feel like I would have nothing to offer, nothing but love. Hopefully love would be enough.
In the meantime I am perfectly in love with my Savior, He proves to me every day that He is good and I have no place to doubt Him. He holds me and quiets me and wipes away my tears. He knows me like no one else and provides for me constantly.
On Friday I have an appointment with my cardiologist at 11:30, I’ll ask him about congestive heart failure. Maybe a new heart is what I need.
So I continue to wait. Life is a waiting game I guess. This week has been rough. Noah went to be with Jesus and I don’t think I have ever in my 20 years cried so many tears; I cannot explain enough how much I longed to hold that precious baby and see him outlast me, but the Lord has such a different plan. Noah doesn’t have to suffer. He is perfect now. And I cannot wait till the day I meet him; the Lord gave me a dream a few nights ago, it was Noah, he was beautiful and healthy, smiling. But it was not me that was holding him, neither was it Jenna. Now I pray that the Lord will hold Jenna so close to Himself during this time, that she will find this love that I have found in my wilderness as she holds onto nothing now. We do indeed have to lose our lives in order to find it. For me, I trusted in my health, and that in that I could do anything, and the Lord took it away from me and replaced it with Himself. But here in the wilderness I have found everything that I need. For Jenna, all she wanted was Noah and she held onto him with all she had, now all she has is Christ, this life has been taken away so abruptly. I pray that this wilderness leads her to promise.
Well, this is a much longer update than I expected but I must inform you all what’s been going on. I appreciate you all who have been praying for Noah and Jenna and myself as well.
“The Lord will fight for you and you shall hold your peace”-Exodus 14:14
Praise the one is mighty to save, to conquer and deliver we who are so small, weak and fragile.
From this heart that now beats with a different rhythm,
Jordyn
In fact it might be one of those that I may talk to my grandkids about in my rocking chair in 2070…haha let’s hope not. Jesus come quickly!
Friday night it all started. We went to the park and played wiffle ball- well I watched. During the events I started coughing, my cough is no normal cough, I was coughing up blood, a lot of it. I swallowed it all like I usually do and then threw it all up. Going to bed is usually my best bet. Saturday things just got worse. Around 9pm I called my mom barely breathing. Kelsey and jenni came to my room and called an ambulance. Soon there were about 5 guys in my room- hooking me up to machines galore; thinking that I was having a heart attack. Heart attacks are normal for this kid. Well, as always; the docs found nothing but “bronchitis” at the hospital. Screw that answer. I know better. Well, Sunday afternoon brought me back to the ER, not breathing again. This doctor listened some more and talked to my mom over the phone. Eventually, what this all came down to was that they cannot help me and my best bet is going to a big university research hospital. Which at this point I’d be down for…pretty much anything. Anything but a primary care doc who will just look at me and once again say “Jordyn, you are like no one I have ever met, you have a very unique case, and…” And that’s all, all they ever have to say.
I saw my critical care pulmonologist on Tuesday. My bronchoscopy results were normal as ever. He found slight bacteria from a pneumonia infection, but nothing serious. I always pray for it to be something serious. Serious means answer. Answer means help. And help means…getting better? Either way I am somewhat at a loss. My plan is to go home this summer. I also plan on getting some referrals to go to Stanford Medical and get some help there. San Francisco is not close, but it’s all I have left. I don’t feel like giving up anytime soon. Giving up in this fight would entail living in pain and being hopeless. Hope is what I thrive on. I will not give it up for anything.
I started my new block class today, Ruth and Esther is what I’m currently studying. We are learning about our Kinsman Redeemer. I know the Lord is able to take care of me, but I have been praying more for this husband of mine, wherever he may be. I know a day is coming soon when I won’t be able to take care of myself and I cannot depend upon my parents forever. I will wait for this helpmate for as long as I have to, I know my Redeemer will bring him to me when the time is perfect. I feel like I would have nothing to offer, nothing but love. Hopefully love would be enough.
In the meantime I am perfectly in love with my Savior, He proves to me every day that He is good and I have no place to doubt Him. He holds me and quiets me and wipes away my tears. He knows me like no one else and provides for me constantly.
On Friday I have an appointment with my cardiologist at 11:30, I’ll ask him about congestive heart failure. Maybe a new heart is what I need.
So I continue to wait. Life is a waiting game I guess. This week has been rough. Noah went to be with Jesus and I don’t think I have ever in my 20 years cried so many tears; I cannot explain enough how much I longed to hold that precious baby and see him outlast me, but the Lord has such a different plan. Noah doesn’t have to suffer. He is perfect now. And I cannot wait till the day I meet him; the Lord gave me a dream a few nights ago, it was Noah, he was beautiful and healthy, smiling. But it was not me that was holding him, neither was it Jenna. Now I pray that the Lord will hold Jenna so close to Himself during this time, that she will find this love that I have found in my wilderness as she holds onto nothing now. We do indeed have to lose our lives in order to find it. For me, I trusted in my health, and that in that I could do anything, and the Lord took it away from me and replaced it with Himself. But here in the wilderness I have found everything that I need. For Jenna, all she wanted was Noah and she held onto him with all she had, now all she has is Christ, this life has been taken away so abruptly. I pray that this wilderness leads her to promise.
Well, this is a much longer update than I expected but I must inform you all what’s been going on. I appreciate you all who have been praying for Noah and Jenna and myself as well.
“The Lord will fight for you and you shall hold your peace”-Exodus 14:14
Praise the one is mighty to save, to conquer and deliver we who are so small, weak and fragile.
From this heart that now beats with a different rhythm,
Jordyn
Noah Zion Creasy- April 27th 2010
Noah came into this world yesterday morning at 11:40 via c-section and was soon taken home by our Almighty God in the afternoon. The Lord gives and He takes away...we will still bless His name, because He still is good.
Dear Noah,
Today you went to be with Jesus. You put up quite the fight little guy. I found out and I wished that you were still here; but that was selfish. I wanted to hold you. I wanted you to outlast me, but Jesus loves you so much that He wanted to hold you much more than we all did here.
I grew very attached to you over these past months. And I found this new love for your mom that I never knew before. She’s a great little lady and would have given everything for you, well she did; the only way she could, by keeping you.
It was hard for me to hear that you were not here anymore; although you’ll never feel that pain. Your mom came to visit a couple months ago…we sat in a class together and I felt you kick your foot against my hand, you were so alive Noah. I thank God that I got to experience that.
I know my tears won’t bring you back, so I’ll stop crying and start thanking my Jesus that you are healthy and perfect and living in perfect peace. I love you so much little boy.
With all my heart,
Auntie Jordyn
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