life in a sunscorched land

there are four very tall sunflowers in the garden.
no one has been home to water them for the past week- no one waters them when we are home...yet they grow.

life in a dry and thirsty land. somehow they are taken care of.
there is something about sunflowers that i have always loved.
i love the orange petals and brown and black center, i love how huge they are.
i love that no matter where you are in the world that they always look at the sun.
a few hours ago when i got home they were looking up- now their heavy heads are hanging only to lift again with the sun in the morning.

i know i'm like i am like a sunflower. especially in red bluff where it is so hot. sometime i feel like there is no one to water me to help me grow in a sense, yet i do.
i MUST look a the Son. when the dark times come, i hang my head, but the light always comes again.

the sunflower is marvelous.
it is strong.

i didn't necessarily come to the computer tonight to write about flowers but when you have a lot on your mind you can relate to anything...even a flower.

so- tonight if your head if hanging, don't worry look to the Son to pick it up because He won't let you down. He loves you- cares for you.
And if He can provide water and strength for a sunflower to lift its 5 pound head on its own every day- how much more is He going to love and provide for you?

i'm saying this to myself as well.
so long and goodnight my friends.

ignore the bones and live

yesterday was epic.
oh gosh, yesterday wanted to eat me whole.
my days have kind of been like this, but not as of late because i escaped and came to Murrieta about a week ago and it's been great.
yesterday i was in carlsbad.
it was hot at home and then the beach was absolutely frigid and everyone got...you know,edgy.
a phone call set me over the edge.
after pacing up and down the beach by myself for a while. i threw pebbles into the water trying to release some anger- it wasn't working.
erica and the girls came up behind me, i threw off my excess garments and ran into that great ocean.
the feeling was wonderful.
it was no longer cold, it was beautiful.
i watched the waves ahead of me waiting for the next one to mow me down. i wouldn't fight it and everyone on the beach would look at that girl out there who didn't know how to dive under the waves- i did it on purpose.
the salt on my lips tasted like magic.
and when i dove under that wave ... for the first time in eight months my bones didn't matter.
the water carried me.
i stood up and i felt alive.
for the first time in a long time i did something that made me feel alive physically.
and today i reap the repurcussions of that...haha. but it was worth it.
the Lord brings me to life everyday, but physically i am still dragging.
the ocean held me in all its fullness.
it held me in all my fullness, it grabbed my body and my mind.
it captured my full attention and i let everything go.
those petty things in my mind went...i don't know where, but they left and suddenly i didn't care, i wouldn't care.
THANK YOU LORD FOR YOUR CREATION!

it's been a long time since i've been on here, i know. i've been doing more journaling and such, and i dont really know why i decided to share this- but life is good guys, life is really really really good. whether you're sick or healthy or poor or rich or whatever! life is good...live for today, tomorrow isn't guaranteed, the past is gone and there is no changing it. this stuff has been on my mind an the ocean brought it all back.
it brought my mind back to where it should be, that the sound of those waves are for the One who created them. If the ocean worships Him why I am I not worshipping Him?

as a health update:
(if you're bored you can skip this)
i've been in and out of stanford. it's 3 1/2 hours from my house. pain in the bum to go there. my doctors have come to no conclusions lately and this research is taking a very long time. by the looks of it i won't be back at CCBC to graduate this fall and will be stuck in northern california at different hospitals. my main prayer request is for endurance, because i don't want to run or fight anymore- not spiritually speaking, but physically. if i gave up i would be a cripple and bed-ridden, so it's not a possibility- i must keep faking it.

i love you all. please send me your prayer requests- i have plenty of time to be lifting them up: )
xoxo

FOR(him i will go)WARD

i know you've brought me here to teach me something.
these people do not know me.
they don't know my weakness.
i know that you know me.
it's this weird feeling of acknowledging how much i trust you and letting go of all i still hold onto.
i want to hold onto everything i used to have.
i want my strength.
when i see it in other people this feeling comes over me...i could not figure it out until recently.
this feeling is jealousy.
because i remember it.
i remember all you gave me.
and i am thankful for what i had.
you took my physical strength and gave me strength from the inside, but now i feel so weak.
tonight i want to touch you.
i want to feel you.
i know that you've brought me to this place so that i can want these things more than anything else.
you want my mindset to be something more eternal.
but eternity isn't right now.
while i'm here lord, i beg you to give me endurance, to run this race with a goal in mind.
to run towards your beautiful face without looking back at what i used to have.
my goal will be forwards.
my goal will be for you.
i want to want nothing else- but there are so many things that crowd my mind.

my precious lord, make me beautiful in your sight.
do not be silent at my tears.

we just may have been great

this is note of recognition.

a note of thankfulness to the Lord, my Redeemer and friend.
it takes time, sometimes, we must look back at where we were to be able to look forward at what we have now.
four months ago was not a pretty sight. i was angry and bitter and sick- call me Mara, don't call me Jordyn anymore.

all i wanted was CCBC- to feel love was what i longed for. what i could do for myself was impossible but what He did for me was incredible.
on an early february day all I wanted was given to me and off i went with erica to calvary chapel bible college and my life and circumstances were instantly changed- my God was for me!
over the course of the semester i knew in my mind that it was not going to be easy. soon after i got there i got this horrendous cough- started coughing up blood and got really tired, the weakness set in and the bones were hurting more than ever. as the Lord chose to take away my physical strength He placed people in my life that He knew beforehand that I would need.
the way the Lord picks people just astounds me, i needed each person for something specific and i didn't see it until recently.

first of all there was my sister- erica...where would i ever be without you? it was you that got me to school anyways, mom and dad would have never let me come if it weren't for you. you gave up days and time just for me, you gave up your car so i could make my appointments and gave up some of your heart to be all that i needed.i love you and i am going to miss you terribly this summer.
then there was mira...we were placed in the same dorm and what i thought was going to be the end of me, happened for my own good. without you my darling i would have died a horrible death in CA 123. thanks for the late night back scratches and loaning me your bed so i could sleep. thanks for taking me on as a love project by seeking the Lord; learning to be there for me even more than you were before. i can't give you anything here, but just wait for heaven girl- the rewards will come:)
then there was stevie...oh gosh kiddo, you didn't just make me cry when you left. your patience with my stubborness blessed me and taught me so much more about Christ. i don't think you know that the days we woke up super early to study the Word were days i specifically felt low and tired of fighting, the Lord chose you to show me that I was loved by someone that was greater than my temporary pain. you're a blessing, don't doubt the great ways the Lord is going to use you:)
and then there was nathan- my buddy...where would i be without you kid!!!??? your mullet and your eyes and your dumb tattoos always made me happy. i would have never known that i looked "EPIC" on the way to the hospital if it weren't for you. you brought more joy to my life in the past 4 months than i ever expected in coming back his spring. thanks:)
then there was erin...jiminy child, you beat me in the tanning contest in one day, but i still love you. thanks for the great beach days that you always suggested and the messy hair...and possibly some dreads. it sucks you're back in colorado but snail mail awaits us, and next semester as well:) ptl.
and philip...never in a million years did i expect to still have a great relationship with you, but i just love you kiddo and i am so glad that the Lord has given us what He has. I needed your humor, and the expectation of that awful beard coming off. the anticipation of the dreads and the AV golf cart crash story. oh phil, you make me happy, thanks for sticking around even though 'america may be the most boring place in the world', you've stuck it out, and you've made america better just by being apart of it.
esther-mother-freaking-perry!!!!- i'm so glad you came back to CCBC this semester, you're just great. never have i ever felt so comfortable around someone. you're just a joy to be around and make me smile hearing some things that come out of your mouth- you surprise me all the time. your relationship with nathan will always boggle my mind. please come back to me next semester. i love you dearly!

and to all the rest of you who i want to mention and probably will in more detail later, thank you- kelsey, jenni,emma, messican, brooke stew, hannah, charles, christian, angela, b-shep, mange, and so many others; you guys just rock my socks and have blessed me beyond words in the way you take care of me and "protect my bones".
The Lord is using you for far greater purposes than just blessing me,but i just want you all to know just how much i love you. may this summer be one you never forget, full of blessings and hopefully i'll see ya'lls again soon:)

all my love,
Jordyn

...and they called this place my home

yesterday i left.
i left what i know as my home.
i left what has kept me above the raging seas for the past 4 months.
i left the people i love the most.
it took about 2 weeks of tears to let it go.
i sat in class with people and thought that i may never ever be there again.
i walked through the coffee shop to see philip sleeping on the couch- a perfectly normal sight.
hugs to dave shirley. and talks with terry- the dishwasher.
all this just takes too long to say goodbye to.
so graduation finally came- i got the brochure deal that had all my friends names in it...minus mine.
this was my class- and this is why it was so hard to see them all go.
hopefully i'll be back as a 5th semester in the fall.
hopefully stanford will have something for me.
these are my hopes. i know the Lord knows them all- He thinks some are crazy,yet He cares about them. "God bless the Lord"-CCBC

so, with many tears I bid them all farewell as evil thoughts came into my head thinking I may never see them again. maybe not here, not on this earth. oh, but we will meet again:)

the long drive got the best of me. I didn't talk besides putting in the frequent "South, please!" when getting back on the freeway. I said it in all seriousness but it didn't work, because I arrived here. In Red Bluff.
The mullets and mary kay ladies greeted me along with the hazardously depressing weather and the smelly little dogs.
i love it all- it does make me smile, but how I miss what I had.
I am glad that this time I never took a day for granted. Every day I lived as if I were dying- because it could have happened. The Lord is using this crazy adventure- I have learned to love, to love better than before, because i know how much it hurts to leave it all.
so, here I am- maybe in a new chapter, awaiting whatever may happen next...

in remembering

if you can remember to pray for me, please stop and pray for Jenna first.
thanks.

Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.

- Kahlil Gibran

this is different.

it's a weird feeling to be falling apart physically.
i was up and about the other day and felt my heart racing, i looked at my chest to see it pounding through my chest.
kinda cool- but not at all normal.
i've fallen apart emotionally many times.
as tired as i feel with classes and all i can't help but be blessed; well the Lord can't help but bless me. He loves me, through all my unworthiness and it pretty much rocks my socks.
my class; ruth and esther has been amazing, it's tough to stay awake, yet i listen and get so blessed, simply by God's word. i don't see myself really as a ruth or an esther, yet i know that God is working behind the scenes in my life as well and that he ultimately desires to give me a future and a hope- something to hold onto.
He longs to redeem me. my next project is a research paper on the Kinsman Redeemer.
5 pages at the least usually scares me, but i am kind of excited to get into this and learn more about my Savior.
tonight i go to Southwest Juvenille Hall as every tuesday night and share a bible study with unit 4. i'm not sure what to share on, but it will come, because the Lord never fails.
Noah's memorial service is this saturday and i wish that i could spend 500 dollars on a plane ticket...i would give anything to be there for Jenna. my heart still hurts, i find that tears still come to my eyes. i am afraid to talk to her, because i'm afraid of these tears that come all too often- I want to be strong for her, yet I am still so weak. only God can be her strength...i wish i had more to offer, but all I have left is my Savior.
I learned His name today- El Shaddai- He is enough, He is the One who will bring me to the end of myself to find He who is all powerful. He holds it all- and this is only one of His names. How beautiful.
I've learned a lot about names in this class- I wish my name meant something, it means "decending" or something...nothing great, but i am not great- God deserves all these names..if only we called Him this more often.
On thursday I will go back to Dr. Chung for an echocardiogram, I will see my heart on a screen and hopefully have something to glean from this appointment.
life has been good- i am dreading going home, the fellowship here is like nothing else on this earth- yet i know the Lord will bless my time back in Red Bluff just like everything else.
I have no room to doubt him.
15 days remain and this may be the last blog coming from CCBC for my 4th semester...i'll be home soon. I wish I could go home and be well- this is my desire- but I will go home and not be able to do much more than rest...but during this time my goal is not to forget that the Lord, my God, my El Shaddai will still be working behind the scenes of my life.
so here's to a the end of a chapter, the end of 4th semester and on to whatever the Lord may bring; it scares me not knowing what to expect, yet it's not mine to worry about. If the Lord gives the birds food and a nest I am sure that He will take care of me, I'm His child and He's promised not to abandon me.
I hope I remember this when a few weeks go by and times get tougher.
For all you reading- remind me of this.